Bits 'n' Pieces

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Bits 'n' Pieces

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incorporating :

Hands up who thinks

Fri 26 Aug 2022
Why not have a good old write about More Fanciful History...
Mary Caroline Byrnes was born about 1819 and after a salty voyage, was probably walking on and fossicking in Ballarat gravelly soil during the riots and monster meetings of 1854, now known as the Eureka Stockade.
Mary, whose surname may have been spelt Byrne or Burns, married in Victoria in 1857 to William Barrell, who may have also played the spelling game, as his surname is recorded as Burrell and Birrell.
William Barrell and his wife Mary birthed at least 3 children while the gold was being dug out around them.
Born in 1859, William Jarrell Barrell was either intriguingly named or his name was mis-transcribed from the history-keeping records. Sadly little William died in 1862 aged 3 years and was buried in the Ballarat Old Cemetery
F2 section 27 row 2 grave 7.
His new born baby brother Samuel Gilbert Barrell had perished in 1860.
Mary Ann Catherine Barrell was born in 1862, the same year as the death of her brother William.
Mary Ann Catherine Barrell may have survived to marry, possibly a Mr Levers.
Apparently, their constantly grieving mother, Mary Caroline Barrell was deserted on the goldfields by her husband.
Maybe William went to Fyansford where he met Caroline Davies and had a daughter named Edith Elizabeth Barrell. Edith survived and married William Edward Hunter in 1904.
Several mentions of a William Burrell were made in various newspapers involving theft.
Perhaps Mary's husband spent time in the 'Western gaol' before being transferred to the Yarra Bend Asylum where he died in 1863. A difficult trail to accurately follow. One William Barrell died respectfully in 1895 in Carlton aged 70 years.
His parents were Robert Burrell and his mother was Patience Fennie.
Anyway, back in the cold of Ballarat, Mary Barrell found herself living in Lexton street, overlooking the Ballarat Old Cemetery, near a Thomas Leever and also a sad little family of Ryans. Elizabeth Ryan may have honkered for a feast of geese, because a plump one of Mary Barrell's caught her eye. Elizabeth Ryan's two children may have been roped in to herd the goose along, as they found themselves in the Industrial School for a spell. Elizabeth's husband, John Ryan had a few years previously, threatened to take the life of Mary Barrell.
A Mr James Curtis, was kind to Mary Barrell.
James Curtis was married in 1853 to Elizabeth Ann Talbot and they were living at 34 Drummond street North about 1900 having had no children. James Curtis was an honourable and trustworthy pioneer, a councillor and printer of Armstrong street, having also been in Ballarat at the time of the Eureka Stockade. James and Elizabeth Curtis are both buried in the Ballarat Old Cemetery F1 section 9 row 1 grave 29.
James Curtis tried to support Mary Barrell in her 'hard of hearing' and 'poor sighted' old age by recommending poor relief. However, this kindness was not automatically applauded by the general community.
Mary was a Fortune Teller. Many a letter of disgust had been printed in the local papers over the years denouncing the practice of luring young women to Lexton street to have their fortunes told.
Mary Barrell died before 13 May 1896 and was buried with her child in the Ballarat Old Cemetery.
There is no headstone or grave surround, but her resting place can be found between the Pope family and Stephenson family. Her funeral costs were paid for by Mr Curtis.
Life on the gold fields were difficult times indeed. Don't honk as you pass. People may think it is 'geese ghosts!'

Thur 8 Jul 2021
Celebrating Winter is a Fun Game.
A glance outside confirms the frozen surface of the bird bath. Two skittish magpie larks dart in for a drive-by drink and 'Pee Weeee' slide off the edge. The magpie family are hiding their frozen feathers behind black and white towels, suppressing sniggers and calling the crow to swoop down for a dip. Two currawongs are playing ice hockey, pucking a sparrow all over the place. Two honey eaters are using their long thin beaks as ice chippers to the encouragement of martini holding butcherbirds chanting 'Flick it to me! Flick it to me!'  A snappy wattlebird is focusing all bluster and flashy white tail feathers to distract all, while the other steadies an axe. The rosellas are wisely observing from afar, they have seen this game before. Magpie junior is practising his impression of the 'Pee Weee' sound effect to add to his Happy Song.
Oh! Barley! I think I have seen those beaks before. Up at the Old Ballarat Cemetery or was it the Tic Tok cafe in Macarthur street.
Those magpie larks are always starting something!
It's off to Tic Tok cafe for a thawing coffee in the mid morning blue sky sun.

Wed 7 Jul 2021
It could kill us, but we are stronger.
Covid 19 has pummelled us relentlessly, especially when we sang in defiance 'My My My Corona' and denied the possibility of caving in. However, when my Ipod casually suggests the threat of overnight very low temperatures for a few nights, with no 'Danger Will Robinson, Danger' flashing lights or arm waggling, a new level of resistance fighting is required.
Ppfft. Like that's gonna happen. Turn electric blankets on a bit earlier in the evening er afternoon and up a notch. Settle back to watching telly basking in the warm scorn. Hah! Will this promise, this threat of Zero - Not the Good Donut type of Zero we have embraced this year - but the nose freezing, this is a Non-Covid-Nose-Drip version of Zero degrees of warmth, actually happen? Will it pass the Bird Bath Test?

Wed 7 Oct 2020
More Fanciful History
Leaving the green dales of Ramsden Heath, Essex, England the Corker extended family arrived in Victoria in 1853 on board the listing 'St George' ship. After 4 months at sea, the ship was stuck on a sandbar at Swan Island near Queenscliff, Victoria. Their farming equipment was lost, probably dumped overboard to lighten the load in an attempt to refloat the boat!
The Grand Father of them all, James Corker and his second wife Elizabeth Johnson of Sligo Ireland lived on a farm at Meredith, Victoria before James died there aged about 83 years in 1870. Over ten years later, Elizabeth aged 84 years and suffering from swollen feet, took off her shoes and stockings, folded them neatly and was found floating in water less than a metre deep.
One of Grand Father James Corker's sons, James junior was a farmer at Meredith c1880. Sadly, James junior's son, who worked at Mt Elephant as a station hand died in his 30s from a fall from his horse.
Grand Father James Corker's other son, Mark Corker had died before turning 50 years old, in the Ballarat spring of 1855. Mark was a licensed victualler at the Crown Hotel on the corner of Creswick road and Macarthur street, opposite the Old Ballarat Cemetery. After Mark was laid to rest in the Old Ballarat Cemetery, down by the two old gum trees, his wife Mary Ann Corker carried on running the Crown Hotel. There still exists a small sketch of Mrs Corker's Crown Hotel. Mary Ann was nee Crow, the daughter of Joseph Crow and Ann Spitty. Mary Ann Crow married Mark Corker about 1830 probably back in the old country. Mary Ann managed the Crown Hotel for a few years before settling on a farm named 'The Elms' out at Learmonth. The lifestyle must have suited her as Mary Ann Corker nearly made the turn of the century aged 87 years. There were a few appearances before The Court arguing with neighbors over 'Who let the cow out?' or 'Who didn't keep their fences in good repair so the Bull could get in?'
Mark and Mary Ann Corker had three children : a daughter also named Mary Ann Corker who died a spinster aged 64 years at Learmonth; a son James Corker who was also unmarried and consequently rather well off, even going for a trip back to England c1906 before he died in 1920, leaving considerable wads of cash for all, including provision for his two horses' luxury retirement. James Corker junior was a farmer with Thomas Bath at Wicannia NSW near Minindie and the Darling river in the 1860s. He was then a farmer at Greta and Hansonville near Wangaratta, Victoria, naming his property 'Crowlands' in honor of his mother's family. James Corker must have had a good memory and story telling ability as he died at the home of his nephew Mark Corker junior who recalled the name of the ship the family had travelled on to Australia as well as detail of the Eureka Stockade.
The third child of Mark and Mary Ann Corker produced descendants. Joseph Corker and his willing wife Margaret Hancock raised several Corker heirs, with daughters marrying Ashmead, Teakel, McCormack, Spong, Williams and Richens. Sons distinguished themselves in farming, football, war service and one as a Police Officer at Bruthen, Gippsland.
If you have had afternoon tea at The Stables, or lunch at Eclectic Tastes, or coffee at Tic Tok cafe you may wish to take a stroll and find Mark Corker's  sandy brown rectangular headstone  in between the two gum trees to pay your respects to the Corker family who were in Ballarat for the Eureka uprising.

Some time in September 2020
Dragon Breath
I had put on my runners for my usual 'exercise walk.' I thought it best to brush my teeth in case the said walk included a coffee revival. I had had salad for lunch and thought a bit of parsley had refused the chute and like Mickey Mouse in the old filmstrip of 'Mickey and the Giant,' was clinging to the uvula in the back of my throat. A gargle or two later and still no green spit. I grabbed a torch for a better look and a blunt 'bread and butter' knife to use as a 'say ahh' tool. With a bit of juggling, I opened wide to see if I could locate the recalcitrant parsley.
I was appalled and stunned to see a triangular dome of blue grass growing in the centre of my tongue, way, way, way down the back. It was waving at my gagging pop-eyes in the mirror. The grey-blue area, smaller than a 5 cent coin, but less likely to disappear with a swallow, was at the extreme rear and centre of my tongue. It could only signal doom. Within seconds I had resigned myself to a mute death.
I rang my doctor's number three times before giving up on 'being a valued call and next in line' then rang the back-up surgery. An appointment within two hours meant a walk and a last coffee for this Walking Dead was achievable and indeed a necessity, to remain in some form of calm in these dreadful days of Nothing-Normal.
Strangely I felt no need to share my impending death with any one. As I walked in a state of dull panic, my mind replayed mumbled conversations with others who have since died from mouth cancer. I hadn't been to the dentist for 18 months, so it must have grown during that time.
I remembered being told my breath stank a year ago, but that was an isolated revenge comment, from one whose breath often actually stank. Then I remembered my morning Dragon Breath one day last week, that brought an accusation of less than adequate water intake. An unbelievable insult to waterlogged me!
Mask wearing had not heightened my awareness of halitosis. Maybe I had Coronavirus and had lost all sense of smell, but I felt well and had no symptoms.
Doctor listened to my suggestions of blue gel children's toothpaste recently used and cough lollies frequently sucked on to 'clear the nose and throat.' How Doctors listen to such desperate drivel and not snigger, is amazing. Doctor was efficient and reassuring then escorted me to the Ear, Nose and Throat specialist in the same building. Yes an appontment could be arranged for next week. How could I be expected to sleep for that many nights was the ear worm singing on loop. Out loud, I gratefully accepted the time slot and paper work.
Walking home, I clung to my belief that sucking on cough lollies had caused the temporary discoloration, until I reached home and tossed the offenders into the bin, realising with an actual sinking feeling that only the wrappers were blue, the lollies were white. Back to a silent death.
I decided to gargle with warm salty water several times a day. It gave me something to do. It couldn't hurt. It was a dairy farmer's daughter's proactive reaction, it had not been suggested by the doctor.
A day later I gathered the courage for a second look. It was still disgusting.
Another day and I refused to gag while gently prodding. Nothing hurt. That must be a good sign. It didn't feel like a killer lump. I kept gargling. Somehow washing was done and meals were cooked. It didn't hurt to eat or drink or swallow. That must be good. Right? I had resolved to maintain my dignified silence until seeing the specialist. To chat about my own imminent death would have been too bizarre and unnecessarily cruel to any one else in my world. And what if they said 'tough luck, my aunt died from mouth cancer and she stank like a well of dead kittens.' Could I laugh?
Another sleep and another look. Still a little mound of blue-grey kentucky grass waving back at me. Maybe bleached a little from the salt.
I finished videoing some story-telling. Would that be my last spoken role? It was too hard to contemplate.
The appointment time eventuated. I took a before selfie in front of the shiny brass proof-of-doctor plaque. On time efficiency never more appreciated. There were no tears. I garbled briefly then obligingly 'ahhed.'
Snapping off blue gloves and flicking them into the bin in one swift move reminded me: This was a Specialist in action. 'Hairy tongue' was the diagnosis. Brush your tongue with your toothbrush after you have brushed your teeth, the solution.
A fortnight ago I was dying a mute death. Suddenly not so bleak.

Wed 9 Sep 2020
One Loose Lace
Hugs are out. Embracing other's ideas is also on shaky ground.
Something about Covid19 and lockdown has created a shut down within.
A totally turtle withdrawal into one's grenade deflecting shell.
Protection of personal mental space makes me feel unable to digest other's wounds, even thoughts of wisdom require too much compassionate strength.
A routine yearly visit to the blood collection place left me drained. Plenty of signs to read and digest.
 'If the front door is closed, then there are more than the allocated number of patients in the waiting room.’ Mmm, it's a windy day. I think I will risk being yelled at and use my surgically gloved hand to open the portal. All aboard germs for a free ride. Only 2 people inside, way less than the door-closed max., but 4 more signs to read. A helpful waiting soul chants ‘Take a number, press the bell.’ Obviously an experienced regular.
 I oblige and chat in response although one eye is trying to peek over my upwards riding mask to read and work out if I have just alerted someone out the back to a ‘specimen drop off.’
As I remove my sunglasses, and in reply to a polite request, I offer up a coffee name. An aberration, one that I refuse to answer unless cappuccino is involved. I learn a poet was waiting in that room allocated to waiting. A poet on Facebook of course. Not my chosen washing line. In a conversational rather than pretentious tone, I offer up the rarely aired piece of information that I too am a poet, in fact a published poet. An offer of a contact details card accepted by my gloved hand, now accumulating a mix of door, bell button, number card and contact card, germs.
With the reasonably germ free glove, I pull out my bloods-list-referral sheet and Medicare card from my bag on my lap. I remove my hat and coat and put them in my bag, trying not to count germs leaping gleefully and acrobatically like trained fleas across surfaces.
Mr Helpful Poet's number is called and I restrain myself from pointing out his undone shoe lace.
As one or two other potential patients and as yet undiscovered poets come in and take their numbers, comments are made on the windy day and little else.
On the return of Mr Helpful, from his speedy blood sampling, my turtle-ing springs into action. No. I have no mobile phone number to exchange. Our family keeps a very low profile. It is good and healthy to think and write, every day if you can. The waiting room seems full of shattered expectations and averted eyes. I maintain eye contact as he departs, although it is bewilderingly difficult to not point out the one loose lace.
Then Bingo. My number is called.

Fri 28 Aug 2020
Oh, for a lovely Jollification!
Just enjoying the discovery of a 'new to me' word. Of course I 'unwrapped' it from the pages of the digitised  online olden days newspapers. Thank you National Library of Australia for trove.
I do not require a Jollification in the style c1905 of Edmund Goodale, a millionaire of Watertown NY, who was transported around town as though he was intoxicated, when in reality he was dead.
No. No 'Weekend at Bernie's' party for me! Although... a 'movie plot pitch' could be made for the story-line of a family who for generations had celebrated the death of their elderly by 'carrying on' as though said deceased still enjoyed a glass of champagne. Possible a magical curse, induced by the first disbelieving tears of grief, followed by a make-up session, nay a full make-over, and subsequent visits to wronged relatives to demand apologies ventriloquist-style and collect bad debts...
No. There is no need to steal a couple of geese for a 'Christmas in Winter' style Jollification, as happened c1825, although some supermarket shelves are a little bare during our covid19 challenge and goose does sound tempting...mmm wonder what stuffing suits swan...
No. No need to meet at the bottom of a mine shaft c1857 to enjoy 'nobblers' and toasts and tossing of empties into the next shaft.
And No to the Bowral Firemen type of Jollification. They had a merry time c1899 with the Moss Vale Fireies involving games, cards and draughts - of the checker-board sort, not the frothy ones - with firemen sweating through competitive drills followed by food, drink and singing. A jolly good Jollification, with the streamers all swept up before midnight, but too big a gathering, too much breathing of the same air, for these 'alone together' covid times.
No. An ordinary jollification would be fine by me
Oh, OK. A candle on a single muffin with my own pot of tea.

sometime during Winter 2020
Killed by a Cat
Walking around and around the Old Ballarat Cemetery for covid19 exercise, is a good mental health strengthener and a subtle motivator to maintain our defence program, considering the alternative!
A New to Ballarat couple - well, been here 5 years, but naturally still considered 'un-water-logged,' were encountered near the magnificent 'portal to peace' gates. This chance encounter led to a quick 'at distance' discussion about the previous tenants and owners of old businesses in Macarthur street, Ballarat.
And, why aren't there more plaques on old buildings to recognise local history. Ah! Why indeed?
The beautiful bluestone building on the corner of Macarthur and Drummond street North, used to include half a tram c1988, in the glory days of the Tram Family Restaurant!
Way back in 1880 a strong, healthy, single man by the name of William Henry Solomon, opened his grocer's business in the 'Old Bluestone' place opposite the Old Cemetery gate. William had migrated to Australia, probably from Cornwall in the 1860s on board the wistfully named 'Colonial Empire,' along with the Goad family. William Solomon probably enjoyed 6 years of trade with the appreciative locals swapping vegetables, gossip and supplies for cash.
In 1886 Mr Solomon most unwisely frisked once too often with a cat. Maybe a cat that did the much undervalued task of keeping vermin numbers low during moonlit cemetery jaunts. Maybe W. H. Solomon was 'playing the fool' and trying to teach the cat to dance. Maybe it was a sweet lap cat that did not want its tummy tickled just right now. In the blink of a cat's discerning eye, a wound was made.
William Henry Solomon spent some excruciating days in the hospital just down Drummond street from the bluestone grocery store, from the effects of the bite on his hand inflicted by the over-frisked cat. He became delirious and with modern anti-biotics still in the future, he died.
William Henry Solomon is buried with the Goad family, down near the Eureka soldier's memorial.
His name is comfortably recorded on their headstone nestled between Sophia Goad who was only 23, Elisha Goad who made 54, Mary who left at an admirable 86, Elizabeth nee Pattie aged 53 and her husband Josiah Goad, who commanded respect with his 81 years. Their headstone reminds us: ' Reader, set right with God.'
If you exercise in the area, pause to take a masked selfie of the dearest little antique red fire engine in the window of that still cherished old bluestone building.

Mon 23 Mar 2020
Ballarat is the best place to live. Probably a very comforting place to die as well. But let us not hasten our demise by thought or action. Today's sun and medium wind make for pleasant living outside, well, enough to slap the 'appreciated' sticker on the snuggle couch when back inside. Washing is flapping dry, magpies have yet to visit. Roast chicken to cook for tea. No need to trap a magpie...although it would be an easy bake as the 'daddy one' tries to come inside each time, just turn right at the oven old pal old mate and ooops. Life is good in this gold town.

Sat 21 Mar 2020
Gardening holds no surprises. Every season seeds and seedlings are planted. Often a packet of alyssum seeds sits uncomfortably in the fruit bowl, patiently awaiting its moment of glory. Deliberately tossed in the bowl to catch the attention of a bored gardener over a mundane breakfast. Always ignored. May as well be wallflowers. Then after too many warm dry days, a hanging basket will wilt. Ah Hah. Time to re-plant hanging baskets ... so a punnet of already flowering alyssum will be purchased. Some years the sachet of fruit bowl seeds will be sprinkled around at the same time. Everything will be looking colorful within a few weeks. No surprises. Happens every year. Same story with the celery running to seed just when you want to make soup. Romantically sprinkle that plant around the vege patch and Hey Presto the garden is choked with celery plants next good rain. Many things are predictable in the story of running a vege patch. Every year the nefarious zucchini plants are scrutinised regularly for produce in the fear of creating a monster. This evening in a pre Doc Martin inspection I trimmed back some leaves and there looking out at me was the prize winner of scorn. Stuff me zucchini!

Sat 21 Mar
Saturday lunch is always hard to find. Decide upon. Just had breakfast, really. Stop dithering and pick. Wait til Yuppie-time then eat alfesco at 3pm. Then it will be time to play the 'whose turn is it to cook tea' game. May as well have baked beans. No. Toasted cheese. Nah. Salad and a crumby movie. Had that yesterday. Second breakfast? Bowl of cereal. Yess sireee!

Fri 20 Mar 2020
Ladybird bugs are cute. Especially the yellow ones with black spots looking like an autobot in disguise - spotto 'Bumblebee.' A few ladybirds are happily in residence, doing what ladybirds do, on the leaves of the last of the button squash. Several plants purchased from the 'Only 50cents and Desperate' rack a few months back, with the thought that only a few would survive, has been a winning gamble. Each carefully positioned plant has of course straggled towards the sun leaving the whereabouts of the roots a mystery at watering time. Encouraging calls each morning of 'Go you little yellow thing' to the stretched out neck of each plant, has definitely resulted in more yellow buttons of deliciousness with only one managing to hide until fist-sized. The stems at ground level seem determined to shrivel like an umbilical cord, so the real bees must have fun with the artistically delicate yellow flowers while they can. Autumn time brings on the 'baby powder' and each prickly leaf seems to be sprinkled with it. Nearly time for gloves and yanking.
Sliced, olive oiled and grilled on cast iron mmmm squash.

Wed 18 Mar 2020
Oh I do like a walk around the Old Ballarat Cemetery. Not though - not visiting one of the 25,000 - just around the outside pathway. I refrain from singing 'I love to go a wandering along a beaten track' or any other misguided lyrics to old songs, although the scrunchy march along the gravel side, does inspire the drum and trumpet within.
The gravel gives other rewards in damp weather, as the footprints, both doggie and human are fun to interpret, calling on hazy bush tracking skills. Sometimes I stretch out and stomp along to give my fellow tracker a puzzle. Hopefully there will be no oopsy skid marks interspersed.
I pause to wave at the train crossing; sometimes there isn't even a train.
Then it is a careful step over the little eroded gully - no exposed nuggets- and on up the grassy 'hill' under shady trees in summer and dripping little rottters in winter. Around the corner at the bluestone 1860s Chinese joss house, must remember to look that up on Trove for when it was constructed, then pause to enjoy the view across the peaceful and back over Ballarat.
It is a comfy 15 minutes stroll over different surfaces - gravel, grass and pavement -almost an upscaled old people's exercise drill for learning to master the new walking frame.
Today's outing was enlivened by a perfect coffee at 'Tic Tok' 917 Macarthur street.
0420 775 484 Under new management First day open Today

Tues 14 Jan 2020
and what has been going on since 2017
I pause .... I breathe in the not too smokey air and reflect with tears

Tues 14 Jan 2020
Didn't take long ... did it

Sat 18 Nov 2017
Updating computers is Easy ... watching the techy do it ... that is

Tues 29 Aug 2017
TV guides should list actors appearances in previous tv shows and movies.
Don't make me spend half my time muttering and the rest searching online during the ad breaks.
To increase attention on the ads, have clips from the actors previous appearances flash up in between the please purchase this ...
You're welcome.

Sat 26 Aug 2017
Ringo is not to blame.
For 50 years I have fretted about turning 64, mulling over Ringo's mournful torment of no one to need me or feed me only to google the lyrics and find he is not to blame and luckily it turns out I am not surplus to household requirements after all.
However, memory squeaks and leaks are inevitable.
A cough and a sputter and a return to bed with printed newspaper - to sneeze from newsprint - but not directly into cup of tea or onto vegemite rice cakes, is a traditional Saturday morning time waster. Completely refreshed, I dressed in the correct order and turned on the telly to check if Avengers as listed in the guide was actually The Avengers tv series c 1967. Wacko the diddlioh it was and the episode featured Emma Peel in a chastity belt in a museum and so further time wasting ensued. Memory bubbles occured almost immediately and could briefly be stemmed until the ads. Was that young bar-tender blonde chick the same one from that 1990s relationships tv series... the one with the short name or maybe two names in the title... with the chick with the long face long dark hair and fringe? That one who was a dippy detective in the 2000s series named for the two female detectives... Leakage is soaking actual factual. Hang on. Relationships going pear shaped. I think it was one of the first things that gruff James Nesbitt was in ... clear part of brain says - quick ads are on - fire up google. OK. The Avengers episode was called 'Murdersville' made in 1967. Hermoine Norris was born in 1967 and played Karen Marsden in 'Cold Feet' so the Jenny blonde barmaid was not her. Actress Sheila Fearn played Jenny and also the neighbor in 'George and Mildred' ... I can still make connections. That long faced dark haired actress must be Faye Ripley who definitely didn't star as the dippy detective Rachel, always being reprimanded and supported by Janet. That was Suranne Jones who wrote and starred in 'Scott and Bailey' ... My brain salutes you all and thanks you for your entertainment. Once on screen. Once as memory spaghetti. And a definite thank you to Richard Starkey and his gal.

Tue 15 Aug 2017
Having a web page is wonderful fun ... finding out you have web spaces is full of wonder.
Without the need for a Permission Slip in the form of a Doctor's Referral led this old patient in to a 'morality of choice' challenge.
I chose the fancy new Clinic in the centre of town just because it wasn't taking over a lovely old residence, adding to the 'where do I leave my car lament' whined daily near the hospitals. The switched on receptionist Jesse Murrell efficiently took my details and we easily settled on an appointment time, reassuring me that I did not require a sporting injury or even sporting background other than 'spectator' to partake in their services. The appointed day arrived quickly and I arrived before time to fill out a well designed questionnaire designed to make the patient think through attitudes to their own treatment and provide the doctor with immediate answers to basic questions. Doctor Oliver Tate was on time, most kindly, gently skilled and efficiently made clear notes on a take home action page. I now proudly wear a new pink insertable - not the sort that opens doors - but nestles in the web space between two of my toes err flanges. Try the Ballarat foot & ankle clinic 34 Armstrong Street North, Ballarat for any podiatry services you require.

Sat 12 Aug 2017
"Have you been paying attention" was improved by the radiant host Jane Kennedy

Thur 10 Aug 2017
Tony Martin posted info re Melbourne Fringe : "CHILDPROOF The Podcast" will be recorded over 3 nights 20, 21 and 22 Sep $75 at Bella Union. Written by Tony Martin and Sarina Rowell it will be performed 'old school radio-style' by Tony Martin and Geraldine Quinn along with others

Fri 21 Jul 2017
Old wisdoms may still apply

'The Girl's Own Paper' Vol IX, - No. 434.] April 21, 1888 [Price One Penny
p 470
VARIETIES [the 1880s version of Laughing is the best Cure]

 What can't be cured must be endured, and the best way of enduring gossip is not to listen to it.
Over one of our own castles a former owner has inscribed these lines:-
Thin-skinned persons should learn this motto by heart.

You ask me, your servant, to give you in rhyme
Some apt definitions of space and of time,
If your ladyship looked at your form
and your face,
You'd gain excellent notions of time and of space.

"She who does not love flowers," says a German writer, "has lost all fear and love of God."

"I can tell you the first letter
Of your handsome sailor's name."
"I know everyone; that's better,
Thank you gipsy, all the same."

"Ah! my maiden, runs your text so?"
Then I see your doom is past,
And the day is Monday next!" "No,
Gipsy, it was Monday last."

Thurs 29 Jun 2017
Old people know stuff :

"Jerry Joy"
Have you heard of Jerry Joy?
A very, very naughty boy!
Jerry would a fishing go
although his mother had said "No."
He left home at half past eight,
he took with him a can of bait,
a fishing rod, a line, a hook
and off he set, down to the brook.
A light wind blew, the morn was fine
baiting the hook, he cast the line.
Hour upon hour went by
but not a single fish came by.
At last he thought he had a bite!
He pulled and tugged with all his might
He slowly drew to the bank - a fish?
Oh no, a worn out shoe!
When again the line was cast
he caught his trousers firm and fast.
When trying to remove the hook
he slipped and fell into the brook.
He was not drowned, I'm glad to say
but no more fish for him that day.
When looking upon his muddy clothes
he said, "My mother won't know me,
I suppose. I'm such a fright."
When he got home, all in a mess
he caught something, that you won't guess!

Thurs 29 Jun 2017
T. Martin could easily do justice to Frank's song accompanied by 4 sips of something smooth:
... as tears subside, I find it all so amusing...
For what is a man, what has he got, if not himself, then he has not,
to say the things he truly feels and not the words of one who kneels...

Wed 31 May 2017
Announcement of of new book is a fine way to end the month of May:
Tony Martin has written a new book called "Deadly Kerfuffle"
and it will be published November 2017 by Affirm Press

Thurs 13 Apr 2017
Some will fight to the death for a free park
40+ fem ok with parking and customer noise as cafe shuts at 11pm 'Do I want to sell her kid's excellent quality jumpers and go halves in profit?' I had to let her down gently
Family with adult children Mum bought 1970s Adventure stories for Girls
Meg and friend and Harry heading to cafe bought Think and Jump game
70+ fem ok with waking up each morning to the smell of bacon
50+ fem been before gave double peach colored hollyhock seeds, bought silk flowers free Judith Wright poetry book
40+ mum  2 daus 8 - 10 yrs bought mini staple, headband free pincushion seeds
56 fem hospital worker, men are wingeing about having to walk further when new parking restrictions are in place after Easter
Wed 12 Apr 2017
News of a stolen gold bar is an excellent conversation starter
50+ fem x 2 with 7 yr old 'Holly is ours' gave mint tin covered with shiney contact may come back for bow shaped hairclip
45+ fem collects unusual children's toys, been to collect a vintage gnome, bought orange mini video camera come water pistol, pull-back-let-go scarab beetle
50+ fem x 2 one bought blue disco ear rings, gave her free pea seeds which she passed to her 'what about me' friend
50+ fem splint on arm 'Having a clean out? Is that a showercap?' - pointing to my Ballarat Bonnet - 'I can't put anything on my head' then kept walking. I may have laughed inside.
30+ fem pretending to talk on mobile to avoid human interaction. Hah. I said 'You're using the Phone-Y excuse and I caught yah'
60+ fem ran across road in front of bus then said 'Saw light on, anybody home' gave free honesty seeds and a lecture on bus-squishing ability
50+ fem bought Snow in the Summer, sage
50+ mum with Trace in a Taxi bought junirismade white 1980s blousebag
Chatted with neighbor about gold robbery and compared it with her home break-in a few weeks ago
50+ fem grandma bought Sesame Street wall hanging for grandchild
Cold and raining
Sat 8 Apr 2017
Saying 'Yeah, but I'm allowed to...' demonstrates inadequacy
30+ male hospital worker said 'Yeah, but I'm allowed to park there' when politely asked if he could choose elsewhere
Pack of joggers huffed past, as I pretended to exercise with pink hand weights 'And $1, $1 just $1, $1'
50+ fem Irish wanted size 8 Diana Ferarri shoes. I said I only had size 10s
50+ couple 'Can I look at that book ... Sinbad Il Marinio.. I just want to look at the pictures'
40+ fem Sue with a very creative hand sewn name tag bought white elastic, cotton material with hawaiian pattern gave 3 free books
70+ male Scottish 'Wah'd bead a gooden' wanted old tools
40+ couple 8 yr dau been horse riding gave shiney wig and explained the chasey game of 'who's wearing the wig now' bought green turtle bells, monster stamp, ear rings, Teaching Music book and 3 free books
60+ fem been before bought spaghetti bowl of succulents
80+ male 60+ fem Asian wife he talked loudly about women's refuges and what about him until I held up 'Lady Chatterly's lover' as a suggestion
60+ fem 'Do you realise you have money sitting there' and pointed at my honesty tin
Fri 7 Apr 2017
Perfecting the mortified look is an acting challenge
60+ fem Aquinas lecturer, I commented on all the scowling faces
18-25 yr fem Estelle size 8 bipolar vegan, bought junirismade stripey 1980s blouse-bag, brown long scarf, black singlet with frilled bottom. Gave her family treasure trove - Nature of Australia series
60+ fem lost, wandered about then had a quick look and was gone before I could offer direction or purpose
40+ male Parked had a quick dismissive look through stuff then went on to hospital
40+ male with son, dau & basketball
40+ mum & 14+ son with the mortified look only a 14 yr son can muster
60+ fem from Griffiths teacher for 40 yrs dau has 14 month old and newborn bought memory card game in clear video box
40+ fem curly hair on bike on footpath no helmet
50+ fem Mandy been for a walk and now running late for work
20+ fem wanted to know where dentist was, so I told her
18+ fem Uni long blonde hair sick of walking everywhere get home to have a rest wearing layers of mauve clothing
30+ couple Indian sheepishly returned a minute later as wallet had been forgotten
8-10 yr male I said ' You haven't run away from home, I hope'
40+ fem bought white fairy dress-up, Cue black skirt, dvd & book
Thurs 6 Apr 2017
Saying 'I've only got a $50 note' is the same as saying 'Look what I've got and you're not having'
30+ male accountant starting 2 and a half year old on toilet training over Easter, baby due June
20+ been shy boy, Subway slim. In suit, now works for accounting firm
30+ male Indian walks from Burnbank st
30+ fem with George half pug cocker spaniel
20+ fem recommended 'Dude & Zen master' may come back for psych, public speaking & ad buster books
50+ fem only had $50 note
40+ mum carrying takeway coffee 10 yr dau 'We're right thank you'
60+ fem white bought short sleeved shirt, pale green cotton trousers and chatted to passing friend with brown dog
Wed 5 Apr 2017
Sometimes loss becomes re-housed
James lost a lot of weight, been walking 5kms a day
40+ fem with lots of grandchildren promised 'a very quick look' and so it was!
12+ male on bike gave plastic Myki holder, showed microscope may be back with cash
40+ male met 2 summers ago 'Any more rings?' ex-paper boy His dad has cancer, going up to cemetery now, gave him 'Built to last
fem bought violet blue cardigan
couple Bill Wannan & Australian knicknames books
50+ fem happy with size 18 orange cardi which I had found last week near hospital, draped it over a post for 3 days, then bought it home and washed. Gave Men are from Mars book and free pea seeds
50+ fem with 6 yr & 3yr grandchildren bought size 4 red aunty-knitted jumper and yellow droplets ear rings
Tues 4 Apr 2017
Damn. Varicose veins procedure postponed as well as being off happy tablets equals mood fluctuations.
70+ male 'Gotta get to golf in 10 mins' think he is a neighbor
30+ male carrying skate board 'I don't read' I laughed and laughed some more
50+ fem bought red Ballarat Bonnet gave 4 free books
Edward and fem friend child's b&w chef hat, History of Ballarat Hatchery, free Honesty seeds
70+ male been to see friend in hospital, dvd, free books & honesty seeds
70+ male recently read Michelle Payne's book but nothing else
Gardener took a mobile phone pic of knitted hat with ears for dau Holly, wanted pink Japanese Wind Flowers for a customer
8-12 boy gave free metal egg holder, he collects Big Bird stuff, bought wiggley biro Mum in hospital with cancer. Gave bunch flowers.
Cold and rain for days
Sun 26 Mar 2017
Giving stuff up hurts a bit
30+ male bought dress-ups for Rocky Horror party, blue 1970s negligee, 2 g-strings and Ballarat Bonnet
15-18 yr males x 2 gave 'Teachers Rule' badge
70+ fem lots of grandchildren and great grandchildren bought shortbread biscuit tin with mini cars, free pincushion seeds
50+ fem long petticoat for Sari night chose my favorite book 'Love, Loss and what I wore' as freebie
40+ dad 9 yr dau kalidescope, magnetic checkers, yo yo, long sleeve colorful top, free pea seeds
Family in truck 'Before it's too late' psychology book, locally made Bush Skills card game, free pea seeds
50+ couple talked about heritage colors for houses, clothes for 2yr grand-dau and last Allan Alberg book, free pea seeds
Sat 25 Mar 2017
70+ x 2 couples ben before Going to Mill st garage sale next, brown jacket, green cotton check pants, gave men's cream short sleeved shirt as it had a small stain
50+ fem in wheelchair with 15-18yr fem Rock n Roll cds, painted decorative ceramic mask, Hangover dvds x 3 free Honesty seeds and 3 free books
Fri 24 Mar 2017
3 customers at once and one got away
40+ fem father was a teacher, War movie book, box of ribbons, set of Egyptian drawers and gods, white chef's hat
40+ fem pink baby dress, Mike Trelaor 1970s shirt free pea seeds
18+ carers x 2 Tommy 8 yrs in pusher free yellow plastic camera. I posed.
Thur 23 Mar 2017
50+ fem was size 28 now size 8, drink water, walk up hill for cholesterol, down hill for sugar
40+ male blue short sleeve men's shirt, free Adam Spencer Numbers book for 10 & 12 yr olds into Maths
70+ fem B&w short jacket, mini ceramic turtle, short socks, free double apricot Hollyhock seeds
40+ male work clothes smoker, parked around corner, Chess, checkers 7 snakesnladders set, free spelling book, free squezy toys ' 'Butt out Buddy' and 'Office Politician'
80+ couple Loganberry cutting explained risk that it could be a raspberry, Elephant Ears planta and Hustle series
60+ couple boys striped blue windcheater, 3 free books picked child's 'On my way home'
80+ mum 60+ dau been around the block in determination, sage cuttings, book free pea seeds
80+ couple been before both ill-health Simon Pegg dvd 3 free books
50+ fem Nola from YMCA days swapped adult children stories
About to pack up
50+ couple he long beard bought 'Mick from Time Team Knitted Woollen Wee Willie Winkie Cap' circle of bells on wire, free gardening book and double hollyhock seeds
Sun 19 Mar 2017
60+ fem book and 3 free books
30+ male took glued Transformers jigsaw & Transformers book for 4 yr son & Allan Alberg book for 2 yr dau Will put money in letterbox next week. Didn't.
40+ couple stationwagon full of boys who play badminton, Humphrey Bogart posters & books
50+ fem from Hamilton Major Pettigrew book, Calendula seeds
70+ fem works St Vincents 'No No Nothing I need here' Took free calendula seeds
Sat 18 Mar 2017
Grimace should be chewed
Grandad and 3yr girl spinning top, koala broach, free pea seeds
40+ couple Fiorucci red gypsy top & skirt
20+ fem hippy been before Cue size 8 cream set, Cue black shirt coat dress, green skivvy
20+ males x3 Thai aero students on bikes
50+ fem long sleeve cotton dress, free baby book for dau
60+ fem mini photo album, stickers for grandson
18+ mum & baby gave purple Grimace stuffed toy, board book and Calendula seeds May return for size 2 winter dress
Mon 13 Mar 2017
Vision impared can still spot a bargain
45+ male been before, old Australian currency, free headband
40+ fem Ukranian accent, green top, books, wanted to pay for 3 free books
60+ fem x2 white shirt, USA coins, 3 free books
40+ couple wanted Christian or New Age books, bought Hypnotism, Body Language books, free USA coins
40+ mum 11 yr son 9 yr dau books, Mad Mags, Ghost and Lightning book, necklace, ring, mini ecto-sketch, free pincushion seeds
70+ fem x 2 one vision impared, books, necklace, long black cardigan, free pincushion seeds
Sun 12 Mar 2017
Neighbors Beware ... my plants may get to you
40+ couple big pot of 'Neighbors be gone' live Snake Valley
70+ couple windcheater, white shirt, book on public speaking and 3 free books
60+ fem x 2 from NSW pot of bluec star plant 'TrynTellYa' 3 free books
Sat 11 Mar 2017
Science is in a sweet pea seed
50+ male 40+ Asian fem doing garage sales to buy wooden chairs to do up and re-sell
Took photo of me in 'Ballarat Bonnet' for amusement of Nanna
50+ fem only grows things to eat bought Don Burke's book
20+ couple live behind Aldi will return with change
30+ nun bought scarves gave miniature dog and free pincushion seeds
70+ fem motorised chair bunch sweet pea flowers, free pea seeds explained how they dry out in the paper bag then pop and spin open
Wed 8 Mar 2017
A name...a name... it is all in a name
50+ male wife at dentist, books, free pea seeds
60+ fem white shirt, free pea seeds
I put my creation of a 1970s scarf cut to a circle and sewn to a stretchy headband named 'silky tam' or maybe 'Ballarat Bonnet'
on display head
Gave size 10 black winter skirt to 20+ ACU student as 'pass it on'
20+ Indian fem x2 thought 'silky tam' would be too big
Tues 7 Mar 2017
Too hot to sit at table so melted into the shade
English couple he had anurism, books, free seeds
60+ fem had a skin cancer removed, white pants, cotton short sleeved top, full of praise
ACU student Asian size 10 promised her a freebie as a 'pass it on' from previous customer's generosity
60+ male book, Sue having back op
60+ fem mauve bob book, sage, stripey change purse
15+ fem Asian gave her small wooden bracelet
50+ couple with dog in pram 'can't walk up hills'
Sat 4 Mar 2017
Hot all last week so made Children's chef hats
Tall toothfree Tim
ZOA 833 white sedan 40+ mum 4 & 6 yr dau youngest had pushed over stool blocking gate and came in spilling pot plants over. No purchase No freebies
70+ fem long brown top with curved neckline and back zip
70+ male heading to North Ballarat Bingo dvds, free Mussie Tussie and blue clip on ear rings for mum
60+ grandma killing time before babysitting dvd
Families walking to city for White Night Festival
Sun 26 Feb 2017
Bushmen like a story
60+ male Gerard bushman beard silk flowers, child's broadbrim hat with buttons sewn on to tell a story of kangaroo bouncing from bushfire to beach, free gardening book & camoflague ankle socks
40+ fem clothes, metal thingy for a windchime, drawstring home-sewn bag free Musie Tussie
40+ fem husband in car silk material free Mussie Tussie
James with bandages off gave squeezy toy to exercise hand said he may get work as a plasterer
20+ couple in sports car he blonde curls she size 10 all giggles free Mussie Tussie
50+ fem doing a sewing course bought sage free Mussie Tussie
40+ couple who had been to Hawaiian party bought clothes including leather patchwork skirt
Sat 25 Feb 2017
Fresh mint leaf tea goes black
40+ fem x 2 size 18 looked at big pants gave eau de cologne mint
15+ fem x 5 been rowing and hope to beat Loreto
50+ fem with daschund chatted about fresh mint-leaf tea
Noon 20 or more adults all shapes and sizes in a Walking Group 50+ fem NZ bought red & blue fleecy windcheater
40+ male painter showed plastic record-cover display hanger
Sat 18 Feb 2017
Irony is paying for tickets to an outdoor peformance of 'The Tempest' then not attending because it was raining
30+ fem with Irish Wolfhound
18+ male Sudanese gave him thin grey 1960s tie
20+ fem overworked fingernails bought home repaired mermaid doll
50+ fem Aboriginal slurred voice dad at wheel dvds 8yr son still working out bargain hunting skills said 'I'll give you $2 for it' so I passed him the little copper bell and he rushed back to the car in delight before I could give him a few freebies as well
50+ males x2 & spaniel showed 1970s poncho knitting booklet
15+ males x2 showed 1990 Mad Mags
15+ couple bought Mad mags
60+ fem x2 dvd free Mussie Tussie
50+ fem needed water-proof bag for back of a child's wheelchair, bought brown handbag & brown bracelet. I will look for homemade blue swimming bag and add longer drawstring
50+ fem returned to 'Thank Me' for arum lily then asked to see wheelbarrow load of plants but didn't buy anything
40+ fem carer for 20+ male gave Mussie Tussie to take to mum in hospital
30+ fem Asian size 12 looked through all clothes gave free seeds
50+ male Big Fella setting up new garden fern, sage, lobelia free pea seeds
Margaret return customer who forgot singlet husband waiting in gold sedan bought belt and white long sleeved top
40+ couple b&w sheepdog Zoe goes to doggy daycare in Delacombe
86 yr fem John waiting in car maroon jacket free Robert Morley book for dad's patience free pink sweet pea seeds
70+ fem return customer Cue acqua top short grey socks
The actors Tim Harris and Lisa Hill on promotional tour for Buninyong gardens performance of 'The Tempest' selected books & dvds
Fri 17 Feb 2017
Mussie tussie, Tussie mussie ...still smells good
60+ male portly 'Call it exercise, but I'm going for coffee'
60+ fem used to run 'Rewind' shop grandson science books & toys
60+ couple hoping to shift to Ballarat looking at houses locally grandtwins books and free Mussie Tussie
60+ fem Maggie free Mussie Tussie bought pink sweet pea seeds
60+ male been to see mum cold feet Nazareth house, found clean woollen bed socks inside, bought Wendy Harmer book free Mussie Tussie
50+ fem parked opposite gold sedan going to hospital 'emergency clothes' for grandchildren visits free magnet & Mussie Tussie
40+ male long whiskers wife in car dvds free Mussie Tussie for mum
30+ very pregnant mum with choc milk Lily likes groundcover so will pot up some for them
Thurs 16 Feb 2017
Shifting they are going out of style...a wise move
70+ males x 2 out walking for exercise
80+ couple heading for tests
50+ fem mum in hospital gave free tissues
60+ fem from Horsham bought green pants
40+ male council worker bought dvds
50+ male sprained arm 5 dvds free pink sweet pea seeds
25+ mum baby Beatrice
30+ male backpack no hat heading to cemetery 'Actually I will have a dvd' and chose Death at a funeral
25+ male young doc I offered free pocket frog 'No that's alright'
Bev & Dennis would I sell their stuff
40+ fem belts, blue Rivers bike pattern bag
60+ fem freshly peeled, works at dentist green crossover top
Wed 15 Feb 2017
Stop the crying start the grizzling
Set up 8.30am said 'Hurry Up' like Bill Steamshovel to hospital workers racing along footpath at 10 to 9
30+ male wearing moccies shuffling towards cemetery
60+ male with prof camera asked if he was a tourist with that high-fauluting gadget
12.30 a Lady Fonteyn arrived left her driver at the wheel accepted freebies glanced at clothes then departed
2pm new mother with Howard didn't need books
30+ mum with Jake and dau bought size 12 clothes Ricky Gervais dvd
60+ fem sewing material, Cue long dark blue shirt-dress gave Cue cream jacket very worn, free seeds
5.30pm 30+ male accountant gave book '100 ways to stop the crying' Mel takes photos
Tues 14 Feb 2017
If you have yourself, you have someone
Set up in arvo after buying more balloons
50+ couple just spent money on lunch
30+ fem hospital worker parked all day carrying flowers 'Did you get him something?' No
80+ fem 'I've got no-one, dear'
8 yr male gave plastic heart-shaped tin 'for free!'
40+ male handsome in a missing teeth, tatts kind of way, had previously put change in tin for a ring and heart-shaped necklace and was checking that I'd got it. Gave him heart-shaped eye patch. Just missed by a young male motorcyclist wearing a green top who roared along our footpath on an unregistered bike before zooming back onto the road.
Sat 11 Feb 2017
Valentine always disappoints
50+ fem her sister Lorensini pshychologist bought Cue bright pink & yellow spot wrap dress, blue child's t-shirt, free sweet pea seeds
30+ fem bought petticoat, clothes & sewing material
30+ male a Bryce Ives lookalike bought Richard Scary book, free tissues
80+ fem sage cuttings free tissues
50+ male another bike gardener liked leadlight bear gave free 'Helper' badge
40+ couple heading to Geelong for Hawaiian party bought dress ups - hoola skirt, lei flowers, woven thongs, coconut bra, men's 1930s bathing suit & flippers, also black shirred top re-purposed from long skirt Gave free sweet pea seeds for their block of land
60+ male who walks to Wendouree asked where Bogart was
30+ male Asian doc made him stop and look at Valentine's red felt hearts handbands, headbands or legbands
Tues 7 Feb 2017
All doctors are named Michael
40+ fem has 8 yr old dau and 10 and 12 yr old boys All her doctors are named Michael. Bought new Dimmeys blue runners, Cue x2 Gave free sweet pea seeds
30+ fem bought joker hat with bells, felt set gave free felt & hessian for cross-stitch
Kathy bought John Grisham book
65 + fem been before bought England book & green coasters with pics of old buildings, trams etc
70+ fem bought size 2 toddler dress, orange beads, white belt with bird clasp
Ella student doc thought I knew her name from family connections until I reminded her of large dangling name tag
50+ male bought size 36 green cotton trousers and zip-off light weight hiking trousers gave free low cut socks
50+ fem bought blue-striped long cotton dress and cream zip-windcheater
Sun 5 Feb 2017
Free. Free. Happy to have Free.
James walked past and I asked 'All good?' and he nodded ok
40+ mum size 24 dau size 14 bought b & w Cue blouse top to wear open as a jacket Free little pack of tissues
60+ grandma dau and 2 yr old in car Fussed through everything then happily took away free sweet pea seeds
50+ dad with 2 daus -quick talkin carney folk- been before bought a ring Free pack of tissues
50+ neighbour with new pup walking on footpath to wear down sharp claws
Sat 4 Feb 2017
You always want what I haven't got, but I give you what you need
50+ fem walkers one happily bought Cue blue & white spotted top, the other was Not Checking Her Pockets for change
30+ male 'Do you have cufflinks?' Gave him free empty Ryobi case for child's lunch box toy, bought glow stick braclets and silver metal tray
60+ fem size 20 & 40+ fem size 12 bought hand made summer toddler's dress gave free child's writing set Wanted bowls to grow succulents in I suggested Spoils $4 large white salad bowls and drill holes
40+ male wanted hand towel with crotched top
80+ fem bought artificial flowers for husband in cemetery Free squeezy toy for arthritis in hands
70+ fem Scottish accent fiddled with our fuschias bought Thea Astley book
Burned hands James asked 'How was business?' then "Can you lend me $3.20 for the pain killers?' I gave him an understanding look and replied 'No James. I won't.'
Fri 3 Feb 2017
A 3 month anniversary zips past
50+ male 'Been here last year and wife bought stuff' bought red itty bitty bin with meccano
50+ male looking for recent novels
30+ fem with Charlie 2yrs 'Alfie gets in first' felt tray Free yellow plastic scissors
Denise chatted re travel insurance
25+ bike riding couple she pregnant works childcare he beard and teaches sword fighting gave dad pregnancy book, bought baby nighty, said grandfather would pick up Sesame street wall hanging but of course he never did
40+ fem chatted son has a mental illness, bought grammar books, Waltzing Matilda glove puppet, free felt & free fridge photo frame
Thurs 2 Feb 2017
Sing me a song and I'll give you sixpence
50+ fem long white hair bought maroon necklace
50+ fem had son and 2 homeless youths in 2 bed flat had no car for 18 months now helping a woman from radio's Buy Swap and Sell who has nothing Gave her a badge
30+ dad with 3yr old daus x2 one likes pink one likes red gave clip on ear rings bougt jigasws and jade green bracelet for mum Free smiley badge for dad
Wed 1 Feb 2017
Happy customers return...sometimes because they forgot purchases
50+ fem from Ballan with chronic lung disease bought child's green zip up windcheater & lace tablecloth
James going to get painkillers for burnt hands
50+ fem said Norma Clark was engaged but her fiance died during the War
50+ fem son has farm lost dau 2 yr old son & due April bought cards gave child's wooden blocks set, magnet & child's blue windcheater
60+ fem return customer bought red stemmed rocket, celery, tiny toys yellow locket, fairy book gave free grammar book and postcards Lost her keys for a moment then went off without plants, returned a bit later
Kaye ex IT retrained as personal trainer
Carmel mother of Myles from YMCA days
Little family Chelsea & new baby Darcy walking mum to Mill st as it was the closest all day park
30+ fem Asian parks all day from 6am in front of our house for free Wanted a dvd seen months ago bought Spelling Rules book
18+ fem Melb skinny hippy Mum lives locally bought children's clothes gave free olive green cords & old tie-dyed string bag
Tues 31 Jan 2017
Don't throw your mobile against a wall
30+ mum dau 7 yrs Zak 4 yrs gave free white cardboard treasure chest & squeezy toy
30+ mum dau 6 yrs had given free stickers before Going to breakfast then Officeworks
60+ Kathy looking for a small hat, catching Sebas bus
50+ male beard & akubra wife size 20 Dau 14 yrs from Stawell been to docs for dad Free bracelet kit, How to Pass Exams book, bought old books
30+ male James bandaged hands threw his mobile against the wall and battery burned curtains
30+ male with Chelsea going to see new baby Darcy bought vegemite glass and 2 books, gave flowers for mum
20+ couple gave vegemite glass and expressed 'amazement' at their utter utter ignorance of true Australina culture
70+ fem golfer asked me 'is this the local op shop' lives Mill st and doesn't like hospital staff parking there all day
Brenda & 3 dogs
Kelvin & Cheryl & doggie Maggie parking is too close to trees and driveways
Sat 28 Jan 2017
Children's knapsack, tent and picnic basket make good memories
7am set up
60+ fem Polish accent  b & w Scotty dogs mirror, fern b & w dress, purple long sleeved cotton blouse free coat hangers
40+ fem looking for size 12 - 14 jeans
40+ couple big fella size 14 fem long white cardi & singlet top
40+ couple beard bucket hat fem short size 12 bought all dinosaur stuff including knapsack, ribbon plant, free tin coffee, going to Gordon where a lady runs a hat shop in a church
80+ retired preacherman joke book, stretchy socks
60+ couple grandparents bought children's colorful tent, 2 sleeping bags, mini picnic basket Free numbers game
30+ couple he big she small bought dressing gown, clothes & man's belt Free book for grandma in hospital
50+ fem x 2 Free tin coffee No purchase
40+ fem 2 books Free tin coffee
40+ Margaret had left behind a singlet top last time, gave her another
Fri 27 Jan 2017
Everyone should have a set of Wheel Clamps which only release after Sincere Apology
9am YDV 112 set up with sun reflectors
40+ couple parked across road 'May look on way back'
40+ fem x 2 been cleaning free dark blue pillowcases 2 bras
50+ couple bought books gave free 'Wit and Wisdom of Women'
70+ couple with Eng accent Hughie 2yrs
Thurs 26 Australia Day no selling
Wed 25 Jan 2017
Nothing says Sale like a red balloon ... or does it
Set up at 11.30am after buying more red balloons from Spoils
40+ male on bike asked if I had made any money
20+ male 'Ned' beard said hello
20+ male local now has a job in Qld
70+ male has 1 grandchild and 2 on the way live Qld & Perth
30+ fem 4yr dau with training wheels ... on a bike
15+ bro 12+ sis & dog
30+ male Asian doc
Neighbor needs jacket for relative in hospital
40+ male sun slapped 'how much for children's tent?'
20+ fem short thin size 6-8 walking for exercise
YDV 112 left
Tues 23 Jan
Brains work best IN your skull
50+ couple big pot sage, 2 terracotta pots with gazania & pennyroyal mint Free books
60+ male 'hihorse' from Newstead taking old publisher friend of 'Spycatcher' fame for treatment, bought old books for graphic design, free grammar book
70+ fem had a lean on fence and a loud talk on mobile 'having treatment and have to get out and have a walk'
Noon 14+ males x2 bike & scooter Listened to 'helmets keep your brains off the footpath' lecture, while I taught one how to knot the blue leather tie, other lad chose 2 badges
30+ fem Indian 4 squeezy toys, locomotive book
30+ mum 2yr Leon new to Ballarat gave squeezy toy
40+ male 30+ fem & 20+ male asked me to set aside Ber & Wine book and old tins. Of course they did not return.
80+ fem & 60+ dau had coffee at GAS in Creswick road, just killling time Free magazine
60+ male white beard all have birthdays in Feb activity boxes & board book for baby due
YDV 112 small silver blue parked all day in 2 hour spot
35+ mum 3rd baby in pusher suggested 'Parent Place' for new mother in neighborhood
40+ fem pink cardi & denim skirt
40+ & 20+ fem skirts & big Nursery Rhyme book
20+ fem counsellor did undergrad then Masters in Psych, gave her 2 size 8 blouses and she returned with coin
Sat 20 Jan 2017
A wave from Wayne works wonders
8am put stuff out then had breakfast. Neighbour across road gave a cheery wave
50+ fem size 20 bought family history book and lemon scented geranium
80+ male making salad rolls for lunch, going bowling at Invermay, bought book
40+ mum with 8yr & 5yr daus 2 pots violets, parrot badge, 'choker' necklace with free reminder to take care
80+ reired preacher man size 36 'inspirational' shorts Returned later wearing them with a grin
80+ couple parsley plant & Ballarat souvenir teaspoon
15+ male going to Cash Converters to sell earphones Gave 'Free Hug' magnet
60+ male Chris & Max the eternal lab pup
60+ fem Roald Dahl books for grandchildren Free bookmark with pretty beads
40+ couple Faye - her people from Gippsland & Terry filled me in on Woodward Moulemein Algie family history also an Elliott who married a Webster have aboriginal connection. Big pot sage & free Just Jeans 1970s hessian bag
40+ male a painter bought children's guitar, old signs, 1974 Womens' Weekly
40+ fem size 10-12 free pale floral shoestring strap lined summer dress, bought fern
6.30pm Kathy - rescue dog Cue short jacket, denim jacket, 3 pairs shoes, one pair to be glued and picked up later
Thurs 19 Jan 2017
Give and you shall eventually receive
50+ fem Italian found her lovely colorful top at market, bought books
20+ male Colin McCall from Simply Energy tried to sell a deal, I offered iceblocks for drink bottle
18+ fem bought white hat with her shrapnel
50+ fem volunteers at St John's Soldiers Hill op shop bought green necklace
50+ male offered me boxes of books that he had reviewed in the past No politely No
30+ mum with Lily in pusher gave board book
60+ male Ian Walker from Camperdown parents Maryborough a return customer bought books
50+ male Brendan Cooper a gardener with 30 yrs experience gave me his contact details 0447 711284 bought overalls
40+ fem bought grey cardigan & black belt
Wed 18 Jan 2017
Lectures by Juniris are free
50+ fem size 18 bought green singlet & long sleeved top
18+ fem babysitter with 3 children including 3 yr old Charlie
30+ male wandering along bike path Gave him a lecture and a free Aboriginal book
20+ fem young doc had tied her fancy bike to Bernard's pole all day
40+ father 4 boys catching bus gave Lachlan black bucket hat and free badges for being good lads
Sat 14 Jan 2017
Kicking the dog out of the way may cause injury
70+ male 'Touchy Feely' had a little touch of itty bitty bin
40+ male bought windcheater, shirt, dvds, retro Weekly Times prints, while waiting for wife in casualty after she broke foot bones from trying to hoist dog out of the way
60+ male jogger 50 years ago he used to play with a boy named Flynn who lived nearby
40+ fem 50+ male gave tea towel with her aunty's totem decoration bought jeans & floaty white top
80+ male retired preacher man bought long white stretchy socks for 20 cents
40+ fem & 18+ dau bought brown 1970s crotched bag, brain improvement book & dictionary
50+ male old hippy goatee wanted Playstation games
70+ fem om way to Melbourne wanted old bowls to plant cactus / succulents in
50+ neighbour asked if I would sell her stuff on commission Absolutely No No
20+ fem Peta from Newington Physio 'I usually park up there' no where near her place of employment
Thurs 12 Jan 2017
You never know what you may find
30+ fem bought children's activities for friend in hospital
50+ male monk haircut 10+ dau pulled into driveway jumped out saying 'You never know what you might find..' then jumped back in 4 wheel drive after I offered freebies
20+ fem blue scrubs bought book
20+ fem parked all day in hotted up white sedan ' Will bring money tomorrow'
20+ fem blonde wheeling a new red yuppie bike, I said 'mmm...deciding if you are a new doc or not'
30+ fem x 2 staffy dog 2 children bought mini pinball game gave free spider badge
60+ fem & 20+ son who stayed in car while she bought 'Ellen' type zip up windcheater
Wed 11 Jan 2017
You should grow Honesty
10am gave Simon free magazine for Bev
11am Sam our newish postie been doing it 6 months
Phillipa lives locally has cottage garden bought postcards
70+ fem been volunteering and desperate for loo 'Do I need a license?' I offered neither.
30+ male young doc actually wearing a hat - a cool straw pork pie
Julie visited and said her bro-in-law said percalaine is the hot new veg
60+ fem Indian wanted hand embroidered children's clothes
60+ fem Indian going to South Africa for a wedding gave her koala in a mug, bought honesty plant
20+ fem long dark brown hair finished treatment bought Dagwood badge gave free postcards
20+ fem bought red dress last year picked out heaps of items then we both spent time looking for her cash which had blown along the street and was brought back to us by 40+ fem size 16 med height short hair in ponytail
Tues 10 Jan 2017
Politeness eventually brings forth politeness
9am set up Asian doc who usually avoids eye contact actually waved unprompted and said hello, 12 noon 'Ned' said Good Morning then realising the hands had pased the hour changed to Good Afternoon, 60+ fem her mum in Nazareth house bought cotton clothes for Qld. 1pm ish 50+ fem 20+ pregnant  dau Gave Motherhood book & my webpage, bought book and material framed rainbow, 2pm  18+ fem x 2 bought zombie magnet & boob tube gave free postcards, 85+ fem can just see over fence visiting husband can only watch tv, 40+ male chubby balding short beard grumped past to silver 4 door ute parked all day, 40+ mum 18+ dau with L Plate - but not the same one as yesterday bought Soft kitty Warm kitty t-shirt
Mon 9 Jan 2017
Telling hospital workers 'Cheer up it may not happen' results in deeper frowns
8am set up. Sour faced hospital workers parking in residential streets all day for free grumped past, 10am 'Max' the permanent lab puppy and bemused owner, Extra change in honesty tin when I returned from cuppa, 50+ male on phone trying to ignore me, said he was deaf in one ear, I offered a free dvd he heard.  30+ fem x 2 Irish or Scottish accents couldn't tell as  their 4 year olds x 2 were a tad hyperactive bought children's backpacks and toys, 35+ fem dyed maroon hair bought clothes loves op shops, 68 yr male volunteers old people's home His mum wants air-con, bought shorts for himself, 20+ fem works Narareth House wanted Russian language books, bought Grey's Anatomy hardback with all her change, 60+ fem from Ararat son at dentist bought book gave free Family History magazine, 50+ fem x 2 friends been to lunch bought book, 50+ mum & 25+ son bought tubs of lobelia
Sat 7 Jan 2017
Capturing the Saturday Garage Sales Customers may work
6.15am set up Only crazy people time and joggers and dog walkers 11.30am first sale 50+ mum & 17 dau with L plates dvd and free magazine, 40+ fem white truck looked at men's shorts but needs a white pair for tennis said she always likes to stop and look at my stuff, gave free dvd, 50+ mum size 12 both short 30+ dau size 18 Seen me often and determined to stop this time Bought several items
3pm 40+ couple bought clothing, books gave free dvd & child's snap card game 4pm 60+ male had walked a long way in the heat but I didn't think quickly enough to offer a glass of water 2 dvds, 6pm 40+ fem bought clothing
4 Jan 2017
De-stocking a home over summer in order to maintain dust control is sure to result in happy Carriageway sales
Crazily jumped out of bed & set up by 8am. All hospital workers parked up the road for free all day deliberately avoiding eye contact. 20+ male who lives behind Don Chiccios chatted about his dog 40+ fem walkers had no change but chatted about value of super dooper cooling vest Xmas present 40+ mum & 3 sons on scooters live around the corner Gave plastic house-shaped moneybox.
60+ fem dyed dark hair been up to hospital parked just there & thought I'd browse through wht you've got, didn't want a free magazine. 20+ fem no shoes bought plants, 1970s Levi and MASH caps and a book on the history of denim 70+ couple going for coffee suggested I bring the tv outside

3 Nov 2016
'Sitting out' on a chair is a bit boring ... especially when there are no donuts involved.
Warning : If - like most of the Australian population who are over 60 years old - you are a bottle fed baby boomer, you may wish to put your last Will and Testament in an easy to spot place right now. Buy a torch and batteries and angle it towards said W & T as an emergency spotlight. OK. I shall continue. If you are slightly overweight or a little unfit you may want to cram that last piece of cream filled sponge down and wash it on its journey with some thing highly sugared ... as a preventative measure ...
in case of shock before reading on.
On 2 November 2016 a very fit and healthy retired 64 year old male (PP) was going about his normal business walking the lake and carrying home a few supermarket items. PP had been ignoring the occasional tingling in both his arms while walking on cold mornings and a bit of shoulder pain when carrying a backpack of potatoes. He was often at the doctors for check-ups as retired people with an empty 24 hours in every day are fond of doing. Because of a fever when he was a child he also had regular heart and lung function checks. As the private system had a spot last week for an Echo Cardiogram test, PP had a 'going over' there and all was the same as last check a few years ago. Blood tests showed his cholesterol had risen from its normal number of 5 to 6.3 so he was booked in for an Angiogram. Ping. Stents were discussed as difficult or maybe the more technical term used was tricky. A ride in an ambulance to Epworth hospital in trendy Richmond to be snapped open by a woman with magic in her hands was decided upon.
Consumption of water to flush out angiogram dyes was begun. Asprin and Atovastat now PP's lifelong friends.
Skpying the news to relatives including doctors of all descriptions, red flagged the need to check if
Everything was Covered by Medibank.
Coffee and big slab of cake with transfats for the bystanders helped take the stun out of the news and speed of its delivery.
Stents may have been considered for an 80+ patient but bypass surgery would be better in the long term. The magic surgeon would 'do' three arteries by taking a vein from his arm or leg and have a good look at his heart valve while she was 'in there'
Then, the bumpiest ambulance invented took our Pyjamied Patient to Richmond.
The previously never considered 'cow or pig valve discussion' was held with the surgeon and cow was the winner. PP would be 'done' first thing the very next day. The line up of inpatient sorry impatient cows willing to donate still an unknown factor.
All went to plan and some: A Quadruple Bypass and a 'quite diseased' valve replaced by a cow valve and all surprised by the very tight narrowings in the arteries given PP's fitness. They did an ultrasound after the operation and everything was working fine.
PP may not have realised the after effects of such an operation included carrying a bundle of joy close to his chest. A wad of towel taped into a firm cushion shape was a constant companion, pretend chestfeeding to assist in the coughing exercises required to ease congestion. Weekend staff - 'Oh I need the work' - didn't bother cross checking who had last enquired about the First Bowel Motion Post Operation. The salty chicken and corn soup, boiled fish boiled carrots and zucchini mush - although surely carefully selected for a heart patient - did little to progress matters. Ordering 'garden salad' to lift the silver lid on chunks of fatty lamb, ham, cheese and mustard on top of old lettuce, was demoralising. Situation could not be improved by pepper without the danger of a staple popping sneeze. Deserts all super sweet and biscuits mainly crumbly shortbread 'head straight down the windpipe' types. Ah! Memories of souvenir hospital biscuits, probably the same ones as supplied in motels and even aeroplanes. Nummy num num. Neatly enclosed in gift wrap to be slipped in a pocket or purse for Ron... later on. The heart shaped pillow supplied to take as a happy souvenir from hospital to hospital to home was too firm and slippery to put under head to ease sore neck. Attached baby - a portable Telemetrics machine - and above bed tv monitor constantly cry out to remind PP of his brush with mortality. Long leg scar, chest scar and drainage tube scars mean no mongrel will be 'making a canoe' out of him. Visitors thankful for in-hospital cafe which has angst relieving cakes and coffee. On Monday 14 November PP transferred back to home-town hospital for a 'sit out' week. PP loves a routine so getting out of bed, shaving, showering, breakfasting, toileting, checking radio tv & online news all before 7am ... Not a Problem! Sitting out on chair a bit boring. Next few months of rehab routine - a completely successful breeze!

19 Sep 2016
Trove, the old newspapers on-line site keeps on giving, and this one isn't a digital mis-scan, but actual news to me:
Geelong Advertiser Wed 24 Sep 1851 apparently Ballarat was referred to as having "Golden Vomit"
You can make your own jokes about painting shoes a bright color; what's wrong with carrots; was there a creature up on a mountain on a very windy day thousands of years ago... you're welcome

5 Sep 2016
Keeping body and soul clinging together is a challenge over a long Ballarat winter.
The scant plum tree blossom demands it is time for more physical gardening activity before the mental reward of Troving.
Putting in "Ballaarat Times" in the seach box of the old newspaper on line came up with this digital mis-scanning:
..."but as the Justices on Faturday refused... instead of the more restrained and definitely pre-winter weight 'Saturday'

To keep me company over winter ... best choose characters in a book any book
'Pride and prejudice and zombies...' - a reminder of the extreme version of sentence structure revered in 1950s schooling, relieved by zombies
'Dead men don't order flake' - an enjoyable Australian murder mystery hopefully turned into a tv series
'The one-in-a-million boy' - pretty good
'The brilliant & forever' - I forget
'Lost & found' by Brooke Davis - wonderful as I could easily visualize it as an award winning Australian movie
'Oscar and Lucinda' by Peter Carey - a lovely example of how to make Australian family history interesting
'The Night Circus' by Erin Morgenstern - different and delightful, especially if circus magic intrigues

2 May 2016
Cleaning a house to sell, or a flat after a tenant has been and gone, is a job best hand-balled to someone else -
David and Kate if you live in the Ballarat area.
'Bright N Clean. Clean and Maintenance' will happily sort out your problems.
Lawns & Gardens, Rubbish removal, General Maintenance,  as well as Office and Residential internal and external cleaning.
David and Kate are a quiet, hard working couple who will do a good job. Contact David : 0407 819 367 or Kate : 0400 982 518

2 May 2016
Finding out your insides are as clean as a whistle - priceless.
Eating half a cream filled sponge as celebration... not so well thought out.

16 Apr 2016
Following or 'stalking' via Instagram is the best virtual road trip.

14 Apr 2016
Burying the last cat is sad. It's ok. She was dead.
Adventurous as always KintaKatty was at my feet one moment waiting for her share of magpie mince, then gone. Not dead, just knicky-whooped. I searched everywhere, inside and outside the house, shone a torch into all the good quiet places to die, then we all re-searched. I asked around the neighbours, not wishing a lingering smell under the house on anyone. Husband was hammering at the rusted-stubborn lock on the side gate to check under the old slide, when Kinta reappeared, having been down the drain and now standing between his legs looking up with her remaining bits of curiosity and all the strength her boney old neck could manage. We put her in the laundry with her usual bedding, poo tray, food and water bowl but all were ignored. The next night we all patted her goodbye but with the aloofness that was Kinta, she greeted us again with dark sullen eyes the next morning. I put her in her box and lay her on her side stroking her with 'good girl' reassurance and she quietly drifted off around lunch time.

11 Apr 2016
Bells do not chime to celebrate sin.

11 Apr 2016
Making broth for pre-procedure should come with a slippery sieve warning.
First purchase a whole dead chook because tea tonight and some bits for stirfrying another meal, will all be dealt with at the same time. Remove breast fillets with a knife and maybe a pair of kitchen scissors - not the haircutting ones- and shame chicken for believing it needed such enhancement. Remove thigh meat and freeze for a lunch time extravagance. Break remaining carcass mercelessly into a large pot of cold water and add chopped onion, parsnip, carrot, celery, mushrooms, parsley and thyme.
Simmer for an hour. Cook some pasta in another pot, strain and tip into an oven proof dish.  Remove cooked chicken pieces onto a plate to cool down to not sealing finger skin temperature. Strain stock into another large enough pot, tip veges onto another plate to cool a bit - enough to not ow ow ow when flicked into face while bamixing. Stop slipping on bits of cooked onion somehow on the kitchen floor. Peel bits of cooked chicken meat off bones and toss into the ceramic oven dish with cooked pasta and bamixed veges. Put chicken bones back into stock for a bit more simmering. Try not to confuse bowl of bits of gristly chicken for cat with bits to go back into stock. Skin the chicken skin fat from the broth with a spoon and add to cat's container. Make a white sauce with melted margarine, dried tarragon, plain flour and a bit of the stock and some milk and add plenty of grated cheese, then mix cheesy sauce into cooked chicken pieces, bamixed veges and cooked pasta. Beat in a couple of eggs if there is still space in the ceramic dish. Cover with silver foil and bake in oven until tea time. When you are starting to feel hungry or Eddie has started that game where he lets the chosen ones win and the unchosen take home a thousand dollars for their trouble, take the foil off so the top will brown.
Take the bones out of the stock, strain again with rinsed clean non slippery strainer then portion into plastic bag lined containers and freeze for required liquid diet day. Wash up all the saucepans and pots or have the broth wench do it.
Enjoy pasta bake. It's not Karen's Ziti, but it is tasty and filling.

7 Apr 2016
Cutting your own hair is cathartic. Cutting it badly is inevitable. Having the hairdresser - the one with the dog - wonder if 62 is the new 2 year old discovering scissors for the first time ... not really priceless even for a pensioner.
An opening for a new business "Men's Haircuts - for Women"
A self made beanie now being worn inside the house and out, as well as a scarf to replace the heat lost from extra long 3 year growth wavy greying locks that now lay in a box.

17 Mar 2016
Discovering the effect of sunlight on shaded plants is science 101. The removal of several apple tree branches and the 45 degree leaning bayliana wattle has surprised several plants and confused a few sparrows.

1 Apr 2016
Not fair. Ross Noble is breathing Ballarat air and I still have a cold.

17 Feb 2016
God I Love Him. Tim not Pell.

12 Feb 2016
Fungus growing on dead apple tree bit looks pretty. Until I leaned against the stump of a branch removed 5 or more years ago I thought the fairy land created by the appearance of crinkly cracked wood and fungus was aww sweet. Then I toppled forward when pulling out weeds from around the apple tree, still grasping a handful of rotted stump. I paused - momentarily I thought - to investigate how much rotted wood there could possibly be. After 3 garbage bags were full of pale crumbly bits and numerous black beetles, slaters and earwigs had been allowed to scramble off into the fernery, I raised my wombat bum from the 70 cm deep hole. Perhaps it is time to consult the tree man again.

1 Feb 2016
Surely it is too early to call Autumn.

1 Jan 2016
Writing the new year as a date is fun. Filling in the new calendar with not to be forgotten birthdays also fun. Giggling at how old others will be is fun. Realising self will be ever so old not so much. Hoping self still breathing all through 2016 is sufficient encouragement to record accurate age rather than an automatic ten year deduction for good behaviour.

29 Dec 2015
If you explode Christmas chocolate in a female public toilet, just walk away. From the splatter zone it appeared a 6 year old lad had done just that. Underpants overflowing abandoned on the floor. Toilet seat lacquer setting in the heat. I held my breath and thought of the tourists as I loaded up a spare plastic bag, knotted it at arm's length and lobbed it into the bin. Somewhere in the city a son is pretending he 'made it in time' after mother shoved him into the Ladies. Possibly forever ignorant of Charlie's chocolate factory.

28 Dec 2015
It is best to know where you are going. Enthused by the smoothness of our Boxing Day train trip to more feasting and no dish washing, we set forth from Ballarat to visit a friend in Hawthorn who has changed address a few times. After walking a couple of blocks from the station and climbing several flights of stairs loaded with gifts not incense nor myrrh but stuff more angular and heavy we realised the flat was vacant. The graveyard of dead blowflies on the sill a sort of giveaway. A few texts later we travelled in a big loop via tram then footpath to Auburn. Didn't feel a bit like Joseph and his whining wife.

27 Dec 2015
'Arseless chaps' on 3rrr fm radio 1-2pm Sundays with Tony Martin and Damian Cowell is charming listening.

23 Dec 2015
Playing with new machine that poopoozes creamy iced fruit is noisy fun. Who can wait til Christmas to open such toys?

18 Dec 2015
A new summer fashion trend is wearing a wet face washer folded into a triangle and knotted around the ankle.
Could use a tea towel and do both ankles but shackle shuffle not recommended.

18 Dec 2015
You see more than the news on 'All Australian News.' A young presenter or maybe it was someone being interviewed,
had an intriguing name with an apostrophe -  not J'aime - but something like T'kiesha or T'morra.
Be warey coffee baristas. The next person who enquires will hear the spelling of my name as Jun'iris to indicate the absence of an e.

14 Dec 2015
Arancini balls must be worthy of a taste test. 'The Gypsy's Lunchbox' is now open
in the back of Mega Meats 1209a Howitt street Wendouree.

11 Dec 2015
Town Planning is a lost art. A fine weatherboard post war home is under threat of becoming yet another medical centre
at 306 Drummond street North, Ballarat.

10 Dec 2015
Foolishness is denuding a backyard and cutting down a tree to make a carpark.

3 Dec 2015
The cudliest man ever is Stephen Fry. Especially after featuring a lactating Virgin Mary on his entertaining show QI.

18 Nov 2015
The Bluestone Cafe on the corner of Drummond street south and Urquhart streets Ballarat, serves delicious Indonesian food.

12 Nov 2015
1800 GOT JUNK also contactable via 1800 468 586 are a wonderfully reliable and efficient rubbish removal service in the Melbourne area.
Man with a Van based in Abbotsford 94 173 443 are also remarkably patient in dealing with customers who change their minds several times over the contents to be shifted as well as the time of day required.

16 Oct 2015
John Faine is not such a bad bloke. Tony Martin on radio 774 this morning. No mention of next up production.

15 Oct 2015
Buzz Magazine's Matt Ryan is a genius. Apparently Tony Martin and Sarina Rowell have written a brand new sitcom which has been through development stage. It is based on "an idea no one has done before..."
mmm will its working title be "Gag Heavy," "Heavy Gag," "I think you'll find...," " inbetweenness." "never been done before," "Street by street.""Next up." "Must be coffee time."

12 Oct 2015
Having an adult child return home has few benefits. However, when Tony Martin speaks through the local yah yah music radio station, then all towels left on floor are forgiven. Apparently Tony Martin has written a new show awaiting production and is also appearing in Daylesford this weekend in Comedy for Karma with Sammy J and Celia Pacquola and many others.

10 Oct 2015
Pig is pork is yum to tum. Especially Sunpork fresh foods' 'Sweet and spicy BBQ ribs' purchased at Safeway Eastwood street in Ballarat Mall and nyummied up with potato poofs and green stuff in white bowl with fingers. The ribs are pre-cooked in a smokey barbeque and slightly chillied sauce then vac-sealed. To make poofs...Mashed potatoes mixed with a little self raising flour, 2 beaten eggs, grated cheese and lots of chopped fresh herbs then spoonfuls ploppity-plopped in blumps onto an oven tray and baked on high on top oven rack for 20 mins while ribs warm through on bottom rack. Try to not make foolish eating noises whilst consuming.

6 Oct 2015
Free travel vouchers are titillating. Nearly as good as receiving passports. Shall we venture to Geelong and take the Queenscliff ferry, or Go the whole hog and do Werribee. I assume they sell free range hogs at that zoo.

5 Oct 2015
Why not dispense with Spring? We had two lots of warm spring weather reverting in between to Winter, then Bam it is Summer.

4 Oct 2015
Hysterical historical videos like 'Homicide' and 'Division 4' should be on a streaming service.

29 Sep 2015
Williamstown is wonderful. We caught the train to Yarraville. Jumped up and to the right, causing an old grey-haired to do the tottering three step to the edge of the platform, when I was surprised by one of those scrolling ads. Had forgotten to pack a hat for sea side adventure, so bought a floppy pink one at Bill's Bargains in Anderson street. Walked around corner and looked at the plastic grass and the Sun Theatre, dodged fashionable young parents and their little trolls on scooters and several large black dogs on leashes but no cats, then hopped back on a train to Williamstown. Crossed over the oldest railway bridge ever with only a few new planks and handrails and pickets, then walked around the water's edge past the very historical drop the ball at 1 pm tower. Had the yummiest grilled fish and Greek salad ever at 'Off the Pier' delivered to our outdoor table by the brother of the best caller-out-of-numbers. Enjoyed every minute of the $15 for 50 min trip on the 'original' green Williamstown ferry through the historical waters of Hobson's Bay, saw an historical pier made of original Victorian red gum forest being demolished. Went under the Westgate and Bolte bridges then up the Yarra river. Drooled past all the rich people's yachts - perfect for a new Uber rent a yacht business - and the owner's shiney new apartments, ducked under the low bridges with a centipede's whisker's space and did a u-ey to Southgate wharf.
Had coffee and square chocolate something delicious at Lindt cafe.

28 Sep 2015
Tasmanians are lucky little devils. Tony Martin is heading there in October for a comedy show.

28 Sep 2015
Miami Motel is North Melbourne is a model motel. Looked on line for Motels in North Melbourne, after booking tickets to Fringe Festival at North Melbourne Town Hall. Miami only one that stood out. Happened to be cheap and expected it to be not so flash. Pleasantly surprised at enormous bed which would have allowed a six-some. Reality was unbelievably quiet snore free stretched out sleep. Bed firm but comfortable. Pillows a bit too firm but used one over head to eliminate distracting sight of disco smoke detector. Ooh La Lahed by well designed wall-pump containers of hand wash, shaving cream and lotion above wash basin, more environmentally friendly than samples of soap etc. Spacious shower with similar 3 part pump of shower gel, shampoo and conditioner. Shower gel eventually co-operated after twice giving me the slip. Toilet roll holder on the wall sideways, to the left and slightly behind, provided some entertainment when entertainment not required. Fridge quiet and fresh milk supplied in glad wrapped jug on request. Kitchen up 2 flights of stairs excellent meeting place for guests. Did not try breakfast cafe but looked good. Well stocked tourist info. Efficient pleasant staff.

27 Sep 2015
Tony Martin always delivers entertainment on time, spice just right and filling.

19 Sep 2015
New big barn light and airy Op Shops are relaxing fun. Uniting Care have opened 'Restore' at 1323 Howitt Street Wendouree.
ph 53 396 903 Open Mon - Fri 9.30am - 4.30pm and Sat 9.30am - 1.30pm

18 Sep 2015
Connoisseur Sicilian Blood Orange gourmet icecream is silky lovin' for tongue and taste buds.

12 Sep 2015
Lunakins are a combination of lunatics and munchkins. I was cleaning out my motherpurse and found a bandaide which I had used as a note pad. Rather difficult given the space, but I had made a note.

9 Sep 2015
Ellen isn't really all that famous. Season 13 of Ellen de Generes' tv show started today in our lounge room at 1pm
with no glut of pre-advertising, no popping of streamers and only a little bit of dancing on the front lawn.
Ellen is Fanfare-Free Famous.

8 Sep
Skype is as much fun as Google video chat. Have to remember to open up more windows on the dashboard...oh that reminds me must replace winter air with spring pollen air over the promised sunny weekend.

5 Sep
Prickly Pear is spreading. From the train window I have watched the gradual spread of Prickly Pear over 40 years from Bacchus Marsh to Wallace just outside of Ballarat. It is growing along the raiway cuttings and in patches in some residential backyards.
Is any government department worried, concerned or just a little meh?

4 Sep 2015
Staying at a Motel is wonderful fun. Especially one you have not been to before, like the Amora in Bridge road Richmond.
Except for the possible pitfalls:
Trusting the red pin pointer on the computer map may not be wise. Husband spotto-ed the Motel on the left from the tram window and I thought we had to cross the Yarra first and then head right.
Entering the fashionably darkened street entrance and winding between couches to go up and over a miniature hump in the floaring did not distract from the sudden recollection, as the reception desk loomed, that the registration number - probably quoted when the booking was made some weeks ago - was still safe on a scrap of paper beside the computer at home.
Finding out a $100 security deposit applies 'which will be refunded the next day' tends to bristle up an old rocker's bad habits.
Recognising a portrait of the motel owner, Dr Tanapun Siriphatrawan, as being another graduate of Swinburne University will not automatically lead to enormous discounts.
Using a plastic card to activate the lifts may take 3 tries, then just as you are about to go upppp another few confused people enter lift and try to make the computer inside the lift recognise their cards and room numbers
Having a staff member present checking the mini bar is fully stocked at the same time as you enter the room and deposit your rather worn bags makes for improved Motel ettiquette...much less flopping on bed and pummelling of rather firm pillows. It also rather diminished the impact of the Welcome Mr & Mrs Harrop message on the TV screen
The Motel Remote Control is a force unfathomable. Didn't even have a newspaper to work out what was on. The clock radio seemed to be on the wrong side of the bed as I didn't need more glowing red eyes peering at me in the dark.
The mirrored cupboard only tricked me once as I exited from the bathroom, but husband sucked in air every time he was confronted with the vision of an old man.
The meeting of relatives in the lobby lounge area was comfortable and progressed smoothly with only one old mildly deaf lady slightly irritated by musak so we all talked louder, there not being any other customers to annoy. Young man serving coffee & muffins had to be taught how to be Mother when empty cups and plates were not promptly cleared away.
The relatives went off to meet with friends leaving the oldies to find some chicken and salad for tea before tucking in for the night. Chicken hunt not easy but IGA had some flat bread and dips and we added a McDonalds salad with grilled chicken to that and were full enough. Motel English breakfast tea bags were gigantic material bags which made a lovely cuppa and free biscuits are always extra yummy. Husband had no coffee as he can't stand the long life box of milk usually provided by motels and forgot to buy a little carton of real milk at IGA.
Fridge very well stocked with liquid refreshments, even a thoughtful pair of chilled wine glasses until I yanked open the door to rummage around for a bit more flat bread and dip when one glass launched itself out onto the tiles.
A very quiet comfortable night with not a sound from a passing tram or duck. Even the Motel Fridge, renowned for compulsive hourly start ups, held its peace.
Shower time under the big fixed central outlet was fun - because husband had already worked out the hot/cold ratio - with only mild bumping of elbow on wall and careful dodging of doorstopper on the big step out of the bath was achieved by use of the rail for wrapping horses reins around.
Breakfast at 9 am was very civilised. Husband had to return to room for discount card but all went smoothly after that glitch. I had the best swirled poached eggs ever and little sausages - one jumped from the tongs onto the floor but kind staff cleaned up evidence trail - and bacon and a spoonful of freshly heated baked beans and how about half a grilled tomato for color. Seemed a shame to not try the machine that made pancakes automatically and trial the sachet of jam and just a spoonful of cream all washed down by another special bag of English Breakfst tea. Fortunately there was a toilet block provided on the same floor for over indulgent customers.
Family all full we checked out and continued our chatting in their room. Cuddled together on the balcony for a group selfie and time for more hugs and kisses before catching that convenient tram back to Southern Cross station where I bought a decent overnight bag with birthday money. Although purple it promises to deliver its $20 marked down from $63 worth of value for the next adventure.

26 Aug 2015
A dodgy digestive system will ruin plans for cream filled birthday cake. Rice cakes and vegemite no real substitute.
Even 62 of them neatly stacked.

20 Aug
No more visits from currawong crowd

17 Aug
Currawong birds sing "Noodle up, Noodle up. Grew Eal"
At 5pm this afternoon, I practised counting, stopping at 20 when a large flock of currawongs perched as a crown on the very top of our naked apple tree.
The magpies had come in for some mince which was duely served, when I noticed 2 or 3 other  birds in the yard then another few arrived and settled followed by another dozen and a few stragglers.
The 'daddy' magpie ignored them all until one bold currawong tried to take something from the compost pile
and then it was chase on!
We will see how our backyard populations of sparrow, finch, blackbird, rainbow lorikeet and rosellas deal with these passer-bys
called in from far away by the lonely single bird we have heard all winter.

13 Aug
There is Spring! Over there. It just dodged behind the moss covered tree trunk.
By Friday 18 September it will have arrived in all its chirpy glory because Tony Martin has just announced
Tony Martin: The Arse/Elbow Equation
at the North Melbourne Town Hall, 521 Queensberry street at 9.15 pm most nights from 18 Sep til 3 Oct 2015
Tickets online $25

7 Aug
Green finches darting about the backyard need an air traffic controller.

5 Aug
There is no joy in closely following a famed chef's recipe.
There are phrases such as 'what's passata?'
followed by 'why don't we have some?'
a sprinkling of 'why is this parsley limp?'
and the unanswearble 'do you think this is enough fennel?'
But I will eat and enjoy it all when the time eventually arrives.

4 Aug
All the child actors in "Little Lunch" are delightfully natural.
Each episode triggers my old brain into ping-ponging scenes viewed in the past.
Rory the easily distracted played too easily by Flynn Currie echoes our first paper boy unable to recall the difference between roof and verandah. Tamara the limber played enthusiastically by Olivia Deeble brings to mind somersault sessions on the old fold out couch. Melanie protector of the unicorn acted sweetly by Madison Lu heralds visions of torch and shadow puppet shows. Battie the Stretcho lad acted whimsically by Oisin O'Leary summons ghosts wafting from the dress up box. Atticus brought charmingly to life by Joshua Sitch reminds me of my parental failure with number 3 in demonstrating 'A place for everything and everything in its place'
but Debra-Jo lover of the spelling bee executed with precision by Faith Seci just drags to mind countless hilarious performances by Tony Martin.

1 Aug 2015
Needs must.
I think that old saying means :
"When Juniris needs to watch something on telly and misses out because of joining Sad Sack in potato peeling duties, then it is time for Juniris to learn how to click on Google Chrome, then click on ABC iview, then type 'little' into the search box, then play the latest episode of "Little Lunch."

31 Jul 2015
Winter visitors are bold. Especially those seeking gold. A few dry days blessed them but no luck with the super detector.
25 Jul
Ballarat gastro wears no coat.
Struck down a week after the bearer of tough gastro strain into the house.
A week later relishing food other than chicken soup and looking at new jar of spicy relish with a just you wait eye.
20 Jul
A beautifully formed circle of ice on top of the bird bath is a thing to behold. And poke and play with.
Then offer to the cat to see if it is Dumber than Dumber. Nope. Cats are way smarter.
19 Jul
Relying on the Saturday newspaper inserts for a comforting junk mail read is sometimes reward enough.
Any old ladies looking for a watch - you know ... that sort of timekeeper attached to one's wrist -
(Explanation for those Not Old - in this age of mobile phone reliance for all solutions)
need examine closely the ad in jewelley handout for a leopard print watch,
examine Really Closely, with a magnifying glass maybe and Guess at the time.
If a leopard is close by, it's lunch.
18 Jul
Firewood supply rapidly depleting. Waiting for the temperature to rise above 8 degrees to venture over to Bunnings.
If it hits ten degrees we will be so relieved we won't even consider lighting the fire. The wattle tree is begging to bloom, the hardenbegia has one set of purple flush, the tulips have tentatively poked above ground... if only the air temperature would stop being so bad-Frozen-sister.
17 Jul
The local free paper 'The Miner' is a welcome old fashioned read. This week's edition has my favorite yay story of the year.
Emeritus Professor Peter Hartmann and the University of WA supported by the generosity of the Family Larsson-Rosenquist Foundation have created a world first with an Endowed Chair in Human Lactology.
16 Jul
The phrases 'wayfinding' and 'Zone of influence' are designed to keep one's disgust fresh.
If a new map is installed at the Railway station, one of the type that has a star with 'You are Here,' then the 'wayfinding' to the hospitals should be solved dear Consultants. You are welcome, $10,000 please.
The 'Zone of influence' should be carefully re-rolled and inserted back into the sci-fi language lab then sent blazing over Lake Wendouree.
Town Planning for Ballarat has been dutifully completed by Council over the years
then ignored by various individuals and organisations who have created the traffic jam around the hospitals.
Flying a few red flags that 'rebrand' the area as The Hospital and Educational Precinct, maybe installing a few red footprints in the footpaths or installing a bench seat or two, may have all referring to it as "the pee" but will any problems actually be solved?
8 Jul
A cold winter is inclined to bring forth the bear in us all.
Thank goodness for Netflix to sooth the chillblained soul.
1 July 2015
Balancing the need to protect the environment and employing a lady with a trolley is difficult.
Old man artist delicately cut into a large flat magnetic square to produce an effective No Junk Mail sign
Both old ladies loose, trees win.
8 Jun
Watching Leonard Cohen doing stand up comedy is mind boggling. There should have been warnings for old fans before the screening of "Ladies and Gentlemen: Mr Leonard Cohen" on SBS this windy winter's afternoon. Still readjusting Fan Stance.
3 Jun
Entering the other dimension of the rearranged K-Mart is a challenge to the internal sat nav. And pay in the centre! Heading to the checkout always brought a burst of renewed energy and speed in anticipation of fresh air and one's eyeball's ability to freely dilate in more subtle lighting outside the store.
2 Jun
An intriguing idea for a farewell party - a handerchief afternoon.
Yes I have been troving and found an article re the said festive event. Nothing too Morrisdancing. All very civilized with those to depart being presented with handkerchiefs before the usual party games and eats. No 'Drop the hanky' game or instructions on 'How to make Rabbit Ears' from a handkerchief. No mention of blow and pass on. All very civilized.
2 Jun
The sight of a blue wren hopping and pecking around the shrubbery at the corner of Mair and Errard is enough to cheer any cold old soul. I have never seen such a bright blue color worn so well. His understated brown mate wagged her tail at him encouragingly from the safety of the top of the highest shrub. Does such a sighting indicate a mild winter? 'Our' 5 strong magpie family were across the road ignoring all the fuss and continued poking about in the newly re-grassed lawn at the doctor's surgery. The hunt for juicy white grubs was definitely on.
24 May
Real Estate agents always have a buyer ready and eager to buy your property. From the number of promotional pamphlets dropped in our letterbox over the years I assume there are 100s of weeping customers disappointed with our disregard for their eagerness. A different story from the tears shed when our friends and family advised against our purchase way back in 1977. There was flat land a plenty to build on in Wendouree and bush blocks unlikely to burn for several years at least out at Mt Clear. How could we choose old and run down...indeed I asked myself as the smell of mice wee slapped my nose on opening the front door on moving-in day.
It took 10 years before the Real Estate letters began appearing, cautiously at first then with greater gloss, even photos of houses in the neighborhood the said agent had somehow succesfully sold. There was even the almost personal touch of a seemingly handwritten letter - once fonts became available. However, this weekend has seen a new development in the 'We want your property!' A dear young couple have actually typed up a letter detailing their background - just in case we were interested in their education - and telling us they have admired our garden for years and would we contact them with details of a leasing agreement. I appreciate their initiative and if I were not a cold hearted old wench I would be packing already. What will the next few years bring... Gangster style cards tucked into fence with warnings against non compliance? Will someone break in and change the locks while we are at Aldi? Will we return from a trip to Melbourne to the smell of someone else cooking lasagne in our kitchen whilst a gang of children play on the lawn next to the pool fence gate which of course we will be unable to wrestle open...
23 May
Clear blue skies help bleary eyes. A gardeningathon is today's challenge for those clear plastic surgeon's gloves. Found the French something or other that looks like beetroot shoots. Nearly pulled out the last surviving asian mint. Tossed on to lawn several of last year's kaffir limes that have mysteriously turned bright yellow. Cat ignored even when I yelled mousey, Mousey with each rolling yellow ball. Nothing wrong with that sense of smell. Gloves survived dirt expedition then refused to leave hands at coffee time unless rolled off with flair never to be unrolled of course 100 years in land fill and still immaculate
22 May
When a bank of any type promises a 'few' letters confirming details of changes made, then clear out the snail mail box
and let the avalanche flow free. Of course the content of said letters will be so generic as to not actually reflect your reasons for said changes. Why does a stable financial situation account for nothing when you are female and not recorded as the Primary account holder? Why is there no easy system of helping an adult child purchase a flat? How deep a hole is recommended for the burial of a stash of pennies?
21 May
Waking up at 5 am is very foolish. Cat in laundry hears all. Demands to be let outside. Insists she can hear mice, mice I tells yah let me at em! Even before I open the door, I know she is just sick of holding her breath against the fumes that are tornadoing around the litter box. Today I am the unlucky early riser who has to snap awake and step quickly but carefully with paper towel aplenty in both hands as the aging cat gives a choice of deposits with chuck up and poop roulette
20 May
Taking up the giant sized knitting needles again to make a vest, a very crinkly vest from 2 reels of video tape...
Bill Cosby ... should be good one side, maybe not so good the other
15 May
Should be looking forward to new Mad Max movie. Think I will wander about in the predicted sunshine instead... This year's shove into winter then a weekend's sunny reprieve is a bit waterboard torture
7 May
Looking forward to viewing Lily Tomlin & Jane Fonda on Netflix
6 May 2015
Fortitude damn you Fortitude and your mammoth sucking us in
Slept well after watching the recorded show from a few nights ago, now happily deleted. Always bemusing when a series leaves you wanting them all down a deep deep well.

10 Apr 2015
Taking 25 years to get to the Melbourne Comedy Festival is pretty funny
I gathered the accumulated coins, buttons & pennies from the proceeds of Carriage Way Sales to my bossom and continued my fun at the newly renovated Commonwealth Bank slash after hours snogging booth, playing with the coin counting machine. Without delay we caught the train to Melbourne and saw two acts at the Comedy Festival. Steen Raskopoulos was appreciated at the old people friendly time of 5.45 pm Saturday night. I won that staring competition you cheeky greeky. After a scrumptious pulled (apart) chicken and tub of tabouli stuffed into bread rolls back at the newly renovated but still dear old Vic Motel and an amazingly quiet sleep we were ready for the next act. After a walk along Albert Park beach and an icecream beside the Yarra we easily found a Dymocks and spent more Carriage Way Sales money on Bob Franklin's Moving Tigers. Later on, former TISM - This Is Serious Mum -  member, Damien Cowell's Hara-Karaoke was also excellent entertainment and superbly convenient at 5pm on Sunday evening.

24 Mar 2015
Netflix is the new white light
We added to the breath-taking number of Australians who chose the new way of spending time in front of the box
Ooh Kevin Spacey's talking directly at me. But why is he married to a Jamie Lee Curtis type perfect woman - who probably was once a man - for heavens sake look at those shoulders and that chin line and what is going on with her throat...Oops...googled the actress and Robin Wright has had 2 children with Sean Penn...mmm...there is indeed a perfect woman who was never once a man.

Thurs 30 Apr Carriage Way Sales
Blue balls clack
30+ fem pregnant with 3 yr old been to visit Pappy bought plastic snappy toy, gave them free pirate pop-up book
Yousef, Darin on way to hospital
50+ fem bought grey wool jumper $4. I had stopped her in her tracks with 'Oh please don't pass me by' Must try singing that line in a Leonard Cohen tone
40+ fem & 20+ fem Garage Sales Enthusiasts, bought home-made color filled woollen vest $1
Yousef back, forgot laptop charger thingy
20+ fem pulling along luggage to train along footpath
20+ fem wearing green & brown parked in front of stall, then walked around back of car to wander across street
20+ fem pulling luggage along bike path then detoured down rough lane way on way to train
30+ fem x2 one pregnant moo-cowed across street
80+ fem slight in stature and slowly stepping up to footpath. I said 'you made it across' she said she was going to an appointment.
I suppose if she doesn't consider it important to cross at the roundabout intersection 20 steps away or the traffic lights half a block away, by age 80 then there will be yet another gar-bag situation for me one day
20+ fem wearing pink tights
70+ fem Judy finished her volunteer shift
50+ fem carrying documents on her way to a meeting
60+ fem may have seen before, also volunteers. Bought little cherub covered carboard treasure chest $2 then we both spotted the original price tag of $1 on the base, so I gave her a free magazine
40+ male 'Nice day for it' looked at magnetic tangram puzzle
40+ fem x 2 'If you pause & peruse you will get a free magazine'
50+ fem short white hair red sedan 'you Might get a free magazine if you stop'
30+ fem pregnant due July, grandma & 2 yr old in pram. Gave square board books in a little gold contact covered box
20+ wearing green & brown with an Irish accent returned and bought brown cotton short sleeved cardigan $3 liked 'baby tears' plant but thought it might die in car
While I was inside having cuppa a 70+ male may have left $2 in honesty tin for a book, or I may have miscounted the float
40+ male fluro jacket 'another ripper day' while I was entertaining myself listening to the echo created from the 'most annoying toy of the 1980s' the clacky blue balls
30+ fem gave me her usual grimace but I wasn't quick enough to offer the purple namesake toy
Ashlea & Matt gave them the elephant puzzle to trick Yousef
Neighbor walking last old brown dog
50+ fem returned from her meeting 'Documents shredded. Mission accomplished'
30+ fem Indian bought zip up black jacket & grey cardigan $4. Asked if I had any size 4 children's clothes
The fresh young Australian actor, Tim Harris visited. Saw his latest acting work - a superbly acted performance - for Salvation Army Red Shield Appeal 2015 for the homeless.
Tim bought a dvd and gave him blue balls and a troll doll
30+ fem & grandma & a little Lottie. Gave them 3 little board books
50+ fem & greyhound dog with own plastic pick up bag
Political Advisor off to supermarket

Wed 29 Apr Carriage Way Sales
Sunny weather predictions usually come after you have packed everything away
Not windy so I hung up plastic record cover display poster from
70+ male said 'Nice sunny spot'
30+ male with lunch pack 'will on my way back'
50+ optometrist said hello
30+ male hospital worker stopped to look at 'the ugliest key ring in the world'
80+ male shifted from Shepparton to Ballarat visiting ex wife in hospital. Gave him a crisp new children's handkerchief to ask if she knew how to fold it into Peter Rabbit ears
50+ male asked if I had old cds of music from 1930s & 1940s. I haven't even started to sort through the stacks
50+ fem heading to hospital 'Always such a drama with him' bought 3 dvds
60+ fem out for first exercising walk since mastectomy. Gave her Dilbert book
30+ male gayly announced 'I'm late, sorry'

Sat 18 Apr Carriage Way Sales
Molly was a good neighbor and her plant with a pink spear that produces a tassle of little flowers is a lovely memory
20+ male shy but has spoken once. Will give him a free dvd if he returns
30+ male woollen hat & sunglasses bought Molly's good neighbor plant $1 with several mizuna salad sprouts
40+ male tall lanky parked a fancy silver jeep and said 'I'll be back'
30+ males x2 setting up house had bought a lounge suit that one of them was going to repair. I offered them a quality wooden stool but they needed more essential items first
30+ fem size 10-12 bought kilt & scarf & taupe cardigan $4
60+ couple pulled in across the road empty trailer attached and a mate in the driver's seat. Disappointed they had driven in to buy an advertised vehicle but it was not roadworthy. Bought Japanese wind flower $4 and I gave them free self-sproutings of sweet william. Needed pollen flowers for her bees. Forgot to offer sweet pea seeds.
30+ father with 2 yr old in pram & big boofy dog
30+ couple who live down there and far away bought Dragon Tattoo series of books & dvds and one other dvd so I gave them Bullshot for free
MikenMal zipped past on bikes and yelled promises of returning another day

Thurs 16 Apr Carriage Way Sales
Having flowering violets on display means that many German mothers-in-law are weeping
60+ male Political Advisor
80+ fem 'Bet Bet' & 60+ son have moved from Sale to Ballarat and live up near current Showgrounds. Bought broaches and I gave her a little leather bag. Son jokingly asked if all my treasures were 'hot' and I described the sad process of buying items over many years to maybe set up my own little business, then suddenly realising I was 60 and it was never going to happen. He said violets were considered mother-in-law's tears by the Germans.

Wed 15 Apr Carriage Way Sales
Matching a renovator to the appropriate house is in the hands of a higher power
50+ male on motorised scooter was an engineer bought little leather drawstring bag, several dvds & thick biros
50+ male hospital worker wife likes pale green and thought hippie skirt c 1975 on display may have been a top, bought books
60+ male bandaged nose from removal & skin graft working on renovations to 2 properties in area
30+ male physio student looked at Red Meat book
30+ fem hospital worker white van - ute parked in front of our house. I said ' you must have time to have a little look' She replied 'No'
50+ fem Fijian likes the Japanese Wind flowers. I showed her the $4 pot but no sale. I will pot up some smaller ones
40+ fem & Harry 6 yrs returned for the special sand set aside for them in a storage tub with lid also bought wooden transport block puzzle & Hoola hoop book. I gave him a free rainbow pencil & pad
40+ fem parked in little red car opposite and came over for a good look
50+ Ex Librarian's clerk bought the good ground cover with a white flower & I gave her a cutting of rose scented geranium
15+ males x3 I gave them a Big 'Hello Young Ones'

Mon 6 Apr Carriage Way Sales
Easter doesn't finish until all the chocolate is eaten
40+ couple in white ute parked across road. Missed them as I was bringing stuff out
50+ fem with cute brindle dog had walked from Wendouree for exercise
50+ fem parked on fire hydrant looked for size 34 pants for husband
Bike mother stopped for a chat. Having bathroom renovated by Peter Whitehead and very pleased with punctuality and progress.
16+ males said hello and laughed about not having money
30+ couple out for a walk
50+ fem musician will be playing outside Civic Hall then over to Bendigo
50+ fem x2 return customers. I said books would be $1 for them but they insisted on giving more

Sat 4 Apr Carriage Way Sales
It isn't useful if it isn't used
40+ fem with rescue dog bought dvds and green cotton scarf
40+ fem local always admires garden and will return one day for pot plants
Neighbor waiting on visitors
40+ fem blonde dark green car bought kitten t-shirt and white poncho with tassles
40+ fem larger size has teenage children doing a Uni placement
70+ fem size 10 heading to bank and may return for white crotched top c 1975
80+ fem first great grandchild due thought my display head would be useful as she does costumes for plays
Marty introduced himself as a painter renovator

Thurs 2 Apr Carriage Way Sales
So much to be done before a rabbit arrives
50+ fem wanted to know how to get past my barricade to pick up her new teeth. I redirected her to South address
Kathryn from yesterday
80+ male on mobile scooter used to repair watches

Wed 1 April Carriage Way Sales
The Temptation of April Fool's Day is not easily avoided
30+ fem walking around the streets for exercise rather than around the windy lake
70+ fem pretty pink hair bought the unusual daisy cutting said it was an African daisy as she had another one in a different color
GOM from pathology car
40+ fem something in eye so back to Cas for another 4 hour wait
40+ fem had wandered across road was helping students hand out Easter eggs to patients
Judy doing food delivery
25+ fem x2 trainee docs Maggie & Kathryn bought dvd and I gave them a free magnet. Talked about the history of Dunvegan House

Tues 31 Mar Carriage Way Sales
Watching Last Walking Dead season 5 very satisfying
70+ couple visiting hospital
70+ couple & 2 grand daughters bought homemade sewing kit to make doll's clothes with material scraps, buttons, elastic, cotton, needles also little paper squares to make paper cranes
20+ fem carer pushing disabled patient looking for appointment address so I stopped a passing free parker and she gave directions
Ginger strode straight past
40+ fem lives locally bought knitting book for daughters and I gave her a rainbow pencil. Discussed the Embroiders Club held at the Bridge Club corner of Eyre and Pleasant streets
Dennis had a chat
MikenMal - Mal talked about stuff. Mike working 7am til 5pm.
20+ male had a nano second look at dvds
Drummond street skaterboarder waved
ExLibrarian's clerk bought 2 little black flowery tins
Creswick lady looked and chatted with others who happened to stop at same time
50+ fem bought wooden Porky Pig puzzle
Builders or renovators across road gave me a wave
40+ couple with skip dog - put down 3, carry 1 -  had a look over fence at garden

Mon 30 Mar Carriage Way Sales
Butterflies should be free
25+ Asian Nigel gave him my webpage info and the address of E'Bon hairdresser in Talbot street
Gayle would have bought a white t-shirt with a kitten print if it had had butterflies not a kitten. Wonder if I can print one with a kitten munching on butterflies
Nigel returned, no haircut asked if I had Christian books then wandered off across road. Will find Everything a Teenage boy needs to know c 1965 hiding somewhere on the bookshelf
During tea time someone put $3 in honesty tin, probably for a dvd

Sun 29 Mar Carriage Way Sales
Any Thing can be replaced
Simon returned one shirt and gave me several figurines for my Stall
60+ fem carer & 30+ fem who was 'non-verbal' Gave poker rules book
40+ fem lives in neighborhood
70+ fem strong accent maybe German said she had bought 2 dvds from me and one didn't work. I was very surprised and begged her to bring them back and I would exchange them or give her money back.
40+ male from Horsham sells statues
50+ fem already loaded up and overheated as not many buses on Sundays bought Simon's Indian statue and my Duckula, refused offer of water, nearly home
Gayle told story of an old woman who advertised succulents for sale so she bought $20 worth
30+ fem German rents up Havelock street. Liked cactus plant but couldn't carry it with Library books already heavy
40+ male and daughter return customer who had bought military buttons, wants me to find my old bag of 2 and 1 cent coins
40+ male x2 and fem x2  bought new unwanted Xmas moccies, winter hat, jewellery and toy stamps
40+ male & family asked story of home purchase. Gave children toys and daughter asked for Simon's Krishna as she thought it looked like a fairy
40+ fem Chinese only been in Ballarat 1 month, speaks English hesitatingly but well. Didn't accept free notepad
30+ male Andrew who I'd enthusiastically met 3 times before

Sat 28 Mar
"Kiss me Kate" sells itself
Family pushing granny bought several items and we all had a good time chatting about stuff
18+ male shy heading to Subway for lunch. Forced him to stop and chat.
Neighbors said they were off to learn French for 5 weeks. Gave the youngest aeroplane book
30+ fem needed ground cover for dam
50+ fem gold sedan bought 'Kiss me Kate' and pyrethium daisy

Sat 21 Mar Carriage Way Sales
Homemade petticoats should solve the issue of short school uniforms
40+ couple collect shot glasses had a look
30+ fem dark green sedan on the way to Village bought dvd
40+ male been to Bunnings but was now procrastinating
Mat finished shift
40+ fem with rescue dog bought a ring and a black & white summer top

Fri 20 Mar Carriage Way Sales
Home grown tomatoes help
Yousef finished shift
Mat finished shift, gave him homegrown tomatoes in paper bag for lunch
20+ fem x 2 bought dvds and jewellery
20+ male with black pug doggie his mum Karen is renting in the area
30+ male with Terrance Stamp eyes said he was on medication and can't focus too well. Used to be our paperboy so I presented him with a Thai style ring for being the most accurate paperboy Ever.
Political Advisor

Wed 18 Mar Carriage Way Sales
Return customers do not always equal paying customers
70+ male looked at child's t-shirt for grandson but would have to consult with wife. I showed him the Trains of Australia book that I had managed to locate, but he said it was one he already had.
70+ fem Italian used to live in area, now visiting daughter and walking back to Mt Pleasant
Yousef had a quick chat
25+ male has disc in back issues, was a cleaner, now back at Uni

Tues 17 Mar Carriage Way Sales
The wind will always win
Stuart bought an Agatha Christie book and a dvd

Sun 15 Mar Carriage Way Sales
Always have a plastic bag on standby
50+ male with a boofy dog who parked a stool where it couldn't be ignored, accepted my offer of a plastic bag
Gayle nodded

Sat 14 Mar Carriage Way Sales
Books do not a bookshop make
40+ male & family bought a combination lock, gave free necklace to mother
40+ fem walking dog, returned in car for a dvd
70+ male & 50+ fem bought 1960s book, wanted any Bryce Courtney, 'Tommo and the Hawk'
40+ male bought NZ pewter jug and bowl set
Foxy returned to show off new K-Mart pants and to check out red kimono, has a croaky voice infection or cold

Thurs 12 Mar Carriage Way Sales
People's need to text others can improve sales
50+ fem used to live in area now visiting brother, texted him about my stall. Bought books and Mad magazines. Gave her a homemade patchwork shopping bag when purchases exceeded her backpack capacity
Gave Simon 2 shirts
50+ male x 2 said wives had texted them about stall. Bought books
40+ male Andrew long plait. We both agreed little pearl bracelet found on road was priceless. Owes $1 for book about Panic
30+ fem from Loch Avenue talked about historical homes and guided tours, bought dvds gave her magazine
30+ male swerved in to park hastily across the road hurried over to stall asked if there was anything pottery for a present, left.
30+ fem return customer bought dvds
60+ fem short size 12 liked blue & white striped summer shirt, will come back
MikenMal - Mal Not enough people enrolled in plumbing course won't start til June. Needs glassie work at Pub. Gave him a free dvd
30+ couple bought dvds gave them free baby book and toys
Matt trainee doc rotating over from Surgical to something or other way around, friend doing Mental Health

Tues 10 Mar Carriage Way Sales
Money not spent on Long Weekend may be spent at Stall
Edward bought gold-ish metal circles belt
60+ fem studied Middle English at Uni bought a cactus & succulents
40+ male with gout & 40+ fem & 15+ daughter had a good look and chat
70+ male Michael and wife bought old tools and some size 18 clothing
30+ male Indian blue bike had a degree in India but retrained in Australia bought big book of Australian stories about bush fires
60+ fem known for 30 years had a cyst removed from hand
Darin & Elise trainee docs Gave her a mini compass - so she won't loose her way
12+ male Gave him 2 little stampers and a free note pad
40+ fem from around t'other corner bought Knitting Nancy and extra crotchet needles, wool and a joke book

Sun 8 Mar Carriage Way Sales
20+ fem needed straw hat with gold ribbon trim
30+ male Indian blue bike bought $1 book c1950 on Marriage for wife

Sat Mar 7 Carriage Way Sales
Is a bargain a bargain in the long term?
12 + male x 2 live 'around here' interested in Mad magazines but had left when I returned from inside
Gayle tired from early shift
70+ fem and daughter had a quick chat
60+ grandmother with 2 yr old in pusher 'no money on me'
30+ fem blonde hospital worker parked in dark green sedan
Young family with boxer dog
40+ mother and 10 yr old son
40+ fem parked her silver sedan and I said 'Thank you for stopping to look at my stall' but she didn't
40+ fem with bassett hound
60+ fem Irish, although I had thought her accent Scottish, only paid $2 for 'Kiss me Kate' plant. Likes Japanese wind flower so I will pot her up some and charge $4
30+ male Indian hospital worker on his new blue bike bought some 'Kiss me Kate' and I will pot him up some ferns for free
50+ fem exLibrarian clerk been out shopping for new mattress
40+ fem & 8 yr old in ballet skirt & roller runners

Thurs Mar 5 Carriage Way Sales
We are all volunteers in one way or another
70+ fem Judy used to live up the road from Kergunyah now lives in area. Volunteers at hospital on Thursdays
60+ fem lives up the road pushing quiet grandchild Lewis along in pram. Gave him a coloring in pad. His dad was a quiet little fellow
30+ fem had a good look. Said her friend would like 1980s beautiful Prue Acton blue coat with stud-on long sleeves, decorated with patterns of silk, silver strips and suede, bought years ago for $10 from Joyce Quiddington at Joyce's Junkatique in Main road.
35+ African couple wife pregnant and husband very kind and attentive, been in Ballarat 4 years need childcare places
60+ fem x 2 bought wiggly giggly biro with refills and batteries included
70+ couple visiting elderly neighbor in hospital took her her own flowers, bought Morressy book
30+ fem Indian surprised when I pronounced name correctly Havir bought toys for little one

Tues Mar 3 Carriage Way Sales
Set asides often mean stay aside
Had record covers in plastic insert swinging in the wind for an hour but too windy
Put out rose scented geranium cuttings and ribbon or spider plant. Folded a pile of clothes on table
50+ fem who often walks past had a look
40+ fem Gayle gelled hair style looked but no purchase
50+ Edward bought mini spirograph set in an old jewellery box, gave free crayons
40+ fem little white car collects stamps for nieces, gave her some and she insisted on putting money into honesty tin. I will look for our old stamp collection and ones I had set aside for my brother's charity group and set them aside for her return. Found them later.
50+ fem short size 14 hospital cleaner needs a black or navy blue cardigan, set aside a dvd for her while she went to car
50+ fem Creswick bought rose scented geraniums and spider or ribbon plant
15+ males one with dreadlocks I made them laugh with a cheery 'Hello my Lovelies'

Sun March 1 Carriage Way Sales
When a clothes horse and table are not enough, swap over to two tables
30+ fem just filling in her Sunday asked if I made jewellery
70+ male told me a long involved story about a disadvantaged youth then asked if I sold facewashers
50+ fem and 6 yr old in a Spiderman t-shirt bought plastic spider badge and several other items
50+ fem return customer now known as Foxy who had bought Aztec patterned pants
60+ male been to camping show, wife in hospital bought all clip on earrings
50+ fem with daughter waiting in car bought several items including new negligees c 1975
40+ fem wanted to buy the plastic display head used for demonstrating how to wear a sun hat
40+ male and children on bikes from down south just wanted a look at everything

Sat Feb 28 Carriage Way Sales
Locals don't always mean long pockets
50+ couple bought men's shorts
Family group with adult sons had a good look. Mum a bit too short for skeleton dress up
40+ male balding laughed when I said 'Please stop and look at all the lovely rubbish'
50+ grandmother with little swimmer bought 3 brightly colored dinosaurs and a cactus plant
15+ fem & 2 males laughed at 'It's the fight off between Tyranusaurus Rex vs...'
Bike riding family
50+ couple and daughter and dogs live in neighborhood but no cash
50+ fem came to shift cars around as her male friend is in hospital
30+ fem hospital worker with shaved reverse mullet hair style
50+ fem rang her husband to check if he had already seen my stall
Called magpies in and fed them on front lawn
Local family heading to a BBQ, I gave them magnetic car toy
50+ fem recognised me from years past and pulled in for a chat

Sat Feb 21 Carriage Way Sales
A proper Garage Sale in area is good for sales
40+ African couple bought dress ups and many knick knacks
50+ male who wears khaki shorts is selling his home further up the road bought Agatha Christie
70+ couple bought items and I gave them clear plastic house shaped money box for grandchild

Fri Feb 20 Carriage Way Sales
5 o'clock on Friday is Grumpy Time
20+ fem x3 very snooty
20+ couple with him wheeling bike
30+ fem lugging 4 plastic bags of food
Ashlea heading to Geelong for weekend
20+ fem 'On a mission' with car keys in hand
60+ male with a classic grumpy 1950s face
30+ male works in finance at hospital
12+ fem & 8+ male on scooters
60+ fem who always tries so hard to avoid eye contact she wobbles out onto nature strip
30+ fem with 2 little ones and a big pawed inquisitive dog
Old Hippy now known as Edward
50+ fem asked 'Are you selling much?' Knowing that she wants to off-load her own stuff, I replied 'Most ignore me, very unchristian'
50+ male in khaki work shorts went past then returned in 20 mins, probably a local
40+ fem helping neighbor clean up house and yard

Thurs Feb 19 Carriage Way Sales
Spaces can be used for activities other than that for which they were designed
40+ male returning home after using free wi-fi at local coffee place
50+ fem x2 and 2 dogs Been walking dogs at Cemetery. Bought 'Sayings of the rich and famous'
40+ fem on crutches had a smoko break while sitting on neighbor's low fence then wandered across road to an appointment
50+ fem & dau had a good rumage through clothing in basket, then chatted to someone they knew who was passing and munching on his salad roll. Had an appointment. Did not purchase a thing
30+ male Eddie was taking a deliciously light orange chiffon cake to hospital to celebrate Chinese Year of the Goat
70+ fem short Had been to dentist and physio appointments. Had parked next to Fire Plug right on the corner.
Neighbor shifting furniture to backyard
70+ male Looked at Casino Royale dvd then said he remembered the original. Asked if I had any cryptic crosswords, but not ones already half done
60+ fem remember me from a party years ago. Updated on family and bought 'Green eggs and ham' for grandson, gave her free activity pad. Asked if there was a Darcy in the neighborhood.
80+ fem dressed in purple asked her if she knew a Darcy but she has only been in area a short while
30+ fem 2 little ones Gave her one of the multiple copies of pop up pirate book
70+ male entertaining little Molly while her mother was at dentist. Gave her the Humpty Dumpty book and told her she could read.
Megan picked up dvds
16+ NBN worker heading home so I gave him a computer joke book c 1990 explained it was an historical document
50+ fem and rude 15+ son red sedan parked all day in street nothing in the space between ears

Wed Feb 18 Carriage Way Sales
Trotting is the pace to go on Tuesday
20+ male another Nazareth House worker
40+ fem wandered diagonally across the road and announced she was on the way to another appointment
Neighbor minding grandchildren with one having found 20 cents on footpath
20+ fem hospital worker trotting along
50+ male with glasses sternly trotting
Megan asked me to set aside 2 dvds until she had cash
80+ couple asked if I had any train books. Bought children's book on machines
50+ male belly t-shirt exercising trotting along efficiently

Mon Feb 16 Carriage Way Sales
Monday is a got to keep going day
70+ fem white curls visiting hospital 'Will have a look on the way back'
Narareth House worker bought an Agatha Christie book and asked me to keep a dollar in advance of next time's purchase
60+ fem and 2 yr old grandson off to visit Granny at Nazareth House, no money
20+ male and 5yr old son carefully holding 2 spiney seed pods said 'I go to school'
60+ neighbor from up road said he was doing 'Odds and sods'
60+ fem who I taught with years ago filled me in on her grown family and grandchildren. We compared notes about inappropriate development in historical neighborhoods
30 + mother with 3 yr old I said 'Fancy a shop in the street'
A little red car with 3 elderly passengers pulled alongside our driveway and all had a good look out their windows at the 'Drive past Carriage Way Sales'
50+ male in work shorts said 'Got to keep going'
70+ fem said her friend who parks here told her about my stall. Bought t-shirt and beads
40+ fem Sandra used to work near old YMCA when I was there, talked about life and I gave her some hollyhock seeds and she bought an activity book
50+ ex Librarian's clerk bought book
20+ fem size 16 I gave her black sequin top and she said she would return after payday for the blue chiffon long dress
20+ male undecided or shy, I should have introduced him to 20+ fem
40+ mother with daughter and son with arm in sling. I gave him a monster stamp
40+ fem 'In a rush to get me car'
50+ fem from Creswick bought some beads. I told her I would put out some pot plants next week
30+ male eating apple said he wasn't a trainee doc but worked in finance. I asked him if any staff were using the new multi-storied car park as it is open now. He didn't think so as he still parks up Mill street.
30+ male taxi driver 'Just having a squiz'
50+ fem friend thinking of selling up and shifting back to Carlton. Oh to be back in South Yarra again...

Sun Feb 15 Carriage Way Sales
Out all afternoon and only sold a model aeroplane kit for $2

Sat Feb 14 2015 Carriage Way Sales
Valentines Day equals double the number of lost and lonely
60+ fem wanted to take a photo of me for her Blog. Of course she didn't want to buy anything, just impress her friends with her busy Saturday. The whole concept gave me the diarrheoa. Truth.
40+ male walking up laneway talking to himself or the box of juice he was drinking. I said Hello, but it did not register. At All.
50+ fem lives Creswick Road chatted about outside blinds and bought several items of bigger lady clothing, particularly the forgiving pair of aztec print pants.
50+ fem x2 bought McInerny book kept for a while for Mr who knew Willessee
50+ fem who used to live in the area bought a dress up kilt & jacket. Gave her sweet pea and hollyhock seeds
30+ fem in Rock n Roll dress up bought a dvd and I gave her a mini magnetic snakes and ladders game for 7 year old
50+ male overweight out jogging
40+ male out walking with headphones. I pointed to caveman dress up and he assured me he would be back with cash
60+ fem frustrated because she didn't have her glasses with her to check out my book titles
30+ Male Maori from Beer Festival day with his wife out for a walk

Thurs Feb 12 2015 Carriage Way Sales
Dress ups don't always inspire thoughts of parties
Hung up orange & black Spanish tap dancing dress
50+ fem hospital worker hurrying 'Accreditation Day...have to follow the Rules'
60+ neighbor from around the corner
20+ Male with a shoulder bag said 'Have a nice day'
40+ male bleached blonde and tatts has dreams of flying in Superman suit with fairy wings.
I gave him a free note pad and plastic love heart
30+ male in fluro vest hurrying for the bus
40+ fem 'Got an appointment thanks'
25+ med students Amy & Jason with takeaway coffees
18+ male NBN worker rushing off on a message
40+ male from Traralgon restores jukeboxes asked if I  had any old ep records. I found the couple we still have later on
60+ male looked at 'golden' broach and said 'suppose it's gold?' and I said 'and only $2'
30+ fem with pram & 4yr old on scooter 'We're right thank you'
60+ fem with 15+ male parked in red sedan
30+ blonde plaits 'Heidi' I said G'Day and she said Hey
Megan stopped a fellow worker and she bought several items
50+ male likes Weeg posters looked through dvds and at plastic piggybank house
50+ fem bought Thorn Birds & Bridget Jones Diary
30+ fem said she already had a cat when I indicated our inquisitive old furball lounging on the nature strip
25+ male young docs Darin & Yousef renting with Ashlea around the corner. Gave them a free present each

Tues Feb 3 2015 Carriage Way Sales
Keeping an eye out doesn't hurt
Nazareth House regular bought book
25+ male 'Ginger' goes home for lunch or for a smoko in car
25+ fem Asian young doc from Geelong renting over the fence needs a lounge suite
25+ male young doc 'late for work'
70+ male Italian 'But I have a shirt'
25+ couple yelling at each other as they walked along. I asked 'Not happy?' 'All happy here' the male instantly replied
Personal Political Advisor confirmed I had reacall of yesterday's discussion
60+ male with paperwork in hand chatted about hernia op then bought Mad magazines
Mal of MikenMal had bought a new cd 'D12 World' (I googled it tried to remember some lyrics for next week...'steal yer mumma's jeep and crash it in the street and something about popping purple pills) Mal may do a plumbing course. I gave him a freshly washed and stretched hat for Mike
20+ male stopped and group chatted was doing the cryptic crossword while heading home for Centrelink catchup
50+ fem & 20+ dau & bulldog 'Grandma is a reader'
25+ fem & 5 yr old son bought a cat ball inside a Daffy Duck tin
Gave Political Advisor a politician's Lymerick book c 1975
Many hospital workers passed by

Fri Jan 30 Carriage Way Sales
Some days it rains money
40+ male with Daryl on his shirt bought several bits of jewellery
60+ couple on the way to coffee bought 2 books
MikenMal walking down the street. Mal needs a large sized broad brimmed hat.
Personal Political Advisor had a consultation
40+ male with a backpack said he has too many books and already has 'Lemony Snickett'
20+ fem mum with 2 under 2 in pram
20+ fem parked opposite left car which was then inspected by 2 males, I assume for sale
40+ male and shy 25+ male bought 'Gone with the wind'
40+ fem may have been a worker at Narareth House bought several items of clothing
60+ fem & 30+ dau possibly German accents talked about changes in the historical neighborhood. Dad over was at Dentist so I talked about people who pull down old houses and replace them with imitations
Neighbor from Mill street
40+ couple heading to Swan Hill bought a yo yo
50+ couple Scottish tourists looking for the lake
40+ fem Indian on phone but stopped chatting and bought a book
several hospital workers passed by wrapped in cloaks of invisibility
30+ male moo-crossed road even though he had a limp
50+ fem Janet bought 3 books
30+ fem repeat customer Megan bought dvds
14+ male lives around corner bought a dvd because he won a bet at school and had cash
80+ fem 'Daughter will kill me if I buy more stuff'

Tues Jan 27 Carriage Way Sales
Chatting increases friendship but not necessarily sales
70+ male on mobile scooter been to hospital for the usual tests
30+ male Asian trainee doctor was not tempted by the spider
70+ fem x2 from Queensland, shivering, visiting husband in hospital
40+ male gold prospector showed me his latest find
40+ male hospital worker looked at dvds & books
16+ male x3 doing summer classes, no cash, gave one a free balloon
20+ male x2 Asian have to pick up something will chat on the way back
MikenMal on bikes heading to Headspace
Narareth House worker bought dvds & Garfield, arrived at same time as Mill street neighbor, so I introduced them
80+ fem visiting Nazareth House 'He's gone a know'
60+ couple 'she would (stop and look) but not him'
30+ fem blonde plaits 'Heidi'
40+ fem gelled hair fancy car 'No cat no time to read. God love you. You should sell tea and cakes'
30+ fem Asian dau just reading novels. I suggested 'Funny Stories'
16+ male big lad with a skateboard so I suggested a demo 'I can't do it'

Mon Jan 26 Carriage Way Sales
Having an Australia Day theme doesn't necessarily increase sales
30+ fem hospital worker 'No, on my way to work'
40+ male & 2 fem tourists heading to Airport 'You have a lovely garden. You should have cuttings.'
60+ grandma Her daughter due but has a liver condition that causes itching. Discussed options and I explained my own experiences. She bought a toy set that conveniently stores in an old video box and an activity pad for big sister.
50+ hospital worker in clippy cloppy shoes asked if I had been selling much...wants to off-load her own stuff
50+ male and 20+ fem hospital workers yelled out at a friend mowing the lawn across the street.
Mum and son bike riding all smiles
50+ male chunky totally ignored me
50+ male and family Gave dau a plastic toy camera and posed for her to take snaps, bought hat, red floral 'surfing santa' shirt & cards
50+ fem had parked her car in readiness for fireworks tonight as her mother is 90+
Friend looked through old high school reads c 1968, collected from op shops and re-read for fun. Bought a Patrick White and wanted me to keep a look out for Proust. I said I might have a Gorky and the conversation ended there
Red sedan car with sun roof pulled in front of stall then proceeded to talk on phone
20+ fem jogger
15+ fem dog walker
40+ fem from Creswick bought items for 6 yr old grandson and earrings

Sat Jan 24 Carriage Way Sales
Beer Festival beats Carriage Way Sales
60+ couple out for an exercising walk
Mike of MikenMal on bike
Young friends from Melbourne heading to Beer Festival dropped in for a coffee and catchup. Matt will be doing training at hospital
30+ male Maori heading to Beer Festival
Family from out of town heading to Beer Festival only stopped when youngest announced "What! We're not going to buy Anything!' Gave them a free pack of cards and they bought an activity book and the 'Action packed fun' spring
70+ fem Not going to Beer Festival bought white & pink granny hat for 94 year old friend, books, beaded 1920s style hair piece and a couple of dvds
40+ female local who works with horses may return another day
Friend dropped by and reminded us that the horse drawn tram was operating soon at the Gardens
20+ fem hospital worker agreed with my passing comment 'Who works on a Saturday...Only the lost and lonely'
20+ male knocking on a couple of doors across the road for no particular reason
30+ male Maori back from Beer Festival 'All good'
15+ males x3 heading out for snacks and not the Beer Festival
40+ fem backed up in ute quickly looked at toys said there was a baby on the way then headed off probably not to Beer Festival

Fri Jan 23 2015 Carriage Way Sales
Only white dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun
50+ fem has had a cat and a dog and doesn't need a cat ball
30+ male with white dog going to pick up mum from hospital
70+ fem had seen my stall before and looked for 3 seconds before announcing she only read books on child abuse then left
70+ male carrying cable likes ww2 and biographies
30+ male with dog off leash bought hat with authentic paint splatter
50+ female volunteers at private hospital bookshop, implyed my books belonged there. Actually Doing Something Christian.
Postman spotted fake spider on shirt pocket and wanted to know how many people had been tricked. Only those who forgot their glasses along with their ability to reason.
60+ female greatgrandmother on mobile scooter liked Enid Blyton big book
Had a break inside to watch 'The Walking Dead'
50+ female and 50+ male visitor 'he forgot his hat' and fortunately one was available
20+ female hospital worker actually said hello
20+ female said I was a good lady to keep doing it, but was not inspired to buy the 'action packed fun' science spring
30+ male eating apple
40+ male was disappointed I had no 'blowing stuff up' dvds
40+ female asked 'Will you be here next week?'

Thurs Jan 22 2015 Carriage Way Sales
Humidity continues to bring on the troppos
Older female with wheely walker bought an icecream parfait glass to put flowers in at cemetery
30+ male eating an apple
70+ male wife having chemo, got enough books and stuff at home
50+ grandmother looked at all ideas for entertaining little ones and purchased nil
70+ male confused me by asking if I had any restricted dvds for sale then asked for dear little clear toy box which would 'do' for his hose fittings so I said it was $8 to an adult and $2 for a child. Who left looking confused then eh?
40+ male hospital worker came down especially during his break, happy with 'Jeff who still lives at home'
70+ couple seen before. He rubbed his bald spot ruefully as they went past as he didn't have a hat on
50+ male hospital worker spouted the worst line in summer 'Hot enough for you?' and continued walking
30+ male trainee doctor laughed at me shaking a little tin with a ping pong ball enclosed, spruiking 'Cat balls. Very rare Cat balls'

Wed Jan 21 2015 Carriage Way Sales
You sometimes gain more knowledge of self in humid conditions
Political Advisor and housekeeper paused briefly on an errand
50+ female Civic Hall campaigner, returned to collect items set aside as well as a big floppy strawish hat
50+ male having cancer treatment selected several books
Neighbors selling up, called around to kill time during a house inspection
Wearing a Zorro party mask and saying 'you can't see me now' did not increase sales
Advised by Community radio volunteer to have books by Dibdin, Nesbo, Sykey and Tom Franklin

Tues Jan 20 2015 Carriage Way Sales
You sometimes gain more knowledge of human nature than anticipated
60+ neighbor from up the road, who I always thought was the father of Fiona taught at Pleasant street years ago, passed by comfortable in his 'new' identity
50+ Grumpy Old Man hospital worker frumped past
15+ male sped past on bike no helmet and no time for my award nominated lecture
60+ GOM took my 'customer spot' then bought the cheapest thing he could find.
70+ male Irish didn't have cash for McInerny book, told me he used to live next door to Michael Willessee in Sydney
40+ female eating apple agreed many doctors were back this week from holidays, bought earrings & a plastic snappy mouth
40+ female smoker of Romanian descent from Daylesford relieved that nothing showed up on latest tests
30+ male doctor in training did not want to thrash the others playing cards... even with a full deck
Older Scottish female with 2 brown dogs had previously put coins in honesty tin
15+ females x 5 rowers
60+ male who had moo-cowed his way diagonally across the busy road sheepishly muttered 'have to have your wits about you' and I didn't have a spare box of those.
50+ male hospital worker winked when I asked if he had time to stop and look at the goods. Must stop wearing see through blouse.
50+ female with drawn on eyebrows said she thought someone had hung washing out on fence. My clothing display isn't even damp.
Nazareth House worker bought little orange Hot Wheels car
60+ female and 21 yr old daughter recognised me from Pleasant primary school days

Mon Jan 19 2015 Carriage Way Sales
You sometimes gain more knowledge of human nature than anticipated
Held a lengthy discussion on the pros and cons of Agatha Christie's Poirot vs Miss Marple with an employee of Nazareth House and set aside several books for him to purchase at his leisure. Must be nearly time for School as several groups of young ones are back from the beach and heading off shopping. A young female said she couldn't buy anything as she had half a car load already destined for the op shop. Seemed a little miffed when I gave her my web page details for 'Op Shop til you drop' pamphlet. Political Advisor again held court. Ex Librarian's clerk explained fish oil and bought earrings. A little group of 15+ lads were vaguely confused and amused by fake spider. Curly red hair hospital worker likes docos and human interest stories on dvd... will have to dig into the good stuff. As the 'race to my parked car' shift began I loudly announced with each approaching footsteps '99... 100! and the prize goes to...' and amused myself greatly.

Sun Jan 18 2015 Carriage Way Sales
You sometimes gain more audience than anticipated
A Dave Hughes lookalike but with blonde hair and a slightly heavier build and oh yeah a good bit taller shook my hand 3 times and introduced himself enthusiastically. Apparently he likes Jim Carey and will have some money with him another day. An older lady with her husband parked in car promised to bring me back some old magazines to give away even though I tactfully suggested it was all I could do to shift the pile I had. A couple paused and asked if the plastic spider on the shirt pocket was real, so I pretended great shock and slapped it hard between my palms saying 'I warned it once!' A larger woman parked in front of a neighbor's home and huffed past saying she liked to walk to work, and needs to have her own sale and not go round collecting more stuff. A mother pushing a 3 year old on tricycle squeaked along the footpath. Will return in car and they did, purchasing several little children's toys. Male Asian doctor in training showed no surprise at my unsquashed spider friend.

Sat Jan 17 2015 Carriage Way Sales
You sometimes gain more attention than anticipated
An early bird with an xxl t-shirt struggling to do its job bought a dvd and a book. Old friends dropped by and we all coffeed under the overhanging tree in between chatting with passerbys. Thank goodness no potential customers requested tea and biscuits. Bike riding family accepted my request to purchase more balloons. When they returned I offered the child a choice of the change or a silverypink toy gecko lizard. Of course he chose the gecko, it's so pattable. An Irish male who has lived here 50 years asked me to set aside the McInerny book. A large body builder with a tiny partner said he likes factual books, she said nothing. A gold buyer gave me his details just in case ... maybe I will find Pa's filling in the recesses of the vacuum. A youngish female said 'I tip my hat to you' but continued walking.
I warned a trainee doctor glued to his phone that 'I can chase faster than I look' and created a mix of emotional reactions mainly laughter. Young local female studying Geography at Uni with an essay due procrastinated a little more by pretending to be interested in my 'get into it and promise yourself a break or non food reward every half an hour' lecture, perfected over 15 years...I'd get an A+ for that pep speech. A woman who should have know better pushed through my little privacy barricade while I was inside. I ushered her gently back across the line dividing our property and the public footpath then encouraged her try on the button up black top clutched in her hand. I knew she only wanted it to hack the beautiful buttons off. Still $3 in the honesty tin and smiles all round. Tom from Community Radio jogged past and returned later for a glass of water and a chat. As I was packing up a woman called Marie and her friend pulled up and I happily carried back out several items of clothing. I know her name was Marie because black was her color and Melbourne black was what I had in abundance and her friend cooed encouragingly at each item 'ooh Marie this would look good on you!' Counselled a young couple strolling along with open bottles of cider... not where's mine, but the official view of older people... you'll trip and bust your face open on that!

Fr Jan 16 2015 Carriage Way Sales
You sometimes hear more than anticipated
Old hippie returned and talked about his 10 children and the accidental death of one as a young adult. A 60+ male bought a clear plastic box which had been a recipe card holder for his 94 year old mother to keep by her chair and store easily lost items. A 30+ male returned from yesterday with his wife and bought clothing. A fine young man taught by myself many years ago said 'Lovely weather'
Mike from MikenMal riding with helmet in carry basket listenened to my health lecture on 'skull contains brains' A hospital worker bought 2 hats for children going on camp. A 70+ male saw the Leyland brothers book and proceeded to tell me a few home truths about another adventurer of the 1970s then bought a dinosaur book and I gave him a new cotton nighty for his wife in hospital. He returned later saying his wife thought it lovely. A 50+ female explained the situation with her husband in Emergency then picked out some things for her local playgroup. A youngish hippie tried on some flares over his pj-type pants and selected the World Beer book and a water pistol. A local Political Personality stopped to quiz me on my knowledge. Fail. Local skateboarding youth returning from chemist agreed anybody who is anybody is on tablets. Blond female with plaits said something like 'I don't buy that sort of cheap stuff' as she strutted past. Rescue dog lady swapped an item of clothing that didn't fit and then we both prompted flash car hospital worker into a small purchase. Moths were not harmed. Creswick hospital worker who parks in Mill street bought an old tin and talked about pot plants that actually survive. Male with a disabled son in van - window down - took a break to look and ask about books.

Thurs Jan 15 2015 Carriage Way Sales
You sometimes learn more than anticipated
Two 18+ males new to Ballarat, chatted and bought the Homer beermat, dolphin water pistol, wooden beads and a long silver bead chain of the type used to casually swirl locker keys while waiting at bus stop. I have named them 'MikenMal' as they are riding around town checking things out. An old friend stopped and greeted me with the accustomed Starstruck Tone followed by 'what the heck are you up to now?' then purchased some baby board books. An old hippie from around the corner stopped for a chat about home births. Went inside and came back to $6 in the honesty tin and 2 of Nanna's old jam glass bowls gone to a happy home. Neighbor off for a canoe paddle on the lake. Stripped cardigan with tags still on because it reminded me of a Paddle Pop Tiger, went to Buninyong. A woman who said she knew Miss Clark asked if I was the boarder. Older lady with abundant good sense bought 2 Emergency Ponchos - boot and bag.
An intellectually curly haired female heeded her life time advice and did not stop to talk to the strange lady selling stuff.
Sold some clothing to a 60+ female while Dad aged 84 sat in the car well used to waiting for women. Red curly haired hospital worker stopped for a look and a chat. A couple aged 70+ apoligised for not having any money then laughed when I waved them on their way with a 'Be off with you scallywags' A couple of older 'pickers' selected several books and dvds just as I was packing up.

Mon Jan 12 2015 Carriage Way Sales
You often learn more than anticipated
Bike family smiled smoothly past. Hospital worker parked, smirked and wandered off.
Hospital worker stopped to ask if I had any Weeg cartoons or football videos. I wonder if he will accept a couple of dozen or maybe a ton of old videos for free or should I pay him to cart them away...
A female whose brain may have been on pause button looked at my stall at the end of our driveway, sorry Carriage Way, then pointed at our home and asked 'Is this your place?' Well the Real Owners are going to have a spectacular watermelon cart type crash...
A female hospital worker rushed past to pay a bill in her lunch break. A 60+ male ambled along at the same pace as his yellow lab.
A 30+ male glazed into invisible by his insertion of earplugs hovercrafted on his way. Someone shifting to Sydney wanted to know how much I charged for books as I assumed she was considering having her own fortune-making booksale, then seemed confused and disallusioned by my explanation of 'free if I think you need to read it' ...
Short red hair with pink stripes walked by so dazzling, I am sure all no longer took notice of Christmas weight gain
One of the young doctors doing their training remained unconvinced by my 'today's special - fridge magnets'
'Got an appointment love, sorry' came from a 70+ female
Gave a new bath toy with suction caps to a young mother from my stockpile of 'I am Buying this now, because I may start a Business one day'
'I'll come back when I don't have Him in tow' whispered from a 50+ female. The charm of 'Emergency Ponchos' was completely lost on a 40+ female. A hospital worker asked if I heat packs. About to pack up when an ex-librarian's clerk purchased items including a blue 'itty bitty bin' then a mother bought the fabric cowgirl hat.
Then the rain set in all week. I think my mood brought it on.

Sun Jan 11 2015 Carriage Way Sales
You always learn more than anticipated
Neighbors from up the road and around the corner liberated the yellow glasses-holder duck and a few pairs of clip on earings for the grandaughter. A male from up country bought some old buttons with Australian Army insignia and other trinkets. A 40+ female talked about her visit to the hospital. A grown up family talked about the drainage, flooding and creek system in the area. A 50+ couple bought some old gold...ish chains and a broken baby bracelet found somewhere along the way and never repaired or used. Gave a female Indian hospital worker a free magazine for stopping to look.

Tues Jan 6 2015 Carriage Way Sales
You always learn more than anticipated
Christmas bicycles with family of 3 attached wobbled along footpath
Determined male belly in shorts exercising again
Female hospital worker parking for free in the neighborhood furiously pretending to text to avoid noticing my invisible self.
Rained Thursday and Friday so no "Carriage Way Sales"
An old singer in a band bought 3 Western dvds. An 80+ female hurried past with her trolley as she was late for a 60th wedding anniversary. A neighbor showed me 3 tops bought at Myers Stocktake Sale. Some really old books c 1960 went to a deserving new home. Gave some double peach hollyhock seeds to a neighbor's friend. A young couple pleaded for a pat of our unappreciative old cat, then bought a hat for the male as the female insisted 'hats look silly on me' as they do on our cat. A hospital worker who always parks in front of a neighbor's home making it just that bit more difficult for her to back out into traffic looked at dvds announced her partner was always buying them and took her pristine - even after a days work - gelled hair over to her fancy car. A carer for her father who listens to Radio National most of the night, bought a book for $2 and I gave her a free magazine for her daughter. A father who made his 2 kids stay in the car had a quick break browsing the goods on display. I gave him a free children's flip over memory activity pad. Female 50+ in a gold sedan lives in a flat and needs something to put her pot plants on. Remembered the perfect metal rack for her after she had gone, so I hope she returns. Female with a cute rescue dog bought several items. Mother and 2 active children selected several items then collected change from dad who reposed in air-conditioned car. Little girl announced that my air-conditioning was the overhanging neighbor's tree! Young male who had bought the peace sign beanie was heading off to meet up with friends. A 20+ couple intent on walking passed by. A 60+ couple even more intent on cracks in the footpath followed at a distance. Male 70+ helping a relative shift into a rental property in the area strolled along to see what the red balloons were all about. Globe of the world went to a new home. Lovely book with black & white woodcarving type sketches of cats doing their usual curious activities reluctantly went to a woman who wasn't going to put it down again. I was going to give it to the new Xmas kitten owner along the road and over the fence. Counselled a grandmother who doesn't get to see her own grandchild, at least she now has a pretty shrug to wear in the evenings. The now less than wobbly bike family passed by on the footpath.

Sat Jan 3 2015
You always learn more than anticipated.
"Carriageway Sales" began on the first weekend in sleepy January. Everyone in Ballarat at Torquay.
No one to object to the red checked table cloths covering a dilapidated wooden table and clothes rack displaying various wares
at the end of our driveway, oops, sorry Miss Clark, Carriage Way.
Thanks go to the first customer a 60+ male who bought the blue plastic covered 'Dunny Jokes' book
and began reading jokes to his joyful visually impared 30+ son.
I immediately knew there was more to a fancy garage sale than just passing one's treasures on for others to enjoy!
Then a recent neighbor stopped by and asked if I knew who owned a certain house now, while I bossed another neighbor who was doing some painting into accepting a broad brimmed hat. Counselled a young cancer patient. Picked some flowers for a widow who lives down south, visiting the cemetery who also needed a hat, talked with some oldies passing by whose grandfather used to own an old house in the neigborhood then chatted with some young ones about skateboards. Seems a Ninja Turtles skateboard c 1990 would only be worth $10.  Reminded that it would have been Elvis' 80th birthday by some old fans who needed a hat for the festival... potential rise in hip replacements after that party cools down.
Peace sign beanie parted with for $1 to a young one who also travels by bus.
Met a man who collects old tools, toys, watches and clocks
Heard a female hospital worker coming from the moment she clocked off from her 'tappy tappy' shoes.
Was told all about Mrs Mills and her opera singing style c 1964 'butchering' all popular songs
Couldn't sell the Times Tables poster to a man who claimed he already knew them.
Couldn't slow down several older males hooning along footpath on mobile scooters.
Saw a belly coming attached to an exercising male in shorts.
Advised a female looking at a house for sale in the neighborhood.
Gave some rosemary to a size 12 female bike rider to help her remember to return for more black clothing purchases
And that reminds me how I started this Community Consultation Centre ... a heap of pre-loved black clothes from Hawthorn... nb clothes suctioned into bags do no sign any agreement to de-wrinkle even after washing and ironing...not even the damp daddy hanky approach.
Set aside a pile of goods for a campaigner to retain the Civic Hall to be picked up later.
A few teeth man told me his friend buys and sells books.
A woman heading to Echuca selected several books worthy of a holiday.
Gave a free balloon to a young female who had completed her childcare course and wanted to do Nursing. I think she enjoyed having the balloon more than the sleepy child in her care.

Dec 2014
Finding a way to display old vinyl record covers should be easy with this internet shop thingy
Dec 2014
It is a lot of sleeps til 'The Walking Dead' returns on Feb 9th 2015
Dec 2014
Sneaking "Who do you think you are?" featuring (Sheldon) Jim Parson's ancestors on to Gem tv without fanfare
is unforgiveable. Lucky it was spotted or letters would have been written!
Dec 2014
'Animals' by Emma Jane Unsworth is not 'Withnail with girls' as suggested on the cover
more like relentless pointless hangovers and still no lightglobe Gay moment.
Where is Daryl with his bow and arrow when ypu need him, after reading Chuck Palahniuk's 'Beautiful You'
a creative unusual story line except for the basic premise of female climax being a threat to virility and mankind.
'The Turning Tide' by C. M. Lance would have been a movie worthy memoir, only it was written by a female researcher
pretending to be a male soldier in ww2 and but for the love scenes... well enough said
Lovely satisfying short stories in 'the promise' by Tony Birch.
Nov 2014
The award for best newcomer to radio comedy goes to Joyce of 'Buy, Swap or Sell' fame radio 3BA, Ballarat
Nov 2014
It is completely norman to be giggling over scenes from "Upper Middle Bogan" 24 hours after viewing...
Could be Tony Martin's writing and direction or the dismal face of the star greyhound
maybe the inclusion of phone and computer technologies used by all who can afford them
but rarely appropriately, or from necessity
Now settling in for "Tom and Jerry" movie, so may just be my taste in comedy
Nov 2014
Real Estate watching in Ballarat is becoming more entertaining
as more new residents discover our delights and hopefully more old homes are restored
rather than neglected to roof flapping possum b & bs

"Heroes" is not to be glut viewed. Didn't take long for the barricking for the bad guy, Sylar (Zachary Quinto) to begin.
All 77 episodes now happily back in the box. Fan Club for Zachary's eyebrows is narrowly avoiding entrapment and flyswat.
"The Walking Dead" series 5 has more creative ways of brain reduction. The most difficult task in 41 years of marriage...convincing husband to start watching series 1... now up to ep 3 Series 2.

Nov 2014
Wonderful reads are rare:
"The color of night" by Robert Hollingworth captures the lure of online existence in Melbourne
compared to the brutal reality of life in fire prone Victoria
"Kiss me first" by Lottie Moggach is a fresh creative story of online existence leading to non existence
"How to be a good wife" by Emma Chapman yells out crazy lady movie starring a skinny red haired wench
Oct 2014
Sharon Knight is the Labor candidate to vote for in Ballarat West come the November State election
even though Alice Barnes is an honorable graduate of the Nacooma Alternative Playgroup
and is standing for the Greens
Sep 2014
"I made it" home made biscuits, cakes, slices and chocolates by Carolyn Love of Delacombe, Ballarat
are well worth a try
Adirondack chair or Chaise de l'Adirondack made of resin 100% in the USA by Adams Mfg Corp. Portersville PA 16051
are more easily pronounced as Mr Adair on Deck chairs
Very comfortable outdoor relaxation, as long as you keep a wipe down rag handy
as they seem to be a target for birds and possums
Free barista made coffee at Maxi Foods supermarket on the corner of Pleasant street and Latrobe street
for customers seems a delicious enticement to shop there
Aug 2014
The newest op shop to pop up in Ballarat is a worthy fundraiser for Ballarat Hospice Care
Currently located at 312 Drummond Street South, Ballarat this is a small but well stocked op shop
Open Wed, Thurs & Fri 9.30 am til 2.30 pm Phone 53 331 118
'Can Too!' is motto for re-launch of $1 well worn blue denim jeans
at home, in garden and down the street... that polka dot blue jacket should have an air out as well
Who said you can't buy yourself a birthday gift
Aug 2014
Watching the Ellen DeGeneres recommended USA abc tv series 'Scandal'
is a warming way to defrost after dancing in a welcome flutter of Ballarat snow flakes
Now trying to work out if Andrew Lincoln who plays Rick Grimes in the 'Walking Dead'
and Tony Goldwyn who plays the President in 'Scandal'
have ever stood next to each other at an contest...?

Sep 2013 til July 2014
Not dead yet, however, a bit cold around the edges, a little lighter on feet
now that 47 gall stones are enbottled

Reading, reading, reading and occasionally being surprised by quality:
"The Book Thief" by Markus Zusak
"The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society" by Mary Ann Shaffer & Annie Barrows
and particularly awakened by
"The Tree Palace" by Craig Sherborne
and wondering why the following excellent dialogue hasn't been made into a movie - renamed 'Wasted Lives' -
"Ghosts & Lightning" by Trevor Byrne, a little bit 'Whitnail and I' meets 'Trainspotting'
The previous innocent borrower of 'Country Life' and 'Gardens Illustrated' magazines had left their Library receipt tucked inside
"Mateship with birds" by Carrie Tiffany. A bit of unexpected ooh la la there.
13 Sep 2013
Who knows where the Copenhagen Grounds were in Ballarat c 1860?
It seems from my transcribing of the Ballarat newspaper, "The Star," that the Copenhagen Grounds, often used for sporting recreation, were behind the Tannery Hotel in Sturt street, near the corner of Sturt and Pleasant streets in Ballarat.
Possibly the current site of the City Oval.
25 Aug 2013
Having a modern record player that plays old 78 records would be fun.
Sam's Warehouse has in its latest catalogue a 'retro styled' radio and cd player that can also play records - or vinyl if you prefer.
In the olden days, as well as needing to be wound up by handle, record players required a needle which had to be screwed into place, as you would a sewing machine needle and that precious - easily lost - needle would become blunt and need replacing.
If only Sam was clever enough to produce a multi-talented record player that could play old 78s as well as 45s and 33 and a thirds.
23 Aug 2013
A Wayzegoose celebration is a fun way to spend August 24 St Bartholemew's day
or a Wayzgoose party for the printers' picnic

Think I may have invented some Wayzegoose Muffins...
Squish together : 2 spoonfuls of cream cheese, 1 egg, 2 spoonfuls canola oil,
open a little tin of pears and keep the syrup
smash the pears up and add into the oilyeggcreamcheese stuff
 -put the juice in a saucepan with a bit of margarine and 2 spoonfuls of sugar, boil 2 mins to make a syrup-
Sift 2 cups of Self-raising flour, wack in a handful of sunflower seeds
If you want to be Really Wayzgoose grind in 2 hits of black pepper
Add the wet mush to the dry flour stuff and mix gently
Spoon into mini muffin pans. Makes 24.
Cook in hot oven 7 mins
Put cooled muffins into a ceramic or plastic tray.
Pour warm syrup over muffins
Enjoy your picnic
18 Aug 2013
Dreams are cunning convolutions, a concatenation of time, memory, delusions and expectations.
Last night I dreamed I was sitting on a bench seat, in the deserted Bridge Mall, sheltering from the drizzle under my yellow umbrella
which was strange, not for its color in a black and white movie, rather because I lost that umbrella somewhere last year.
Popping into two corners of my dream, like a Greek Chorus were two old single ladies, my dear deceased neighbors who had prayed for me to have a daughter, "prayed her into being,"undoubtedly.
Suddenly a 3 year old, who I sort of recognised, was running in circles around the bench seat.
I swivelled my head, tracking the merry-go-round child and like a fair ground announcer proclaimed: "I dreamed you into being."
Next day it was still raining. I googled the phrase "I dreamed you into being"
and it turns out I wasn't even the first person to think of it.
17 Aug 2013
I filled in a form and posted it off. Several things occured to me. Two generations of schooling since the phasing out of copper-plate style and our handwriting was still appalling. It soon would not matter because all forms would be completed on-line. Block Letters will become an unknown phrase, along with JPs witnessing Stat Decs. Signatures will be different each time due to lack of practise.
Stamp collecting will no longer exists. Postmen will only deliver internet ordered pacels. Dogs will have no purpose in their barking practice. The excitement of receiving my reply will be diminished because of the contents. Seriously. A Seniors Card.
13 May 2013
The realisation that symptons of old age exist in one's own being is awesome. Hello non-malignant inner-ear vertigo.
The last vodka shot c 1993 is revisited every rollover in bed. Relax and enjoy the seasickness. Best not to sing along.
10 May 2013
It is wonderful to have some telly to look forward to viewing, one day, maybe.
The sparkling, sparking Tony Martin is assisting Ross Noble (now the famed flame)
Together. In England! Go Ross Noble Freewheeling!
Ross Noble has signed up to create an 'anti-travalogue' for UK digital chanel "Dave."
The Director apparently will be social media - emailing, twitter, ohh maybe a wavering worm -
My humble suggestion follows
(yes I know this will only reach the aura of Ross if someone in the UK spots then twats this for me)
As one of the millons of family history researchers putting on the good glasses
to search the world for places where ancestors slept, I would like Ross to visit the
Chorlton Union Workhouse.
If the building no longer exists, I would like Ross to recreate
the 1879 experience of our dear old great, great grandfather Harrop.
Just knock on the door of whatever occupies the site - luxury units, Library, Council tip -
and commence living in the poorhouse, fall somewhat realistically down some stairs, pretend to break hip,
survive the pain, on and off, for a fortnight with copious amounts of opiate based liquor,
bemoan the stupidity of leaving family behind to return home to England in 1863 from sunny South Australia
and self bury in some unmarked pauper's grave.
Happy Happy viewing!
7 May 2013
How cruel could nature become? Le petit mort accompanied by a bref mal de tete!
21 Mar 3013
the Ballarat Star News and Notes of 31 Oct 1863 delivers again:
arrested ... for obstructing the footpath with a waggon and team of buttocks
excepting one awful bitch in which "the fair Ophelia" was cruelly left alone on the stage
hitch, I believe that word should have been scanned as hitch
21 Mar 2013
Kevin's adopted?!
Ohh ... Kevin's dropped it...!
19 Mar 2013
Two months until we celebrate 40 years of wedded bliss
Said no to a paddling pool full of ruby jelly
Not sure about a self powered hot air balloon
Won't let me 2nd marry Ellen...even though I am generous enough to be Juniris de Generes
12 Mar 2013
I will have to find the energy to get the band back together...
our new name : "Irretrievable Ruins"
11 Mar 2013
The recent run of hot days has produced plenty of hot air currents
especially in the political arena...
Also spotted a relaxed wedge-tailed eagle soaring in circles above central Ballarat
with two frazzled crows several metres under him flapping to keep up
with their loopy de loops
and wasting a lot of energy cawing their disgust at the intruder
Wonder if the newly revamped Kryal Castle
has a frantic new trainer furiously swinging a rabbit on a string
Mar 2013
A slightly more modern TROVE is called for
Argus 12 Oct 1954
'Life with Dexter' A new family comedy on 3AW at 7.30 pm
(That's Dexter Dutton to you younguns)
Mar 2013
It's all in the name 'When Looking for Gold' game:
The name of the company is Wheal Fortune Company
not the Wheel of Fortune Company
The above a correction printed in 1863
TROVE the wonderful old newspapers on line continues to fascinate
Of course suicide is not funny even if you use your own tail
Ballarat Star 1 Sep 1863
Ah Coon, the interpreter, very ingeniously put in a plea of insanity for the accused,
and said that he at one time attempted to bang himself
Ballarat Star 13 Oct 1863
"... twenty-three Chinese incarcerated ... had their tails cut off..."
Mar 2013
Josh Thomas and Thomas Ward have created a surprisingly entertaining, thought provoking telly show
sweetly named : "Please like me"
However, I need to see Billy Proudman and Wade Briggs in the same room!
And 'Roger' Jon Heder - cupid smiling- mirrowing Thomas Ward.
Mar 2013
The exact site of the 1854 Eureka Stockade was referred to in the 'News and Notes,'
in the Ballarat Star newspaper of 23 September 1863
as the 'old ground' which Mr Esmond had recently taken up - to mine for gold - measuring 1,200 x 200 feet.
Feb 2013
Queasy was an appropriate response, when viewing the last few minutes of the film awards.
Nodding 'fair enough' when my viewer-blinkers were ripped open.
Of course lots of people already know the winner, how dopey of me to think otherwise!
Why not allow the wife to dress up and present a prize...
And the award goes to "Lincoln" ... sure little American kids would be inspired to strive for good not evil by that film...
I guess it is pg enough, what with the ex flying nun and someone ugly enough to play Lincoln...
What? She said What? Is that the one where they set out to track down and kill?
Even the girl scout noddies in the background seemed pleased.
Feb 2013
Organised Crime in Football:
That's out of bounds!
Drink this...drink it...don't make me get the funnel and duck tape!
Omar comin'
Has always existed...those bloody 'pies won once didn't they
Mumma don't let your boys grow up to be footballers
Feb 2013
It is Time, Timely indeed my lords, ladies and imps for "Game of Primes"
Kissed by Fire vs Touched by Sun
Jan 2013
When a conversation begins to falter or goes around it circles
it is best to mutter :
"We'll let 'em go. We won't shear 'em."
Then stroll off or hang up depending on the circumstances.

Nov 2012
"Margaret Fulton: Queen of the Dessert" is certain to have a long and healthy life as a rich and rewarding musical
on stages throughout Australia and beyond.
Well written by Doug McLeod with songs composed by Yuri Worontschak
this is a revealing story with refreshing songs.

Mean and lean servings will be scrapped,
and Telly health improved
on Saturday 10th November 2012
by the screening of "Scumbus"
on chanel 10 at 9.30pm
Belly patting good

This will be an event worth attending with a small wad of cash:
Saturday 3rd & Sunday 4th November 2012
open 10 am til 4pm both days
The Third Annual
'UnitingCare Book Fair'
selling a wide selection of second-hand books at bargain prices
- well, nothing over $5 equals Bargain in my language-
also White Elephant Sale - fabric, bric a brac & more
at St. Andrew's Uniting Church Hall
cnr Sturt & Dawson streets, Ballarat
Entry - Coin Donation
Oct 2012
 chanel 7's late night 'I just want my pants back' is the new 'New Girl' only dirtier and the jokes are sly
Oct 2012
coming out of anaesthesia is surreal...
otherwise last words would have been
"You can print out a photo of the interior of their original apartment? Yes please!"
Sep 2012
'Margaret Fulton: Queen of the Dessert' promises to be a delicious slice of theatre
at Theatre Works, 14 Acland Street, St Kilda from 16 Nov - 1 Dec 2012
Participate and help promote, by joining the 'Tea Towels For Margaret' campaign
Sep 2012
Writer-director Robert Connolly (Balibo) has gifted us a wonderful recreation of our social and political history
in "Underground: The Julian Assange Story,"
based on the 1997 book
"Underground: Tales of hacking, madness and obsession on the electronic frontier" by Suelette Dreyfus
Sep 2012
Tony Martin has been unheard of for 12 months.
Worryingly so. Hope he hasn't rusticated.
Found Him!
Recreant rapscallion!
Under the twitter cloak of invisibility to us humble beings.
Tony Martin@mrtonymartin
Tony Martin has also magic wanded into the world of e books
Use your VISA card to purchase online at
Tony Martin's "Scarcely Relevant"
I find them reflugent ramblings, certainly not rigmarole.
Sep 2012
The TV show "Call the Midwife" has an alarming absence of breastfeeding
and not even a connection drawn between 20+ children and a lack of breastfeeding
Aug 2012
There is a bit too much buzwinking going on!
Lots of huffing and puffing and getting up a head of steam
all for nothing.

T.V. Game Shows, such as
Andrew Denton's 'Randling'
that attempt to educate viewers
should encourage the recall of the CORRECT anwer
by scrolling the answers down the screen
on the opposite side to the credits
at the end of the show
at the beginning of the next episode
repeat those answers to refresh the brain
May 2012
An early winter is a cruel test of endurance
one casserole dish has already cracked under the pressure

Monday 26 Mar 2012
Newspapers don't always tell the whole story:
A man with a big bulge in his pants aroused the suspicions of Melbourne police
...He was strutting his stuff naked except for underpants? Was he a stalker? One of those weirdos?
And he wasn’t happy to see them
....Well not truly gay or into uniforms at least
The cops allegedly found a loaded gun in his underpants,
...Good grief! after all those telly ads reminding us of the dangers of drunken behaviour and he goes out loaded!
along with a large amount of cash and some drugs
...maybe he left his wallet in the good pants
Police busted the 29-year-old Brunswick man during a routine vehicle intercept in Dandenong South around 5.30am yesterday
....mmm I’d be suspicious of anyone leaving beautiful Brunswick
...We all know Dandy spells trouble
... 5.30am? probably sent on a mission by the pregnant missus
...anyone check the back seat for a grumpy sleepy baby on board?
They decided to frisk the driver because of an abnormally large bulge in his groin area
...oh poor dear prostate probs?
Closer inspection allegedly found nine stolen credit cards,
...Whoa! That’s what bum crack is for.
a loaded firearm,
...probably tried to tuck it in his belt realised he was wearing tracky pants and just kept sliding it in next to big jim
...just as safe as leaving it home under the toddler's mattress
about 180 ecstacy tablets
... oooh not taking any fuzzy freeranging tablets off people in pubs ever again
28 grams of amphetamines
... no viagra then
and a large amount of cash
 ...wash that cash - add a capfull of bleach then rinse rinse well
all stuffed into his briefs
...There’s his main problem right there...Should have purchased high waister big Bonds with reinforced crutch
He was pulled over in Quality Drive
...multi-tasking probably looking for at Real Estate in nicely named streets
after a registration check came up as cancelled
... yep sounds like an under threat of death cravings order from the wife
The man is likely to be charged with various offences
...dubious dress sense
...Unrealistic Expectations of Budgy Smugglers

Mar 2012
Irony is most unkind
At our little Primary School, my older brother tied a handkerchief around his face to pretend the phenyl fumes were not affecting him as he and the other Grade 6 lad carried each end of a pole from which swung the precariously full outdoor dunny offerings to be buried down by the creek where the worms were plentiful and the soil soft enough to dig.
Because I’ve got the tomahawk explained my older brother as he hacked our adventurous path along the creek to the waterfalls.
While lifting wood out of the woodbox for the loungeroom fire, he deliberately stood on my infected toe and laughed at my frustrated leaping attempts to kill at least maim but unable to reach his neck!
Yell at him again or the cows will never get milked came the order. The cartoon mesmerisation spell could only be broken with the last notes of that’s all folks.
I’ll teach this hallowed moo not to back out of the bail announced my annoyed older brother as he encouraged it in the right direction with an iron bar and a determined twist of the cow’s tail releasing an unpleasant steam of green splatter.
Get off the school bus quick said my older brother, as the biggest bully sat shocked by the blood coming from his nose. There was to be no more Gomer Pyle taunts.
In case I’m at the dance and they don’t like the first shirt. Then I will just take this one off and hey presto there will be this one said my older brother.
Jolene, Jolene, Joleeene, Joleeeene! suddenly boomed from the radio accompanied loudly by my older brother and mate while me and my darlin’ cuddled under the back cover as the ute cruised down the Hume Highway.
He got the pup from the farm he was visiting. He says he took the rota button from their car so they couldn’t follow him. The car tyre? Have to ask him about that explained the police officers who gently ushered my older bother into our little South Yarra flat.
This new blender thing is fantastic. Makes milo extra fluffy. Even put in an egg. See. What the heck, I bet it can blend the shell as well. Tastes fantastic. Don’t you want some?
I wouldn’t dance with her! She looks like the south end of a north bound camel.
There was more much more in his 62 years of life. Unfortunately it included throat cancer.
A non smoker, non drinker, bible studying man, my older brother now lies forever facing the setting sun in the serene Kiewa Valley.
His seven children wept. We all wept.

Feb 24 2012
The sweetest victory is... the extra offspring who passes the Last chance to Pass exam...
and now we have Uni Graduation number 3
Feb 2012
Kev! Kev! The STOP sign!
Kev., Kev., stay away from any high bridge, mate!
February 2012
an apology or two is due for my non recognition of the talented actors, Daniel Henshall and Tracy Mann.
February 2012
The movie theatre experience does not compare to lounge room viewing.
We escaped house and garden to the movies twice this week.
We had read the trilogy, seen the Swedish dvd version, thought we were adequately prepared for the Daniel Craig interpretation.
The paper said 11:45 am but the web-site said 2pm. The voice on the phone advised of the superior nature of the computer's accuracy, so we ate lunch and took a comfortable stroll on a 20 degree 'summer' day, purchasing lollies on the way, anticipating the seductive but scornful rack of $5 jaffa bags.
The smell of decay - somewhat porcine in origin - from the basement of the bulding being renovated next door to the cinema, was a breath holding moment of displeasure. Must check TROVE for the building that used to be there in 1860s, probably where the goats, dogs and pigs of the old town were removed from circulation.
No crowd to wiggle through, also no eftpos but credit cards accepted, even received the pensioner discount for looking pitiful or saying repeatedly no eftpos? sure?
Early, so spent time discussing finer points of soft toy grabbing machine that could easily accomodate a determined 3 year old.
A quick glance around revealed only grandparents, all relieved at the commencement of another educational year. So no test subjects.
Comfortably seated in the centre of row, no beehives in front no crunchers behind. Waited, polished glassed waited a bit more, not even ads to snooze through. Loud booming noise debated, resolved as renovation noises. Assistant eventually appeared, reassuring all 10 of us that the 'projectionist' was fixing the problem right now. No free tickets offered. Lights down, side 'Exit' light suddenly distractingly bright. A young man had removed his shoes and socks and propped his feet up so they glowed in the soft light. I waited for the waft but there was none.
Three hours later our butts were relieved and the dragon tatts girly was off on her bike. Daniel Craig by then had mastered the highly sought after and indeed very sexy -in a 70s kind of way- skill of dangling his glasses in front of his face by one ear.
The next day, our toughened rears were entertained with the Australian film "Any questions for Ben?"
We walked via the cash machine and asked the seemingly solo cinema worker why it was cheaper yesterday
and were automatically given the pitiful price, without even pulling the face.
In the blue curtained cinema not the pink one with the evil winking Exit light.
The one worker seemed to be doing all - including turning the sound to max - drowned out that renovation noise.
Viewed one ad doused with musak sounds, then the computer re-set and the show rolled on, inticing us to re-watch "Titanic" by a bombardment of booming sound effects coming from behind and to the left.
Mercifully began the entertaining 'Ben?' film of Melbourne sights from all angles and many musical sounds, thankfully without next doors's smellorama.
There was the obligatory : "Who is that fellow? Is that Joel Edgerton's brother? Is it Joel himself, with a dye job? Could have shaved his head then put a wig... No. Sure?'"
Lolly munching, then:
"What about that woman? What's she been in? His mother, Spunky - what's his name Ben of course - his mother? Was she John Waters' ex-wife in that hospital show? Well she looks a lot like her!"
It was relaxing remembering young times in Melbourne, now pondering the futures of our own batch of adults.
the juniris review : "Finger snapping good!"
We return home to the smell of steamed dim sims, lingering, lingering from the last of our twenty somethings, studying for the final chance exam, hopefully to be whisked away soon to some well paid cloud.
I vote for lounge room viewing. Pause button. Toilet breaks. Coffee slurping beats running questionary.
Now pass me the air freshener spray.
February 2012
An early autumn, skipping over a reluctant summer.
January 2012
An exercise involving Extreme Restraint : Not the dragon tattoo girly...
trying to limit ourselves to watching only one episode each day from the DVD Box Set of 'Gavin and Stacey.'
Enjoying the cross overs between the red head in a combi travelling around England cooking stuff over a bunsen burner
in the same places previously saute-ed by Jamie and his big van,
now being toasted by two bleery eyed beer and wine chasers... whoops can you catch the van's keys...
I'm not under the affluence of ickohol...
January 2012
New Year's Eve is for insomniacs. Young insomniacs.
Intention to party. Check. Bottle of champagne, suitably cool. Availability of friends and neighbors. Bop-Bow.
TVviewing suiting only the lonely.
One yawn. Inevitable occurs. Awake for toilet visit at 5 to midnight. Hear a few fireworks in distance. Earplugs solve that.

December 2011
It is not a good idea to become complacent about impending disasters.
Recall incredible downpour on Christmas night. We drove through that. At least the on-call driver who guided us home in the brand new million dollar bus, happily drove us all through the tornado to the left and if you look to the right another storm cell.
So, lovely Xmas lunch, collect goddies, pack trolley head off to Southern Cross, listen to downpour, watch for collapse of roof. None. Board Free Train. Proceed as far as Norta Melbourne. Stop. Watch more downpour. Await conductor announcement. Wait a bit more. All huff off train. Wait at front of queue for replacement bus. Watch lightning. Step back inside Norta Melbourne station. Sit in waiting bay. Observe water pouring through ceiling next to lights. Shift after station attendant suggestion rather than own turkey- addled brain recalling something about water and electricity not mixing.
De-stuff trolley to stick in luggage compartment under bus. Absorb minimum rain. Attract no lightning. Travel home safely.
Bright and dry in Ballarat. Cats still alive. Birds still singing.
New water mark on hallway ceiling, a more easily handled disaster than a fry-up in the Norta Melbourne waiting room.
December 2011
All the joy of Christmas lies in who is doing the cooking!
Hence, my Xmas lunch was delightful, absolutely delightful. Of course I did my little bit of turkey roasting, cooling, slicing and transporting in an ice filled bag. The main show, however, was created, produced and directed by the most able, unflappable, young woman known. Ah the blessing of a daughter in defacto law, especially one who rises to the challenge of Polish pieroggi. The table was laden with stylish bowls and platters of all things delicious and pleading to be temptingly re-juggled past family members.
About to tuck in, we remembered the pre-eating photo, which from experience, always looks a lot better than the post ravage.
The digital on a 3 legged stick with some magic timer button did its work, not once, but twice. I thought there were smiles all round, but a later look revealed my smug toothiest smile starkly contrasting with more starved visages, a rather flapped hastily seated digital operator and a slightly over heated cook.
A very successful 25th December 2011.
Everyone enjoyed the ripping of wrapping.
No one over imbibed and fell asleep before lunch.
No one upset an outdoor trestle table by tying a dog to a leg.
Sufficiency all round.
A little matter of the crackers also known as bon-bons may have changed the whole tone.
Daughter had purchased a set of 6 of the most lush, gold-decorated available at Woolworths.
All enclosed the usual joker-colored king's crown, riddles most suited to a six year old and 6 different novelty toys, which we promised each other to swap depending on who cracked what.
The minature screwdriver set was eyed off as much as the little sewing set.
On some premonition brought on by the calm of non-cooking, I discretely popped a cracker with daughter as anchor, beside the table just before the intake of food commenced. Yes. I said beside the table. You read that right. For inside the bon-bon, along with toy, joke and crown as promised on the box, were millions of little things not mentioned on the box.
Some crown annointed manager had ordered or allowed or failed to check the appropriateness of including sparkly glitter.
December 2011
Santa please pay attention!
This is the most comprehensive Christmas wish list ever for Juniris:
Yellow is the favored color for my prison er  kitchen. Cheary not bleary so that drying dishes is much easier when looking at a pretty yellow pattern. Assistants dare not wipe their peanut buttery hands onto the giveaway shade of yellow, nor do they attempt to polish the patina from the back of hard working but neglected pots via the tea towel. Give me yellow tea towels any Christmas, or white with a bit of yellow, even blue with splashes of yellow. Forget that pompous argument about personal presents versus something for the kitchen; all yellow happily received.
You are sick of looking at my old windcheaters. I know this because I am sick of wearing them, washing them, pegging them out, taking them in and pulling them on. The cat remains and no that should not be fact. While a cat is in need of patting, I shall require a cat patting windcheater. Rather similar to a baby drool windcheater, it should be multi-colored or at least have a disguising and/or disgusting pattern on the front. Zips or dangly cords are an added entertainment bonus. At least 70% cotton is required otherwise a body heats up too much when a cat settles in for a long winter’s nap on my lap.
The perfect lipstick would be good. I have tried most of them but my face continues to mottle to varying hues depending on the weather, so any shade that makes me look really truely lovely and doesn’t immediately jump to my teeth will be welcomed into my handbag. Even if it is a tooth magnet, I will still use it if the magic spell works.
Any tea bags or even real tea leaves, I've got a tea pot you know. It's yellow. Buy the tea that promises weight loss, a cure for insomnia and/or a solution to indigestion. It will be trialled immediately and the results given a score out of 10. I know none will go above 4 but the scientist in me wishes to show up the sceptic.
Ear plugs that have the daily disposable convenience of comfy cotton balls combined with the block out factor of silicon balls would be a delight to find under the tree. I promise never to wear them during the day.
For the family history note taking while down at the library, I require a thick comfy-grip muli-colored -you know the clicky sort - of biro, or several of them if you can find them, and I will hide them in different handbags.
Packets of exotic flower seeds, especially the sort that require planting to a specific depth and in a special soil mix, will be a wonderful souce of entertainment. I do like to sprinkle randomly and check daily progress of the determined.
I have always wanted seven pairs of very large cotton underpants, preferably in different colors or patterns, so I can write Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, etc in ‘won’t wash off texta’ on the bottom. Dead sexy. Especially if I line up the letters so they make a break right on the button, with an explosion type effect on the shattered letters.
Sorry the above all require the expenditure of too much money. Here are some $2 or less ideas:
Seven face washers in different colors. See above note.
Forged Coffee Reward cards, especially for the Chains. The ones that ask you your name then look at you all funny when you say Esmerellda with two elles. They started it.
Handkerchiefs. I will put them in my tissue boxes; every 10th tissue will be a hanky, a surprise awaiting each blow.
Chewing gum. Lots of it. I want to see how many I can chew while waiting in line for the checkout and test how quickly the flavor vanishes from each brand, then I want to save it and stick the blobs in a pattern on the smoking bench outside the hospital.
Books from the op shop or Library 50 cent sale. I like confusing visitors by having something well outdated to hold up and ask have you read this one yet?
Vouchers for foot rubs. You know I will never redeem but he doesn’t, so if you make it glittery enough he will think he agreed but forgot.
November 2011
TROVE is the best place to find unexpected humour!
I have entertained myself for a few months fixing digital transcriptions of old newspapers on the TROVE website.
Those of us old enough to have delighted in the primary school subjects of ‘dictation’ and ‘transcription,’ as a break from ‘emu bob’ -which sounded like a great game but was actually rubbish collection - actually enjoy the process of correcting ‘tutt tutt, silly old computer’ mistakes.
My new transcription game is competed against others with time at their two finger tips. Although I am yet to be awarded any gold stars, I enjoy the short sessions of tapping and reading the history of Ballarat as seen through the reporters of the “Star” newspaper circa 1850s.
Each session is similar to reading predictive text when trying to tap out a message at midnight, wondering, often out loud ‘whose fault is that jumble of words?’ 
Probably best to blame the new fangled scientific digital world, rather than the aging human brain wishing to believe what it is reading.
The most common errors made by the digital scanning process are the words: die rather than the, Greek instead of Creek, hare mistaken for  have and well, I’ll just run you through a few in context, shall I?

I offer you these little excerts - noted in “talking marks” - from the digital transcriptions of our Ballarat newspaper
“The Star” circa 1859.

The banks have fallen out of favor in recent times. Viewed as no longer the passport to the future by many, it seems clerks were intimidated by various methods of bullying by their irrate customers in 1859. Being covered with icing sugar was one recorded incident for a worker in the Bank of Victoria, when he was “glaced in the dock.”
Oh. Maybe that should be ‘placed’ says my brain to tapping fingers.
We all cringe when the stock market results are being read out on telly. Well, those of us who are retired do so, especially when it is happy Bill, he of ‘doing the heel rock,’ during the read out ...  however, the 1859 report on the “dour market” may be a little cruel... wait on that should be transcribed as flour market.
Picking on the police may be a current fad, however, it seems to date back to 1859 when the “ponce” had to be called upon.
No wonder they were not held in admiration, working from the “Ticketty” old police station, or busy swatting off stings “in every district hive....”
Of course every birth was celebrated in the new colony and the safe arrival of three lion cubs and a monkey was reported by the enthusiastic journalist.
However, “The ladies and their interesting progeny are as well as can be expected.” Is not a fauly digital transcription. You read right. Ow! Itchy and scratchy!
Ballarat was a miserable place to be in a tent during winter when the year was 1859.
“Cold fields” indeed! We are no colder than Creswick. Ballarat is at least equal to Bendigo, at least a “godfield” ...hang on, maybe not up with the dieties, a very rich goldfield will suffice.
After 10 years of drought, in 2011 we are again welcoming rain and the lake is full. Similar to the situation in 1859 when, “The late heavy nuns have had the effect of raising the level of the swamp”
Maybe a top night out and all that frog stomping, possibly raised the water table or brought the springs into action, or maybe blame it on the rains.
On to more accurate comment on the weather... “the narkiest of the winter evenings”
probably should be murkiest, but narkiest is applicable on this dreary November day.
I hope this weather report is not heard until next winter : “a sharp hoar frost” or this summer, when it eventually changes to hot windy weather and the prediction of “ a slight brick fielder.” Again, do not polish specs, you read that one accurately.
They even had 1859 food critics... “long neglected White Horse Beef”
possibly eaten in a classy tent on White Horse Reef, where you would never refuse seconds of “padding” er pudding
Book in now for a dining experience of “roasted alpaca cutlets”
Keep your bib on, you read that right.
Such are the “simple farts so far.” Fact is a difficult word for digital scanners to transcribe with accuracy, so stand clear in regards to the new untried members of Parliament: “It is a noteworthy fart...”

Always best to end on a high note
go to
and do some transcribing for yourself.

September 2011
The photographic exhibition in Ballarat, held in various venues until the 18th of September is inspiring.
Especially the work of Lal Lal local, Kristina Kitchingman.

Now, that's a good idea...
Cappuccino Crawl in Ballarat...
There’s more than one cafe?
One hundred you say! That’s more than pubs and clubs combined.
So breakfast at one place, morning break at another, lunch somewhere else,
afternoon revival finished by evening meal...all with a different style or flavour of coffee...
mmmm could be humming along to cas by 8pm...better make some of those beverages decaf or chai or tea
Where to go for coffee in Ballarat?
See my “Cappuccino Crawl in Ballarat” pamphlet
just uploaded to
on the same page as
“Opshop til you drop in Ballarat”
copy / download
print out
photocopy back to back
fold into a pamphlet
and enjoy ticking off and ranking all our cafes
drawing trains and cars all over the map and coloring-in the headings
Which cafe in Ballarat has the ‘best’ coffee?
Is there a really cool cafe, where everyone hangs out?
Which ones are dog friendly?
Which ones have organic / fair trade / roast their own coffee?
Which ones have a drive through service?
Is there a cafe that tolerates babies and children?
Do they all have customer toilets?
Do any cafes have a courtyard?
Can you get there by bus?
Is there easy / cheap parking?
any comments email me at

That typist / computer who did the captions for the anxious arrival of cyclone Yasi
was just trying to break the tension by referring to Cairns as cans
and insisting our Prime minister's 'apple tart is with you'
as well as quoting the specialist who had been to 'salamis'

Green weed growing on our lake's surface could only be mistaken for solid ground covered by grass, by an over zealous labrador
and generally speaking, they don't stop to read signs.

The Thursday "Age" newspaper should be thanked for their inclusion of a simple map of Western Victorian rivers.
Now a follow up story on why 3 of those rivers end up Nowhere... I failed Geography in Form 6... is it something to do with the Great Artesian Basin - underground water and all that...

Only the valiant warrior eels would have chosen death when the Skipton eel farm flooded this week.
The lackadaisical, laid back, go with the flow eels would have swum away to the old country.

Daphne cuttings are prone to non compliance with instructions

Curry is more effective at drawing a crowd of blowies to the backdoor than corned beef

Television camera operators who record idiots playing in flood waters,
should themselves be dunked thrice in the same excretia laden eddy.
Television reporters who veer from reporting the facts of where, when and why flooding has occured
-rather than concentrating on shoving microphones into the 'who'-
should have their designer gumboots filled with cowpoo

The professor from "Gilligan's Island" should match wits with Stephen Fry on "QI"
Greengrass from Heartbeat should be Dr Doolittled by Nigella
Top Cat should be let loose in Meerkat Manor

A new TV show called " Fill 'em up" should be made, featuring prisoners on correction orders shovelling gravel into all the holes created by "Time Team" casually supervised by Phil Harding drinking a beer, in his short shorts of course

 The precocious boy from "Outnumbered" and Hamish Blake of Melbourne radio /TV and Alan Davies from "Jonathan Creek" & "QI" should play grandson, son and grandfather in a telly movie called "Never grow up"with guest appearances by great grandfather Mick Molloy sporting a grey moustache so long it obliterates his lips as it blends into short goatee

The circa 1986 ABC TV crime solving / comedy "The Fast Lane" should be given a re-run or at least released on dvd
My favorite TV moment ever came from that show... possibly the credits...
when an affected gentleman swerves to a halt and orders half a dozen dim sims

there should be a definite limit on the number of screenings every 5 years of
"The great St Trinians train robbery"...the old one with George Cole, not the new "St Trinian's" with Russell Brand
"To kill a mocking bird"
"Singing in the rain"
"True lies"
any "Carry on" movies
any Elvis movies
on summer time TV

Pedestrians should be guided by little painted footprints,
indicating which side of the footpath to use...'to the left, to the left'...
Councils should include the occasional elephant or tiger print,
with a smudge of a little wrong way human print just visible

Plastics manufacturers should make clear, rectangle containers
with lids attached or easily snapped on and tall enough
to fit 1kg paper bags of flour or sugar

Bad things keep happening, when good people do nothing

Juniris' recent purchases / awaiting :

Library books borrowed: 'I'm feeling lucky. The confessions of Google employee Number 59' by Douglas Edwards
Op Shop purchases: 'You can negotiate anything' by Herb Cohen; 'Making news' by Tony Wilson; 'Revenge' by Red Symons;
'The Street. Confessions of an undercover cop.' by Lachlan McCulloch.
TV not long now til 'Upper Middle Bogan'
Enjoying brief appearances on telly of comedian Melinda Buttle. Mel has wonderful poise, timing and delivery.
Happily anticipating next year's release of 'Now add Honey' an Australian movie by Robyn Butler and Wayne Hope
Hoping for fame and fortune for young Ballarat band "Hollow Everdaze."
Best Xmas Present : Box set of Game of Thrones books
Op Shop purchases : Larousse's 'French English' Dictionary. Dawn French's "Dear Fatty."Wendy Harmer's "Friends like these."
also "The Jane Austen Book Club" by Karen Joy Fowler "With one lousy free packet of seed" by Lynne Truss "The bride stripped bare" by Anonymous / Nikki Gemmell and "Cat catcher" by Caroline Shaw
Rather late purchase of the still good books by Stephen Fry "Paperweight" and "Making History"
also "The help" by Kathryn Stockett
Revisiting"Old Convict Days" memoirs of convict William Derrincourt alias William or Bill Day b 1819 edited by Louis Becke
Awaiting ANY new TV shows. It's been a long cool summer. "Pictures of you" with Brian Nankervis could be good.
"Human Remains" with Ruth Jones and Rob Brydon would be excellent. In the meantime it's "Sports Fever" with Santo, Ed & Sam.
Movies : "Any questions for Ben?" Seen, appreciated and entertained : 'Finger Snapping Good!'
Best Xmas present : DVD Box set of "Gavin and Stacey." Written by Ruth Jones and James Corden. Simply succulent.
Spring 2012 will be enhanced by the viewing of series 1 of "Game of Thrones," Ride-a-little, Fight-a-little, Root-a-lot.
Awaiting on TV "Upper Middle Bogan" from Robyn Butler and Wayne Hope
Op Shop purchase "Before it's too late : Why some kids get into trouble - and what parents can do about it" by Stanton E. Samenow acknowledged by Dr Laura Schlessinger as 'A must read book to avoid stupid parenting'
Awaiting TV special on Judith Lucy's 'Spiritual Journey'
also 'Laid' with Celia Paquola
"The Jesters" starring Mick Molloy on to be relished at the each end of month,
as our download limit approaches
Ed Kavalee's "Scumbus" featuring Tony Martin
"Six Plots" Australian movie, producer John Chase of Ballarat
"Any questions for Ben?" Australia movie formerly known as "25"
movie "I love you too" Peter Helliar
possible movie by producer John Chase, currently in pre-production
Favorite Xmas presents :
yellow umbrella, hand made black & gold necklace, Stieg Larsson's three novels on the girl with a dragon tatt,
junirisland updating thereof and Monica McInerney's "At home with the Templetons"
Eagerly awaiting:
That nice TV station to air more old episodes of "The Avengers"
"The joy of sets" TV show with Tony Martin & Ed Kavalee.
Swinging new instrumental surfy band "Johnnie and the Johnnie Johnnies"
to be the soundtrack of 2011, led by Johnnie no-good with 'Sangrita' in hand and 'The Black Flamingo' in tow.
Watching the rise to Fame and Fortune of new Ballarat band "Howl"
Awaiting very patiently
a truce and reunion between Mick Molloy and Tony Martin
Review :
"Fabulous Food minus the Boombah" by Jane Kennedy
"...not in the same league as 'Cooking! Who Cares?'...but a good stocking stuffer nonetheless"
Summer TV viewing : Thank goodness for "Magnum PI" repeats and the discovery of "It's always sunny in Philadelphia"
Even had a fantastic COLOUR episode of "F-Troop" when the Cricket was postponed.
Will the TV Powerpeople find the recordings and re-air "77 Sunset Strip" "The Mod Squad"
or even the deeply buried "Funky Squad"
Favorite Xmas presents :
dvd "Withnail and I"
book "The Tao of Pooh and the Te of Piglet" by Benjamin Hoff
hand lotion Dead Sea Ahava
Books from Op Shop :
Jokes for the John with splashproof easy wipe cover
Bring a plate to the Mortdale Scout Hall by Su Cruickshank
Blame the octopus by Berna Hansen
New Books :
Pop Charts. Comedy graphs of your favorite tunes by Paul Copperwaite
CD Purchases :
unessential listening by Hamish & Andy
CDs on order :
Welcome to the inn by Eddie Perfect
DVD Purchases :
Wilfred. You think you're human don't you
Awaiting movie release :
Australian Writer / Director Dean Murphy's "Charlie and Boots"
Awaiting TV show:
Chandon Pictures
Awaiting Book Release
"A nest of occasionals" by Tony Martin October 2009
delivering...delivering...DELIVERED! Pass the cigars, please.
Favorite Xmas presents :
Big Noter Calendar by Norrish - Reid Services PO Box 1246 Healsville 3777 Victoria, Auatralia
Images of England. Pocket Images - Warrington by Janice Hayes
Willow Wood Hospice calendar for 2009 with photographs by the Broadoak Photography Group
Balloons by Jon Tremaine (how to make balloon animals)
Paperweight. Hand carved in Kenya mother & baby from Oxfam shop
Books from Op Shop :
Wildcat falling by Mudrooroo
Don't take your love to town by Ruby Langford
A bastard like me by Charles Perkins
New Books :
Art and Physics. Parallel visions in Space, Time and Light by Leonard Shlain
CD Purchases :
Cashgrab by Paperhouse
Things to learn by The Silents
CDs on order :
Welcome to the inn by Eddie Perfect
DVD Purchases :
Ten Canoes
like totally...Dylan Moran Live
Born to win & The Swap with Robert de Niro
Greetings with Robert de Niro
Awaiting DVD release:
Boytown Confidential by Tony Martin
Awaiting movie :
Australia by Baz Luhrmann
Awaiting TV
Dexter next season
Favorite Xmas presents :
Big Noter Calendar by Norrish - Reid Services PO Box 1246 Healsville 3777 Victoria, Auatralia
Willow Wood Hospice calendar for 2008 pics of Ashton under Lyne
Willow Wood Close, Mellor Road, Ashton under Lyne OL6 6SL
Postcards of Manchester Cathedral, On the Mersey - Warrington, Old Manchester - Deansgate c 1885
Books from Op Shop :
A pictorial history of Australian railways 1854 - 1970 by Ron Testro
Dinkum Aussie mailboxes by Alan Eager
Women in the background by Barry Humphries
New books purchased :
Lolly Scramble by Tony Martin
Teacher man by Frank McCourt
The bastard boy by James Wilson
CD purchases :
Middleborough Rd by Tripod
CDs on order :
The Silents. Perth's hottest new band
Welcome to the in by Eddie Perfect
DVDs purchased :
Strange Bedfellows by Dean Murphy
The Aunty Jack Show ABC
Johnny Skidmarks
Joe's apartment
Awaiting movie release:
Boytown with Mick Molloy
Awaiting TV:
The wind in the tree by Dean Murphy
Thank God you're here by Working Dog
Mouse Patrol
Favorite Xmas presents 2006 :
For the kitchen - Big Noter Calendar by Norrish - Reid Services PO Box 1246 Healsville 3777 Victoria, Australia
$2 Manet calendar for the thinking room
Iris hand lotion by Maddigan, Fairfield Victoria
Politics Australian style! black and white 1000 piece jigsaw by Spooner

Top of Page


go to TROVE for online old newspapers
Compare your life with that of the 1860s by reading all about:

Hot winds bake fruit
"The Ballarat Star" of 25 Jan 1860
Child drowns in dam
"The Ballarat Star" of 24 Jan 1860
Gunpwder and the Chinese
"The Ballarat Star" of 23 Jan 1860
Caterpillar ravages
"The Ballarat Star" of 20 Jan 1860
Never leave children alone, especially with fire
"The Ballarat Star" of 19 Jan 1860
Raging Bushfires
"The Ballarat Star" of 18 Jan 1860
Don't mess with snakes
"The Ballarat Star" of 17 Jan 1860
Fowl robberies
"The Ballarat Star"of 16 Jan 1860
A new lock-up for females being constructed...yay
"The Ballarat Star" of 14 Jan 1860
Suspicions of swamp water being sold off by mining companies
"The Ballarat Star" of 12 Jan 1860
The horrible consequences of heat, illnesses and 'exciting solids' on the infant mortality rate.
"The Ballarat Star" of Jan 10 1860
Private bathing times for ladies, under the strict supervision of Mrs Grimbley, at the sand based Victoria Baths located near the Gas Works in Ballarat East; comparable with the Western Baths, on the creek by the Brewery.
from "The Ballarat Star" of Jan 3 1860
Mrs Baddenach of Creswick who entangled her skirts in two bottles of lemonade on Christmas day, 1859.
Luckily for her, Dr Roche was soon stitching up the damage.
from "The Ballarat Star" of 31st Dec 1859

24 Mar 2011
Unpacked from Queensland Adventure :
After surviving my unlicenced backseat driving
of our hired four-wheel drive through flooded creeks,
we arrived at a Daintree rain-forest paradise in Whyanbeel, Queensland
near Mossman named 'Janbal' from the local Yalangi language.
I learned quickly to raise both arms above my wet face washered head
to worship the God named airconditioner
and practise the associated rituals of dipping in the pool.
The overwhelming architecture of this seemingly 'just made for a tv series' house,
gradually imprinted in my soggy brain as I flip-flopped regularly to the ice making fridge.
The luxurious fittings, furniture and art work slowly slipped into second place,
behind the towering, wonderous variety of 100 million year old plant forms seen from every window.
We didn't tire of whispering urgently or screaming in delight to each other
as each 'new to us' critter fluttered, crawled, swam or pecked into view.
Even the peacock who strutted along the decking to take a poop received our acclaim.
We need not have ventured from the house and surrounding property for the entire week,
but for the need to find a wide river crossing ... for the four-wheel drive vehicle.
Emmagen creek near Cape Tribulation was crossed, paddled in
and then the beware of crocodiles sign duly noted.
We called in to Alison & Digby's exotic fruit tasting at Cape Trib
- we had gone beyond the sign that warned '4 wheel drive only'
so were tough enough to use the shortened name -
and were refreshed by the variety of delicious new textures and flavours,
almost able to pronounce and remember both mamey and black sapote.
I have always associated tropical with mushy tinned fruit,
not humidity and the resulting rapid growth of life forms.
13 Mar 2011
Packing pull along for trip to deepest, wettest Queensland
Really should upload the "Cappuccino Crawl" pamphlet to
12 Mar 2011
Having butterflied around NZ again for the month,
following the jewellers from Birmingham via Clerkenwell, London
I settled on Charles Turner Harrop who
widowed, childless and retired
from manipulating gold into things of beauty
spent the last years of his life in Cambridge Road Brentford Chiswick
then King Street Fulham with 2 servants.
I hope he had a faithful dog.
I paused mid earthquakes and tsunamis
to email 'new to me' descendants of Harriet Tully nee Harrop
12 Feb 2011
And as predictable as a dog off a chain
I now take my mind off the small low fat meals
by sniffing out
the wondrous mystery of part of 'our' SA Harrop family tree :
Henry 'Harry' & Minnie Netta Harrop nee Heath lived Stamford Street, Parkside, Adelaide
their daughters Hazel Violet Judd, Gladys Melva Stringer and Ida Isabell McKinnon
and sons
Sydney Clem Harrop known as Sid Harrrop
Clinton Ross Harrop known as Clint Harrop
6 Feb 2011
Oh the joy of distraction!
The delighful Harrop family tree from England to NZ then on to WA:
Robert & Ann Harrop nee Goddard
Joseph Ryland Harrop and his 2 wives Fanny Radcliffe and Eliza Ellis
Leonard St George & Eleanor Jane Harrop nee Turtley
Leonard's surviving sister Georgina Ellis Colnett 
and brother Herbert Booth Harrop
Herbert's sons
Harold Joseph & Elfreda Hope Harrop nee Minchin
Herbert Thomas Godfrey & Grace Selina Harrop nee Savell
and the famed
Leonard Bernard Harrop once married to Elsa Suzanne Simon
2 Feb 2011
Ultrasound thingy machine says hello gallstones
29 Jan 2011
Machines that go ping in cas
28 Jan 2011
Suddenly steering the ceramic bus in the Art Gallery
27 Jan 2011
A phone call out of the blue. A hurried squeeze into neglected - new but never worn - blue speedos, cover bulges with t-shirt & trackies, dust talcum powder off yellow silicone cap, toss out sticky green decayed goggles, throw towel into bag with hanky, cash and comb, jump into paddock bomb as it swerves in to collect me...Thel & Lou are off to the newly revamped YMCA
26 Jan 2011
Happy "Terra Nullis - NOT" Day
25 Jan 2011
Nearly finished 'Cappuccino Crawl' pamphlet on where all the cafes are in Ballarat to be uploaded to junirisland in a week or so
24 Jan 2011
The welcome sound of magpie warbling and baby one squarking in time, made me hit the pause button and race outside.
Last week dear husband had reported a squished magpie... sad, but not ours, so hip hip, hurr-urdle!
23 Jan 2011
Babysitting our own little darling at last!
A grey shorthaired female tabby "Kattie" has come to stay for a few months and has already reminded us
that no two cats have the same personality!
We are slowly introducing our lazy 14 year old male "Oh Black and White One" by feeding them either side of the laundry door,
held open a crack by myself. So far, complete disinterest by OB&WO to the hisses from Kattie.
18 Jan 2011
The sound of our home has changed!
The side door ringer is now on the front door
topsyturvy indeed
17 Jan 2011
Utilised rolling pin for its intended use
- not belittling cartoon husbands-
but smashing the stems of Hi-der-Rangers
then burning the ends
Don't know why just do
16 Jan 2011
Emerged from bed cocoon, digestive system more settled. Unsettled by smooth media switch of attention on 75% of Queensland floods and close ups of our bravely coping female leaders, alternating with shockingly distressed survivor interviews,
to shots of Victorian floods and nattily dressed reporters choosing to stand in front of most disastrous swirls, attempting best pronunciation of country town names.
15 Jan 2011
Tried to understand several page flips of Melways to come to grips with which rivers flow towards the Murray and which head to the coast. Brain needed plain blue lines map of Victorian river systems with directional arrows
14 Jan 2011
Our backyard accepting of nature's will with tiny creek bed re-emerging, a swirl of billabong around the washing line and waterfall over bricks to side drain
12 Jan 2011
Bravely took late morning train after consulting weather radar, delivered de goods, returned via 4:37pm express, only slightly dampened twice. Saluted the distant bulky clouds and admired beauty of changing city to country landscape, from safety of train window. Traced the forceful imposition of train tacks thereon, the cuttings deep, wet and shining in afternoon sun, scotch mist masking backward glances.
Ballarat steadily soaked all day.
11 Jan 2011
Recovered from train trip to Tedtown on Sunday and packing trolley for the same again tomorrow
Not recovered from news Ballarat Dimmeys is closing, although husband now has a pair of $2 heavy cotton dark green work pants and daughter has another pair of $10 black leather work shoes
Working on Cappuccino Crawl pamphlet to upload to
7 Jan 2011
Post production of "Taming magpie" coming along nicely, need more burp and fart sound effects
stopped editing to cook tea
tried a Portugese marinade... could just read ingredients ... tomato, garlic, chilli, coconut milk... so who did they invade?
3 Jan 2011
I do delight in the discovery of anything / anyone in the 'new to me' arena:

Having a play on the wii exercise board and listening to an animated trainer tell me "Looks like you're not quite strong enough to attempt this exercise," then being praised for my dynamo approach to the 'Warrior Pose' - that was fun each time.
Must do it again and see if he has changed his tune. Smug little bugger.

Having broadband at last, after years of rationing downloads, seems akin to watering with the hose again. Feels so dispicable to waste drips of water and empty out all the barrels of mossie infected rain water. Watering the backyard is like going to the Ball with dance card full, although no amount of delicate Pride of Erin-ing allows moccies to remain non-soggy.
Internet gluttony is delicious. Even Christmas e-cards are opened.

Being surprised by lucky lunchtime flickaround - was also a delight. "MTV Cribs UK" is apparently a show about celebrity homes, a bit like the last 10 minutes of "Grand Designs" but without the possibility of disaster and also minus Kevin. A dapper young man named Keith Lemon prancing around his crib, caught us both unawares and had my poor slow husband wondering out loud about all sorts of topics unrelated to political correctness. "I think he's taking the pi..." I managed to giggle out, only to hear the 'Pffft' I am often accused of uttering.
So, with upperhand poised, I googled and snuggled under the virtual blanket of internet fame was the talented Leigh Francis.
Well, clever enough as he has married a well made up Jill Carter and they have created a daughter named Matilda, who will be blowing out 3 candles soon, the darling 'hold thumb' in order to display 3 chubby fingers age.
Apparently Leigh Francis visited Australia in March 2008 as part of his"Very Brilliant World Tour"
Leigh Francis' characters include 'Ozzy Rezat,' 'Avid Merrion' and a mannersfree 'Bear'
His Keith Lemon character will bring a Richard Marsland working Warrick Capper smile.
I look forward to viewing Leigh Francis' dvds eventually, and/ or praying lots to the Australian TV programing gods.

1 Jan 2011
What happened to 2010? A question well asked and now, scantily answered...

My very last present opened adoringly each year, with reverence - coming from the grave as it does and always bringing back rushes of dear father in law memories - is my kitchen calendar. I then occupy the blankness of January the first, by marking on birthdays, recycling nights and "one year since" reminders, sometimes even using multi-colors!
Reviewing 2010's calendar and grateful that year is now consigned to the Reject Shop, I failed the following Quiz:

Who suffers more - a male who undergoes 2 hernia operations in 12 months
or a female who has heavy month long periods for 7 years, even with Mirena for 5 years, then a D&C then an ablation?
A. neither, easypeasy
B. the female as she does double nursing duties - her own and the male's care
C. the male because he has to listen to the marytr

Does a lifetime of trying to fool Nature by taking various contraceptive pills, come back to bite the front bottom?
A. Not as yet
B. possibly stretch a menopause out to 10 years
C. oww 1 minute ago

When Juniris kicked her "had none" toe on the metal bed leg, how long did it take to fix?
A. Not as yet
B. 3 months
C. wearing moccies, so no pain

Which post Endometrial Ablation symptoms were experienced?
A. sore nose and chin
B. facial cheeks redder than 2 glasses of red wine
C. knee scarring - from casually checking low blood pressure a few days too soon, in a wander around back yard, resulting in a moccie snagged trip

How much diarrhoea can 2 daily high strength iron tablets cause?
A. none. Constipation is the normal bowel response
B. about a box of matches worth
C. new knickers required

How much "feedback" can a deaf, blind 20 year old cat give after eating contentedly every day, followed by a leisurely wander around the yard giving out a running commentary?
A. at least 2 weeks worth of shovelling up reminders, before peacefully expiring in the afternoon sun

What happens when you find out your great grandmother is buried just up the road, in an unmarked paupers grave?
A. Nothing as yet
B. take pics of site and send to older richer relatives
C. Purchase site and erect e-headstone, charge viewing fee, roll up roll up

What do you get when you take a trolley load of essentials on the train to a Uni student on a 4 degree day?
A. sore back
B. luke warm coffee, no sugar
C. strange looks

How long since was launched?
A. 2006
B. 2010
C. both

Dec 2009
Only a very foolish man would insist his wife ride on the back of a donkey - the boney ridge of a donkey’s backbone unequaled in the equine kingdom.
Yes a foolish man indeed, even if he believed his enormous bellied wife was only 6 months pregnant 7 at the most .
A thoughtful man would quietly and efficiently pre-arrange a birthing place and doula, months before the new head crowned.
A thoughtful man would have something set aside to bribe an inn-keeper for a decent room, even a promise to be the next night’s hairy pole dancer would suffice.
A man with adequate thought patterns would not surround a birthing woman with lowing beasts, especially NOT promise to milk the donkey, sheep or cow
just in case the woman’s breasts - unlike her healthy uterus - were not up to the task of nourishing the new born heir.
Ah foolish man who boils water and sets fire to damp hay, the smell setting off a new round of howls of abuse.
Sit or stand behind your groaning woman dear father to be. It will not be long now. Let her lean back into you, skillfully avoiding the reverse head butt.
Support her with your strong arms under her arm pits. Tell her of her magnificence. Repeatedly. Only move to the action end when you can see the new crown.
Catch your baby and raise him up to the deflated belly of his life force. Leave the cord and afterbirth alone. It will exit when ready and you can display your knotting ability, folding the red parcel over and under and through, then ease the knot towards your baby’s pink body.
Marvel at the oneness created by your baby suckling from the breast of your wife. Be amazed at their bond. Do not fuss and ask if he has had enough.
Do not allow another mammal to feed your flesh and blood with foreign milk, this will signal your seed to inflate your wife again giving you another baby every year.
Alright for those who ignore the laws of nature, but not advised for your sanity.
When all the fuss and adoration has eased, record the goodwill of your wife breastfeeding your newborn peacefully
and distribute that image each year to your family and friends.
It hasn’t been done as yet, and you may set a trend, dear wise man.

Nov 2009
There once was a bold, young lad named Brad Briggs. He sometimes made bad choices, but he lived in a Good City.
One night, after drinking way too much and meeting a fresh young lady, he decided to accompany her back to her house.
The lady, named Courtney, also sometimes made bad choices, so in that aspect, they were an ideal couple.
Her daddy may not have agreed, but absent fathers who have half raised daughters - who sometimes make bad choices -
often believe it has ‘nothing to do with them.’
Anyway, around midnight, Courtney and Brad giggled through her front door, announcing to the half asleep housemate they were
‘just having a bottle of wine,ok!’ because that is the way you ask permission to do a foolish thing.
Sophie, the ever asleep guard lab possibly woofed her disapproval, but then went back to chewing her pull along toy as Labradors do,
to ward off hunger pains.
Natalie, the unsuspecting house mate, may have been surprised and even annoyed when woken nine hours later by a knocking noise.
Was it her knees trembling as she realised a bold, young lad had stayed the night - who may or may not have murder most foul on his mind? Or was the knocking sound the can opener held in wet Sophie jaws with gentle slobber as a Labrador does a dead duck?
Possibly it was the front door responding to being beaten by an angry, young man named Nathan.
Nathan claimed exclusive Courtney ownership, and as is the strange choice with some young men, decided to declare it is mine, mine, mine with his fists.
The shirtless and shoeless, Brad Briggs was suddenly wishing he lived in Ballan, thankful he was well trained from slogging tennis balls
to immediately scale the back fence and grateful for his ability to zip up jeans as quickly as he could unzip.
Brad Briggs then had another choice to make. Would he continue pronto through the neighbour’s back yard or would he help himself to some extra covering? The white, long sleeved t-shirt hanging on the line looked just right, not too hot not too cold.
The blue velcrose runners at the back door were a bit suss but fitted fine and so Brad Briggs covered his torso and feet.
He was embarrassed indeed when the owner of the shirt appeared at the back door calling ‘puss, puss.’
Brad Briggs offered payment to the old man, who did not understand why his cat had turned into a young man and why his heart suddenly felt like having an attack. The old man did not want money, as he was unsure what would be expected in return.
Brad Briggs wanted refuge inside the old man’s home, from ‘those over there who are trying to bash me.’
That would not do at all thought the old man, who ushered the bashed along the garden path away from the bashers, down the side of the house to the front gate. Along the way the old man secretly admired the young man’s choice in shirts, musing he must still be fashionable as he had recently purchased one just like it.
Brad Briggs discovered his jeans still held his holy treasure intact, his mobile phone and thankfully the taxi company was already awake and working.
The old man quickly returned inside locking the back door firmly, to report to the old lady who was still doing her share of the snoring.
The old lady woke, listened to the garbled story and immediately rang 000. The young female Police Officers arrived moments after Brad Briggs departed in a Multi purpose taxi. The old lady’s first concern was for the welfare of Courtney and Natalie. Her second was for the return of her best gardening runners. The Police Officers checked on the young females and all still had their heads.
The old lady was unable to garden in her slippers and waited patiently for weeks for the return of her runners. Even Brad Briggs’ phone number would be useful for a gentle old lady type reminder. After all, Courtney’s post fight support friend Bonnie and collarless snarling dog Kye knew Brad Briggs, so it shouldn’t be too difficult to do the modern thing and text him.
Not listed in the book and no relatives listed to vouch for his words ‘I’ll bring them back. I promise.’
Oh Brad Briggs, Bradley Briggs, Briggsy to steal or to borrow?

Oct 2009
Monday morning Oath of Alligiance c 1960
Recited in unison with others, hand on heart, looking up at the flag:
"I love God
and my Country,
I honour our Flag
I serve our Queen
and cheerfully obey
my Parents, Teachers and the Laws"

Sunday night Oath of Hope c 2010
Chanted, with family, into the bathroom mirror:
"I have faith in my God.
I love my land, Australia.
I respect myself
and all other human beings.
I care for the land and all its creatures.
I will choose Right over Wrong,
Good over Evil
and Peace over War,
because I am the future."

Sep 2009
Deep in the back of any big chain variety store is the Plant Nursery and right in the back of that little sanctuary of fresh but humidly organic air, is the dead and dying section. This is usually a corroded metal stand missing one wheel that lurches out at the shopper with its burden of pitiful plants.
Some have one price sticker, but many have layers of prices each strangely ending in 1 cent. So, a plant that may have been originally expected to return the nursery $9.99 would now bring a sigh of relief at $2
and one cent.
The ones having a chance of being removed from the orphanage are not at the top, but buried behind vegetable seedlings that would be rejected by a starving baby rabbit. Catching clothing on bits of broken metal work is the added cost of the rescue mission...should you consider yourself an expert in resuscitation.
The top layer is expensive. Trays that held something at one stage of the growing process now, for 51 cents, could add 5 tablespoons to your garden bed of rather expensive dirt.
Pansies are the prettiest survivors of a swing in a plastic bag from the side of a shopping trolley and the occasional bump on the bus. Although a tasty treat to a curious possum, they are quick to revive from any neglect or unwelcome advances. if protected by a stockade of twigs and soon turn their delicate velvet faces and cheeky tongues to the sun.
Poking the plastic name tag adorned with stuttering yellow price stickers in behind the liberated plants, gives on going pleasure, as they are often intriguingly named with combinations of 'Lemon' and 'Berry' with the bonus of 'Ruffles' to cheer up the life guard as well as the flower bed.
May the creative naming consultant receive their one cent reward.

Aug 2009
Tummy aching, varicose vein throbbing
back creaking, heat pack working overtime
Cooking sherry looking good
come half past nine

I've got the 'Once every 28 days for 5 to 7 days' blues

Where does it all come from
as I scrub a red nighty clean
Suffer in silence is the reply
Why is nature so mean?

I've still got the 'Once every 28 days fer 5 to 7 days' blues

Just keepin' cotton workers workin'
and most of them fail the job
Do vampires need so many tea bags?
another stain and I start to sob

Why have I still got the 'Once every 28 days fer 5 to 7 days' blues

Loved all those pregnancies, I'm telling you
and all that breastfeedin'
such a luxury to have no bleedin'
Now I'm 56, lordy will my wish come true?
An end to my 'Once every 28 days, fer 5 to 7 days' blues

Just got a good dose of those 'Once every 28 days, fer 5 to 7 days' blues
I'll come good, don't dry my tears
I've just done 42 years,
'Once every 28 days fer 5 to 7 days' blues

I'm telling you

Jul 2009
As a child I nearly hid behind the back seat of the ‘53 Ford next to my sleeping siblings, when the pirates were invading the Swiss Family Robinson’s ideallic Island home. How would they overcome this terrible invasion of their tree top mansion? Would the family be forced to leave this paradise if they did survive? I managed to peek between the curtain of my fingers, yelling ‘Hoh’ in amazement when the ropes restraining a pile of poles were cut, bouncing them down on top of the baddies. My belief in the reality of the supposed headaches thus produced was considerably decreased by the echoing thunk of papier mache, hence my hoh, usually reserved for winning arguments with said siblings.
If I ever had an island the entire foreshore would be rigged with real stringy bark rolley poleies!
As a teenager, my fascination with Island living was rekindled with the arrival into our sparse lounge room of ‘Gilligan’s Island’. A lifestyle worth hankering over, even allowing for the ‘Hoh! As if that would wash up just when they needed one’ constant reproach.
When the gambling casino in Tasmania opened in the early 70s, with never to be repeated specials, we briefly experienced - 3 nights for $99 - a small land mass surrounded by water, although difficult to see the defining horizons
even from the top of the revolving restaurant.
Over the last few years in the course of family history research, it has been my pleasure to correspond with
an actual Island inhabitant, Elsie.
I have learned much about the reality of living girt by sea. The ferry and windy weather has produced some hair raising events. The mud flats at low tide have created more. Livestock don’t always enjoy the prospect of a boat trip. The postman’s bicycle doesn’t always run on time in the sand. The local newspaper comes out 4 times a year. Fresh food deliveries were not always the case. Introducing rabbits as an instant food source quickly created the Saturday afternoon activity, the rabbit drive. Solar batteries have a life of eight years tops but lack of power means a choice between watching telly and vacuuming. Neighbours are also relatives and not always friends. Secrets are not a possibility. An argument may mean missing out on attending church rather than using Sunday as a debating forum. A night out at the movies required more planning than a picnic. Picnics may require a visit by helicopter to hospital in event of snake bite. Dances, weddings and other celebrations were all held in the Hall in the middle of the Island, the flooring being transported years later to a new site rather than ferrying in another.
How did Elsie become a castaway? Her parents were part of a group of 200 strong religious types wiiling to forgo the unemployment of the 1890s to set up ‘Village Settlements’ on French Island. As part of the Perserverance Settlement, little Elsie attended Church of Christ Sunday School lessons at the Harrop’s wattle and daub ‘pug’ home near Harrop’s Hill. ‘I know the Harrops were buried on the island. My husband was driving the truck with the casket in it.’
In a brief phone call this month I was astounded almost to Hoh in disbelief. I had been exchanging phone calls and cards with Elsie while she spent a few weeks ‘respite’ holiday on the mainland. After spending her life on French Island off the coast of Victoria, Australia and a few weeks shy of her 95th birthday, Margaret ‘Elsie’ Cox has gone to live with God.
Jun 2009
The first three weeks of June are the hardest. I wander aimlessly clicking my gardening scissors hopefully
into every corner of the garden.
Each year all that blooms in the crisp air are white daisies with yellow centres okay for the kitchen, purple violets sweet for five minutes in the bathroom and a bunch of recalcitrant red berried cottoniasta as they droop forwards
like an embarrassed teenager in the hallway.
I have tried the little yellow waxy flowers that cling to the bare sticks of the intensely scented Japanese All Spice, but always surrendered with a headache.
There is still no sign of jonquils also victors in the ‘you’ll never pick me alive’ garden competition. There are a few tiny pale white bells on the shrub I bought for our Pearl anniversary, hardly worth ruining the bush.
Soon the daphne will scent the front yard and house, until then the gloom of winter adds to my sunless mood and I wander further afield to the service station for a bunch of whateverthey’ve got.
Suddenly, with the intake of breath associated with the word, I spy with my tired eyes a few pale delicate flowers in a straggly clump.
Growing outside the ugliest and most neglected Public Toilets since the glam of fast food lighting attracted visitors to our city, is a rare species indeed.
An iris that blooms in June! A find to lift the spirit and give meaning to an oft spelt out loud name.
Hello little Juniris. My maudlin murmer is heard only by myself, as I continue homeward bound, hoping the unfurling mauve and yellow will help another heart.
I will be back with my multi-purpose gardening scissors in the summer, to do some neighbourhood gardening.
May 2009
Married for 36 years and gave each other a cold. Mine a chesty spluttery one, his of course an animalia based, panic attack inducing, near death experience resulting in you’ll have to sleep in the other bed so I can stretch out.
Day time required two boxes of tissues, one each side of the reclining telly viewing pretend theatre armchairs. Use of cola cup holders as temporary savers of cough lollies detered. And Why Not I asked as it was his wriggling that dislodged my lemon and honey tea into the reservoirs requiring a clean up rivaling a tanker spill.
Fortunately my body had sensed impending doom the previous day and I had trollied to the supermarket and purchased the makings of soup for lunches and had sliced and inserted enough garlic into a half leg of roast lamb to deter zombies or other nasally challenged creatures.
Numb from morning tv I presented his lunch time soup after sucessfully wading through a mine field of white scrunchies. Luckily he was still able to operate the remotes from under the folds of blanky and we watched countless nausea inducing fast forwards until finding something pre recorded.
Roast would have tasted good except constant cough lollies had forced taste buds to take refuge under a layer of tongue blanky, nose almost functional after sniffing steamy ‘Vicks’ under a towel. A dose of cough mixture promised sleep but didn’t deliver. The need to put bed socks on, sweat profusely so take bedsocks off, start sneezing from sudden influx of cold air into sauna bed, led to a blurry few hours before midnight. A blunder into the kitchen for water, followed by a perilous toilet break incorporating sneezing and bladder control finally settled the body to sleep in a bed where
by daybreak some force had tightly rolled the bedding to the right and up.
The morning revealed half sucked cough lollies stuck in various spots, a radio oozing out morning news although who knows when it was turned on and an inability to talk without needing to cough out furballs.
Only 5 more days of the same and all will be well.
Apr 2009
I don’t have to read a catalogue to smell a bargain, just the change of season brings on the last of summer leftovers as well as the promise of winter specials way too undersized for the impatient purchaser.
So it was with exhileration this week after a bracing morning coffee and a little too much walnut muffin, I made my way via the $300,000 white vehicle to hunt.
First a cautious flick through the bra section. One wrong move and they would all tumble, catching each others multi pronged moulded plastic coat hangers in a tangle to stretch even a mother’s patience. All the good sizes already gone of course. Never mind, should have skulled that coffee a little earlier.
Over to knickers. Pink overly bright but only $1:79 easily spotted. Then to dark brown pull on stretch trousers $9:99 with not a skerrick of cotton, made instead from the type of polyester that created permanently creased random folds from being in a packing box under an elephant.
Finally a rummage in the shoe bin to eventually locate under the treasure chest the exact pair of size 12 green leather sandals required for daughter. Found a stool to squat on and manoevered sandals onto one of my feet. Of course they were actually a size 9, could tell that from just looking.
Ooh said my stomache, all this bending is not going to end well.
I rushed my pile of proposed purchases to the checkout, trying to calmly ask the girl to ‘hold them’ for 20 minutes as I had suddenly developed indigestion, instead stammering bulb pen while dabbing away a line of perspiration from my upper lip.
I breathed deeply in the autumn air outside, holding onto a solar parking meter for cold comfort. A few steps away, the traffic lights and another cold pole. Across the road Public Toilets beckoned. A tree recieved a hug then I managed to prop open the main ladies door with my multi-purpose shopping bag, just in case sleeping on concrete floor all day until discovered became an accidental activity.
Less than 20 minutes later refreshed and definitely empty of any bodily fluids or solids, I returned to dear Dimmey’s to purchase lovely polyester trousers and the remainder of my bargains. They even let me use the change rooms. Golly I love Dimmey’s.
Mar 2009
Our family of five reunited and safe, even sang thanks in unison for the refreshing light showers.
All gathered to squabble as usual over food portions.
Youngest two looked fetching in their matching dappled grey,
first born a little scruffy as though he had been through tough times,
seniors calmly and proudly checking clean washing on line
before depositing graceful blobs
and flying up to tv arial to survey other mince options.
Feb 2009
We have had our own doses of smoke from the lake being on fire twice in the last 2 months.
Council has mowed around the edge trying to eradicate the ‘fairy grass’ that grows then blows into the rich people’s gardens.
On Sat 7th Feb we had all been warned of the dreadfully dangerous strong, hot northerly winds and extreme temperatures well in advance, so when we spotted blue smoke from our back yard we assumed it was the lake again.
We kept watch on the apple and plum trees for embers, going out every 10 mins into the furnace blast,
but all was fine in our backyard. Found out the next day there was a garage fire 4 doors away!
Nothing of course compared to the tragedies throughout the state, including 2nd cousin old Bob Harrop of Flowerdale.
Jan 2009
Now, where was up this morning ate vitabrits for breakfast and dressed in a red and white striped play suit
no, that was a while ago...
Bounced out of bed at 7am to dampen towels and sheets hanging around the house with the water bottle sprayer,
in an effort to maintain a reasonable internal temperature.
Sprayed self and fell back onto bed.
No magpies today - too hot
Fluffy still lives, accepted her breakfast as passable, grumbled throughout her daily brushing, reappeared at kitchen door an hour early for her miiilk.
Oh Black and White One flopped on black and white tiles ignoring his ping pong ball.
Washed up 2 days worth of dishes, as I didn't want to chase breakfast cereal around a dinner plate.
Bucketed shower water around back yard. Zucchini plants still surviving in vege patch.
Salads all finished, have to think of something else for tea. The box of felafel balls at the back of the freezer is starting to look tempting.
News reports the last 3 days of 40-45 degree temperatures a record.
I'd wear a wet hanky knotted in each corner on my head all day, but it might start a fashion trend.
Opted for triangular white wet face washer around back of neck.
Very alluring. Fetching in fact.

Top of Page


1:00am : Why does the snorer not hear themselves snore?
7:00am : Is a morning fart nature's alarm clock?
8:00am : Natural vs Created bed hair
9:00am : Cereal and peaches vs Raisin bread and tea.
9:30am : Sensodyne toothpaste is painfully cold.
10am : Is 3 ply toilet paper 3 times better?
10:30am : Have a "Hoh" tick ready when checking email.
11am : When walking, mutter "To the Left."
11:15am On the way to buy meat, whistle up any wandering dogs.
11:30am : "Moo" at anyone who wanders across the road.
11:45am : Give each bit of washing its own set of pegs.
12:30pm : Don't eat a ploughman's lunch unless you've dug a paddock.
1:00pm : Lunch time TV induces indigestion.
2:00pm : Only pat a cat until it drools.
2:15pm : Posties only deliver after you have checked the letterbox.
2:16pm : Once every thousand times, there will be a spider in the letterbox.
2:21pm : A watched for bus is always late.
2:30pm : For the sake of fack, don't swear in Public Spaces.
3:00pm : Cappucino is best when it is the last stamp on your card.
3:30 pm : A bus load of school bags tests everyone's patience.
3:35 pm : Resist the temptation to laugh at the 6 year old who yells out 'Bye Effin' to his mate
then winces at the reproach of his young mother, saying 'But that's what you call him!'
4:00pm : A home Roast of Everything is the easiest solution.
4:15pm : An armful of clean magpie poo free washing is a gift from God.
4:30pm : The 4:30pm News is not as gross as the 6pm News.
5:00pm : Why does the 'Mash' theme give me nightmares?
5:30pm : Torment the blowies with gravy smells.
6:00pm : Gravy always dribbles.
6:30pm : Avoid the mush that is 6:30pm telly by washing dishes.
7:00pm : Never miss the '7pm Report.' Hughsey is close.Very close.
7:30pm : Ring old people re family history research.
8:30pm : Guess who did it to the body in the Thames.
10:00pm : Sensodyne toothpaste is viciously cold.
10:30pm : Try out cotton wool earplugs.
12:00pm : Check backyard for noisy werewolf.

Top of Page

5 Minute Australian comedy scripts for skits
suitable for film / video or stage production

copyright Juniris Harrop  2011

"The Sounds of a Home"
Director will plan :
the number of adults in the house eg grandparents, divorce, remarriage, blended families
the number of children & pets to grow up in the house
the size, layout, upstairs downstairs etc
and the overall story of the sounds heard by the house

Darkened stage, silhouette of house / roof

Each actor has a set of sound effects to make at various intervals
and from various points on the stage
fading and less repitition to indicate passing of time
Voices/speech/ babble may be used only as an indication of human presence, rather than being the main sound effect

Flicker of light as matches are struck to light an open fire which burns low then brightly with each baby born
then flares and fades throughout play as children grow up and leave home and grandparents and old pets die

Sounds of woman in labour, new born baby crying then snuffling with sounds of nursing
Jingle of pet bells and toys, budgie, kitten, puppy
Door knockers and bells for front and side doors
Key in lock
Toddler footsteps in slippers with bells
Another newborn baby cry
Lullaby tinkly toy
Washing machine
Drilling, hammering making things noises
Indoor ride-on toy scooting sounds
Tricycle bells
Fix me I'm sick bell
Third newborn baby sounds
Bath noises
Cat and dog collar bells no budgie bell
Come to dinner gong
Cutlery noises
Scraping of chairs
Radio tuned into various stations throughout the play
TV tuned to various chanels throughout the play
Creaking of specific floorboards as night time trips are made to toilet
Mid night train passing noises
Bicycle bells
Skate board / roller blade noises
Slamming doors, flapping flyscreens
Fly swats
Ceiling fans
Exhaust fans
Smoke detectors
Shower noises
Mobile phone tones
Text message received tones
Answering machine
Car / taxi horns
Dog bell but no cat bell
Old style phone ring
Kettle noises
Ticking of one old fashioned clock

copyright Juniris Harrop  2011

"Eggs delivered"
Establishing shot :
Mid morning country farm with hens in yard.
Ute drives down dusty drive towards camera and main road.
A row of 3 large country-style post boxes are visible beside the driveway
 eg a drum with ends cut out, a mini windmill on top of a packing box, an old style milk can
Interior of ute shot from passenger door side
Older male driving, dressed in clean work shirt
Older female dressed for town, is talking on mobile phone with one hand steadying a basket of egg cartons
Traffic is slow to pass, neighbors waving, tractors slowly towing equipment
Older female talks loudly into phone, "if you're out by the time we get there, we'll leave them in the letterbox"
Cut to Town shot
younger 'greens' student male strolls out of sharehouse to small letterbox
opens letterbox to flood of eggs & shells
young female joins him says "told you to order them on line"

copyright Juniris Harrop  2010

"Fan forced oven." copyright Juniris Harrop 28 December 2009

Establishing shot :
Exterior of a double storied university student share house in Inner city Melbourne.
Derelict bike on front verandah, along with a supermarket trolley, rubbish and recycling bins.
'Invisible camera operator' zooms in on a sign in the front window “Primary aged students tutored in English every Tuesday night”
'Invisible camera operator' zooms in on a “Merry Chrissmas” wreath made by a child which is taped with grey packing tape to the front door.

'Invisible camera operator' sneaks camera over to the recycling bin.
Shot of inside of Recycling bin shows a bin full of empty beer cans as well as 'green' drinks - Juice Bar containers, orange juice bottles.

Interior of Student share house
'Invisible camera operator' takes us down the entrance hall, past a fancy 'double decker' shopping trolley with
an empty large cold storage bag.
'Invisible camera operator' lets us peek swiftly into 2 front rooms which have mattresses with sleeping bags on the floor
and overnight bags.

Interior shot from door into lounge / dining area with kitchen in background.
A side exit door leads to the backyard.
Table in dining area is up against the wall and is covered with Xmas wrapping paper, pistachio nut shells and chocolate wrappers.
The old lounge is covered with new socks, underpants and nighties, labels still attached and several paper receipts lay in a pile.
The focus and sound is on the father aged about 47 - 57 years, 2 adult sons and adult daughter all aged between 18 and 30 years
relaxing after opening Christmas presents in the dining / lounge area,
but the action is with mother.
Mother is ‘of menopausal age’ about 45 - 55 year, flushed and a bit ditzy, slaving in kitchen stirring gravy, microwaving peas,
noisily swapping ill fitting trays around in the oven,
each time being almost knocked over by a blast of hot air from the fan forced oven.
A bad Xmas cd is playing, possibly a school concert recording, adult daughter keeps resetting it with remote control to the worst track - the 12 days of Christmas -
while lovingly admiring her new ‘Vanessa Amorosi’ cd
Father has reluctantly surrendered his laptop computer to Adult Son 1

Adult son 1 explaining the failings of Father’s laptop to all
Son 1 “I could probably fix that if you want to leave it with me overnight”
Father has an expression of horror as though remembering other fixing attempts.
Son 1 “ I can download a program right now that will allow you more ease of use....”

Father has new beer stubby holder with a ‘green’ beer and seems to be listening while absorbed in de-pipping olives with olive pitter.
“I see how this works...”

Adult son 2 playing with Christmas gifts - putting spare change into a money bottle that counts the amount
and reading the instructions on a 'Bonsai Potato' kit.

Mother: “Table!” and makes a sweeping motion with left arm as her right hand is struggling to hold a tray of roasted vegetables.

Others pause in mid sentence then continue talking.
Son 1 “I’m tapping into the upstairs ...wireless network”
Son 2 “I took $250 in small change to the bank last year... It filled my backpack and two carry bags”
Daughter “I used to play this ... on the clarinet at school”
Father “I could get used to this ... ‘green’ beer”

Mother’s attention is taken by finding a large mug, then ‘sterilising’ it for the gravy as there is no jug in any cupboard.
Mother turns around to see no action has occured.

Mother : “Table!” growled through gritted teeth smile.

Father : “We may need to clear all this. Now.”

Son 2 makes as though he may do the magician’s trick of pulling the table cloth from under everything.

Son 1 : “No..." and laughingly indicates his preferred option of wrapping all rubbish into the tablecloth
and tucking it behind the couch.

Daughter scoops all rubbish into a blue plastic ‘Patient’s Clothing’ carry bag as sons rescue uneaten chocolates and
bowl of de-pitted olives, just in time,
then she shrugs and stuffs the bag behind the couch.

Son 1 continues to hold lap top computer in right hand, while helping Son 2 turn the table around and into position
in the centre of room.

Chairs are arranged, blocking the side exit doorway,
plates and knives & forks are distributed.

son 1 continues explanation of computer uses / operational details
Son 1 “If this doesn’t work then...Ah! So Close...nah, no go” as he reluctantly abandons computer to the top of the pile of underwear
and drains his glass of Coke Zero.

Mother strips off apron
Mother: “Toilet” as she heads to the blocked door and gives up after futile attempts to squeeze past still talking son 1
Son 1 “ The new programs are 100% better than this crap”

Son 2 “Mum. Use the upstairs one”

Sound catches the family passing hot trays of vegetables, bowl of peas, balls of stuffing and re heated, pre sliced turkey and ham,
using folded old teatowels as oven mitts.
Son 2 “Hot. Hot. Hot.” as he neglects to take the mitt.
Daughter “Just use the tongs to grab a load. Don’t name each bit”
Father “ Will this be enough turkey for everyone?”

'Invisible camera operator' and sound withdraws from dining /kitchen area to follow mother up the first flight of steep stairs
then leads her up the remaining few, which she crawls.

'Invisible camera operator' waits outside bathroom to sounds of huffing, sneezing, splashing water and nose blowing.

'Invisible camera operator' follows mother’s cautious grunting descent clutching the banister
sound of kitchen conversation takes over
Son 1 “Coke Zero?”
Son 2 “Orange Juice”
Daughter “Proper Coke!”
Mother squeezes into her chair, then observing everyone else drinking, looks at her empty glass
Mother “Water?”
As the computer instruction is still ongoing, mother rises and gets a glass of tap water
Son 1 “When this is up and running you’ll be able to watch videos”

Father is seated with back to camera.
Father raises his stubby as a salute
“Good idea having Christmas here. Thank you for inviting us young man. Makes me proud.” Nods to Son 2 “Much easier on Mum.”
Mother splutters into glass of water.
Daughter “So, how was your operation, Mum?”
Mother looking bemused: "Just a wee"
Daughter impatiently : "Not just now!" nodding towards upstairs toilet "I meant a couple of weeks ago!"
Father interrupts “Picnic compared to mine. Want to see my scar?”
Father rises and prepares to down trousers.

'Invisible camera operator' trips over in scurry to catch the money shot

Fade to black

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"Cat Woman meets Dog Man." copyright Juniris Harrop 9 Jan 2010

Part 1
Establishing shot:
An old woman aged about 80 yrs is feeding 3 cats at her back door.
Interior shot:
Same old woman scraping cold ashes from her woodfired stove into a bucket which she then carefully tips into a shoe box,
puts on the cardbord lid and places it next to 2 other shoe boxes on her kitchen bench.
She then rips up newspaper and shoves it into the firebox, covering it with bits of bark and chips of wood, lights it shakily with a match, then closes the fitrebox door. She fills and slides a kettle into place on the stove.
Outdoor shot:
Same old woman pushing a trolley along a footpath, a shoebox balanced on top of various bags. A small shovel is visible.
In the distance we can see a Cemetery.
Outdoor shot:
Same old woman patting a shoebox sized mound of dirt at the foot of an old grave site.
Indoor shot:
Same old woman sitting in a chair in front of her stove enjoying a cup of tea.

Part 2
Establishing shot:
An old man about 80 yrs old feeding 3 dogs at his back door.

Part 3
Establishing shot:
A long shot. The front gate of Cemetery
The old man and old woman can be seen in the distance approaching the Cemetery from opposite directions.
It is another day, different clothes.

Part 4
Interior shot old woman’s kitchen
The old man and old lady are enjoying a cup of tea.
Old Woman “ Well, then she said to me, she said, ‘try burning the kitty litter’ and I thought, I don’t have a litter of kittens”
Old Man “ Did you get some?”
Old Woman “ A litter of kittens? Yes. I got some all right. That Spring there was a litter of kittens right enough”
Old Man “ What are they like?”
Old Woman, warming her hands at stove, “ Good. Very good.”
Old Man, reflects deeply, then says, “My friend told me dogs are the best. Dogs keep you warm at night.”

Part 5
Interior shot of old man's lounge room. Photos of his dogs adorn walls, cushions are dog embroidery, nicknacks are dog themed.
Old Woman and Old Man are seated demurely at opposite ends of the couch.
A litter of kittens (in a basket) meows playfully between them.
Old Man : "I like your pussies."
Old Woman as she sidles closer, "Meow"
They embrace awkwardly to the sounds of squished/ panicking kittens.

Part 6
Interior shot of Old Woman's lounge room. Photos of cats adorn walls, curtains are cat patterned, nicknacks are cat themed.
The Old Woman and Old Man are seated close together on the couch. Two pups romp over them.
Old Woman "Thank you for the pups. Do you like my puppies?"
Old Man "Woof"
They begin to remove each others cardigans, covering the pups to muffled dog whimpering sounds.

Part 7
Establishing shot, Exterior shot of graveyard.
The Old Man and Old Woman are holding hands in front of an old grave
embellished with a row of shoebox sized mounds of dirt around the edge.
Some alyssum plants are blooming over the grave
Old Man "Was very clayey soil."
Old Woman "Needed some fertilizer"

Part 7
Interior of Old Woman's lounge. A mixture of dog and cat cushions, curtains and nicknacks.
Old Woman's daughter has some pamplets and is trying to have a conversation about shifting into a retirement home.
Old man is wearing Old Woman's cardigan, unbuttoned. Old Woman is wearing Old Man's cardigan incorrectly buttoned.
Old Woman's daughter : "I think you may have dementia" She repeats dementia, pronouncing the word slowly.
Old Woman standing up from the couch and fluffing a cushion as if to clear the air "I didn't realise I'd farted"
Old Woman turns to re-arrange the cushions, bending over the couch and actually farts loudly
Old Man thinking it was himself : "I beg your pardon"
Old Woman's daughter gasps for air, gurgling.
Old Woman "Don't mention it" pronouncing the words as slowly as her daughter.

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"Op Shop party." copyright Juniris Harrop 10 Jan 2010

Establishing shot:
Big bins overflowing with ‘donations’ outside a supermarket.
Establishing shot 2:
a kalidescope / slideshow of 3 women in their 50s trying on a multitude of Summer styled green & gold clothes, shoes,
scarves, beads, hats
in several different change rooms at different Opportunity / Thrift / Secondhand clothing Shops
Some outfits look good but reveal problems:
- a twirl shows the zipper struggling to close
- rear view shows the trousers have saggy 'elephant' bum.
- trying to walk in high heels makes knees bow.
- movement creates static
- impregnated perfume smell is overpowering
Each woman begins to show the strain of shopping and trying on clothing with hair becoming dishevelled,
blisters / limping, constant swigging at water bottles.

Establishing shot 3:
Exterior of a church run Op Shop, in the Supper Hall / Sunday School, sign on front door lists opening hours.
The three women in their 50s each carrying bags full of clothing, approach hastily looking at watches,
open door and almost shove each other aside to get in.
Interior of Church Op Shop:
Church Lady 1 : “Just in the nick of time ladies. Are you looking for anything in particular?”
Woman 1 “Green and Gold outfits for an Australia Day party Size 14”
Woman 2 subtly correcting Woman 1 “Maybe size 16 or even 18”
Woman 3 is already scanning the clothing racks.

Church Lady 1 disappears into back room, whispers to Church Lady 2 who is sitting down with her feet up, holding a cup of tea
and balancing 2 chocolate slices on a plate
Church Lady : 1 "Where's that horrible gold thing we were going to toss out"
Church Lady 2 is too tired - and has a mouthful of slice - to speak, so she nods to a box in the corner marked Tip.
Church Lady 1 reappears with a polyester gold dress.
Church Lady 1 : “This just came in...$4”
Woman 2 “That’s you!” indicating Woman 1
Woman 3 holding up a green pants suit “Look. Mother Nature!”
Woman 1 “Try on?”
All nod enthusiastically as Church Lady 1 points the way to the toilets which double as a change room.

Interior of ‘change room’ which has 2 mirrors, one resting on the floor, the other attached to the wall above it, giving a
broken 'clown arcade' reflection.
Marg puts the lid down and takes a seat on the toilet, stretching her legs and cooing reassuringly at both outfits.

Exterior of same Church Op Shop
Church Woman 2 is bringing in the sign as the three women bustle out.
Woman 3 “Thanks again. You wouldn’t believe how many beads I’ve tried on, but these are just right.”
Others pat their shopping bags contentedly.
Woman 2 “And thanks for the cuppa, my tongue was sandpaper”
Woman 1 “ You should have stopped admiring that young man at the Salvos a bit sooner”
Woman 3 “ Ok All set then? See you at my place 8pm sharp.”
Woman 2 checking watch which is only 2pm “Good. Plenty of time for tea and a little nanna nap first”
Woman 1 “This Australia Day party will be The Hottest Yet!”
Woman 2 flushed with menopause "Thanks Sherlock!"

Establishing shot : Night time 10 pm. Exterior of house where a party is in full swing.
Shot from across the street.
Front door opens and our 3 women exit, carrying shoes and hats, slamming the door behind them.
Woman 1 yelling a parting shot over her shoulder : "Well don't be expecting an invite to our party next year!"
The 3 women are hobbling along the warm footpath in single file
Woman 1 “Bloody bugger bitch bum”
Woman 2 “Bitch bitch bitch”
Woman 3 : “Why didn't she warn us?"
Woman 2 : "Probably getting us back for not inviting her on our last cappuccino crawl."
Woman 3 : "Do you think she was wearing her togs?”
Woman 1 snorting “Needed ironing”
Woman 2 “ All body paint, just body paint”
All sigh and shake their heads, blink and squint eyes as though trying to erase an unwanted mental picture.
Woman 3 twirling in her lovely green "Mother Nature" pants suit “She probably only spent 5 minutes and $5”

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“A Westie Warning.” copyright Juniris Harrop 15 Jan 2010

A One Act Play
Sign at rear of Stage says ‘Licensed Supermarket’
5 sets are required
The Stage divided in half
Stage left doubles as set for
Set 1 Baby Feed and Change Room
Set 3 Bottle Shop of Licensed Supermarket

Stage Right doubles as Public Lady’s Toilet
Set 4 The 12 items or less checkout of Supermarket

To be brought on to Stage front centre - A bus silhouette (the lower half of a passenger bus) with at least 3 windows
and a driver’s seat at front. ‘Doors’ at front and towards rear.

Set 1 - Baby feed and change room
Set 2 - Lady’s toilet

Mother in Baby Feed and Change room is preparing to purchase drugs. There is no baby or pram.
Mother “Where did I put the friggen thing?”
6 year old boy “What are you looking for, Mummy? I can find it for you”
Mother angrily “Not friggen lolly pops, that’s for sure, sticky beak!”
6 year old boy moves quickly to protect his 3 year old brother.
Mother’s Girlfriend “Yous two’d be better off having a play next door” and she ushers them out into a dark space between the 2 sets
A white curtain descends or two stage hands dressed in black wheel on a white sheet nailed to a frame
and the 2 women become dark silhouettes lit from behind.
Enter the shadow of a stranger and the 3 engage in a drug purchase.

Children cautiously enter Lady’s Toilet from the dark space in between the sets
There is no one in the toilet cubicles.
6 year old boy breathing a sigh of relief “My turn first” and he swings around a support pole, then does a ‘sexy giration.’
3 year old boy stands back respectfully.

Old lady enters Lady’s Toilet, nearly colliding with a pair of swinging legs.
3 year old’s eyes widen in surprise and suspicion.
Old Woman surveys the scene then says in a No Nonsense Voice “Where is your mother? Does she know you are in here?”
Old Woman proceeds to a cubicle without waiting for an answer, as she (sound effect) locks the cubicle, the boys continue to play.
The 6 year old is standing on the bench, leaning over the pole and encouraging his little brother.
6 year old “Hold on tight. Now put that hand up higher, now the other hand.”
The 3 year old is struggling to haul himself up the pole, doing little bunny hops.
A white curtain descends or two stage hands dressed in black wheel on a sheet nailed to a frame and the 2 boys freeze in bunny / funny / childish silhouettes as the action returns to Set 1

Set 1 - Baby feed and change room
Mother giggling “Shit that’s fun.”
Girlfriend with resignation “May as well wait til we get home.” Then, with inspiration “Let’s go get some cans of Bourbon and Coke.”
Girlfriend leaves Baby Feed and Change Room and yells to the 2 boys.
Girlfriend “Come with us now”

Set 2 - Door of Lady’s Toilet
The Old Woman is still in the cubicle (sound effects may include wind-pain noises and two flushes of toilet)
The 2 boys quickly stop playing/ giggling when they hear the repeated command "Come with us now"
and the 2 boys exit the Lady’s Toilet into the dark space between the two sets.

Set 1 - Baby feed and change room
The two women leave unwanted rubbish on the floor / seat and exit the Baby Feed and Change room, drag the 2 boys from the dark space with a ‘hurry up’ and point as an explanation towards the Licensed Supermarket.
Exit stage right

Set 1 is removed from behind the curtain which lifts or two stage hands dressed in black wheel wheel it off, revealing
Set 3 Bottle Shop of Licensed Supermarket

Set 2 - Door of Lady’s Toilet
The Old Lady exits Lady’s Toilet rearranging clothing in a double double-check, looks up at Supermarket sign, checks her watch and scabbles in purse for list and shopping bag then heads off with cloth carry bag ready over arm. Exit stage right.

Set 2 is removed from behind the white curtain then lifted or two stage hands dressed in black wheel it off, revealing
Set 4 The 12 items or less checkout of Supermarket

Set 3 Bottle Shop of Licensed Supermarket
The 2 boys are swinging on the security bars, occasionally setting off the ‘bing bong’ alarm.
The cash register operator looks at them with a bored expression.
The 2 women are perusing the cold cans of Bourbon and Coke at the back of the store.
The Girlfriend pays for 6 cans of Boubon & Coke and 6 cans of Coke Zero
Cash Register operator “You want a bag with that?”
Girlfriend looking for an argument : “Of course I do! Two of them! We’ve got to carry them a long way. Do you expect the kids to carry them?”
Cash Register operator puts each 6 pack into a separate plastic bag.
The Mother uses the distraction to quietly steal a small bottle of whisky which she tucks into her boot / pocket.
As they Exit the ‘bing bong’ alarm goes off
Mother yelling angrily “Stop mucking around. That noise is driving me crazy”
The cash register operator glances over at the 2 clear plastic bags one held by each woman and decides to serve the next customer.
The 2 Women and 2 boys exit stage left

Set 4 The 12 items or less checkout of Supermarket
Old Woman is chatting with Cash Register Operator while holding open her other shopping to be checked and packing her few purchases into her cloth carry bag.
Old Woman : “Lucky me beating the queue. I’ll be in time for the bus as well”
Cash Register Operator automatically “Do you want a bag with that” then laughing as she realises she has already been shown the shopping bag “Of Course not, silly me. Sometimes I forget to see (pause ) and hear things.”
Old Woman exits stage left.

Set 5 Bus at stage front is slid / wheeled on by stage hands dressed in black.
(Bus may be lower half only, allowing action to be seen and chairs used as seats.)
Driver on seat at front opposite front door (sound effect of door opening / closing)
Passengers can be seen through at least 3 large windows.
Old Woman (sound effect) as she swipes her card “Not a very long wait, I suppose”
Driver : “ Not long”
Old Woman sits halfway down the bus. Arranges her shopping on her lap in case others need the seat next to her.
A few other passengers get on.
A woman pops her head through the bus door and asks the driver “Does this go to the West?”
Driver indicates towards the sign on the front of the bus “I hope that’s what it says”
The driver checks his watch, (sound effect - closes the doors), checks for traffic, (sound effect -clicks on the indicator) when the 2 boys suddenly appear at the bus door followed by the Mother and Girlfriend both out of breath and banging on the closed door
(sound effect)
Driver (sound effect opening door) “Lucky”
2 Boys squeeze past the adults and sit in the space reserved for prams.
Mother : Rumaging in bag, hoping driver will wave her on. “I’ve got tickets somewhere. I think they may have expired. Here..” swiping a card “That’s still good.”
Girlfriend goes to the seat behind the old lady and sits down.
Mother : “ I guess I will have to pay for another ticket.” Presents driver with $10 and waits impatiently for the change.
Mother “Come on boys up the back”
Boys obediently follow mother. 3 year old pauses, wide eyed when he recognises the Old Lady, then sits next to his brother who has swung on the pole and into the seat.
Driver (sound effect - closes the doors), checks for traffic, (sound effect -clicks on the indicator and soft sound effects of travel / traffic)
Girlfriend : “ Told you”
Mother : “Geez I’m looking forward to getting home and getting wasted. I am so having a long shower as soon as I step inside.
Stuff Water Restrictions!”
(Sound effect) Drink can opening.
Mother “Here have one of my cokes. Coke Zero. I was good girl to pick that, eh?””
Girlfriend “Ta”
Mother : “Pass me one of those Bourbons will ya?”
Girlfriend : "Can’t you wait til we get home?”
Mother: (sound effect of can being opened) “Oops. How did that happen”
Passenger behind Mother and Girlfriend “Hey! You can’t drink grog on the bus.”
Another Passenger, possibly an ‘Old Drunk’ “Nah. Not unless you’ve got enough for everybody.”
Old Lady turns to Mother and Girlfriend and speaks in her No Nonsense Voice : “ Are you drinking alcohol on the bus? First I see your 2 boys playing in the Ladies Toilets without an adult in sight and now you’re drinking alcohol on the bus!”
Mother “Do you work for freaken Social Security? Well we’ve got our case covered already.”
Old Lady “Maybe I do.”
Mother continues to drink from can of Boubon.
Old Lady “Excuse me, Driver! There is alcohol being consumed on the bus.”
Driver pulling into Bus Stop (sound effect of indicator and doors opening) “Get Off!”
Mother to Old Lady : “I’d give you what you deserve, but you are Old”
Girlfriend “Don’t make a fuss. You know what happened last time!”
The 2 boys exit back door of bus followed by Mother who has been quickly ushered off the bus by her Girlfriend.
Old Lady as a parting shot “Did YOU teach them pole dancing?”
Driver quickly shuts the back door as Mother looses any control over her life that she may have had.
Mother screaming “Whatever happens to them now, is down to you!”
Mother walks threateningly over to boys then struts back to the bus “I’ve had a good look at you and I’ll be keeping a lookout for you.” pointing at her own eyes then back at the bus load of passengers.
New passengers are getting on the bus, partly obscuring the ranting Mother who continues to pace and yell.
Another Old Lady who has just got on the bus “Are they friends of yours?”
Old Lady shrugging “Bar of Soap. Don’t know them from a Bar of Soap”
Another Old Lady : “Could do with a mouth wash that one.”
Old Lady “I’ve been warned, that’s for sure, along with several free adjectives!”
Bus driver (sound effects ) closes doors, checks traffic, puts on indicator and drives.
Curtain closes enough to cover the Bus, revealing the 2 boys swinging around the Bus Stop pole in a spotlight.

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"How I watch 'The 7pm Project." copyright Juniris Harrop  2010

If you would like to use any portion of the following story :
"How I watch 'The 7pm Project'"
please credit me in some way
eg from the webpage
or written by Juniris Harrop of Ballarat

Done the dishes without being asked or told and no whingeing and it wasn’t even my turn.
Hand lotion is too runny. Must buy the original intensive sort, but thank you for trying anyway, lotion company. Elbows done with the excess, sleeves rolled back down.
I place cup of tea on the lovingly made little table in the lounge and balance plate out of reach of ‘that looks nice’ range. Bread and butter plate is adorned with a slice of spoils from last visit to Melbourne, a chocolate infused croissant type plaited roll, now hewn into mouth sized bits.
I sit. I pull recline button. Feet go up, but aeroplane does not take off. I peel off right leg varicose vein support, a length of trusty tubigrip. I lay it over my leg where it may stay, stay, stay or slide off onto the floor or somehow down the side of the couch.
I pick up glasses case, remove tv watching glasses polish them with own especially supplied rag. Put on glasses, transform into old librarian.
Nestle head into anti-madagascar hair lotion cover and elbows relax on anti - Vaseline hand lotion covers.
Hear Megaphone Charlie announce ‘Starting Now!’ Close eyes for flashing bits in case epilepsy Starts Now aged 56.
Look at panalists clothing. My! Doesn’t gayboygeek suit Charlie. That tie looks so cute with the squared checked pattern, much more arty than rectangles. The summery short sleeves looking flirtacious balanced by the butler efficiency of the dark vest. Maybe his clothes inspire the A+ biro twiddling routine.
Pity I had to Return Immediately for Cash Back my selection of totally unacceptable don’t ever buy me clothes again Christmas fashion checks.
Oh goody Denise is on, an informed point of humour.
Doesn’t she keep her grey hair a nice shade of ash blonde. Also, good management of chest scaffolding.
Admire prettydoll Carrie, getting a bit too skinny now. Recall all her naughty segments on Rove and wonder who is cuddling her baby. Forget to look at any news, which has been on radio all day any way. Raise leg onto cushion for increased relief.
Ad break. Drink a bit of now cooled tea and a mouthful of yum.
Furniture ad prompts Old Man to recall “Remember that stupid movie with Barbra Striesand in it. The base was over by the heater and the bauble was way over the other side of the room. Well I saw one like that and it was $800 in silver or white, but we only want a two bulb stand for behind the couch, don’t we? She hit Ryan O’Neil with it. ‘What’s up Doc’ that’s it.”
Must remember not to press mute next ads.
Log on to our webpage for tickets or to vote on something incredibly unimportant...but I’m watching telly. Don’t make me go back down to that torture box made in 2005 and in need of an axe attack.
And back to 7pm Project.
Ooh Hughsey is loosing it, the chunky bits that is, such a sexy beast. Wonder who is cuddling his baby? Is he baking another one yet? Will he take a bit of time off to relax with his little family? Doesn’t he know babies don’t keep.
Another swig of tea, a swallow and taste of Melbourne.
Some ‘wouldn’t you think’ moments commented on efficiently by Hughsey, when the reception starts to click and clack must be going to rain because the screen freezes Hughesy in a bizarre impressionist painting right in the middle of a tongue in cheek smirk.
Then with another click and clack motion is restored and some expert is on, being made to look even more educated by a split screen. Last one I saw gave a commanding appearance as a young Lurch with his deep black eyebrows, black hair and black coat. Real people for real viewers.
Then another ad break. Finish off tea and sweet stuff.
Michael Buble pretending to be sweaty and sporty.
Fat people being tortured until they haven’t the breath to say No, stop poking me with a stick!
The gruff man speaks menacingly about a flashy movie.
The place with a pond and no fence where your kids can drown for free while you sit in a doublestoried box.
Then a new 7pm guest. What are they plugging and how come they don’t have to Earn Their Plug?
More whip around. The stars of each State barely get to draw breath. Could we see a week where “Holding it til you turn blue” could be an entire segement?
That’s all. Over too soon. If I hurry I can still use the hose for half an hour. No I think we’ve changed to drips later on at night.
Oh well upsadaisy. Find elusive leg support. Find end of leg. Toes. I can still reach them. Pull on leg support. Push down on foot raiser bit of couch. Oops. Coleslaw. Can I blame that on the squeaky chair? If I shuffle loudly into slippers, maybe I’ll be clear before the zephyr finds a nostril. Til tomorrow dear '7pm Project.'

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"The Marooned Commodore." copyright Juniris Harrop  2010

After settling into bed at 10 pm I mistakenly thought it would be easy to drift off after the tedium which is now ‘The Bill’
However, after trying the usual cotton wool barrier and comfy positions, I removed my old self at midnight from the exhausted snoring of a man who had spent all day sniffing paint fumes, which were not diluted by a light beer or two.
In the absence of traffic and singing drunks waltzing by, the quiet of the visitor’s bedroom allowed me to listen to the 1am news then actually fall asleep.
At 2am the ‘look at me, look at me’ sound of unnecessarily fast acceleration out of the roundabout, squeal of brakes, and metallic sonic boom of car on parked car ended sleep.
Suddenly we are living downtown Brooklyn on the set of ‘The Wire.’
I raised my weary body from the visitor’s bed and called out that I was ringing the police straight away, before bothering to look outside.
In the ever alert state of a young mother of three toddlers, the calm Police Officer assesed my garble and promised a drive by.
A bleary husband reported ‘nothing to be seen, must be up at the roundabout’ and was about to return to bed, when I took over his venetian blind spot and pondered out loud the significance of a maroon Commodore parked across the road in front of Ed’s, whose car was now nicely positioned in the shadow of the tree on the nature strip.
I struggled into my new dressing gown, removed it, removed the price tags, took the the belt tie from the hanging loop and threaded it through the belt loops, pulled it back on, then proceeded outside.
Several neighbours had done the same, our confused sleepy voices carrying nicely on the night air, bringing us together in a way we are unable to achieve in the business of daylight.
“Ed doesn’t usually park there. Does he?”
“He must be away again, surely that noise would have woken him!”
“Good grief! That fence is on an angle.”
“The air bags have gone off.”
“Did you see them run off that way? Was there only two?”
The Police arrived, heard the ‘ran that way’ comment and executed a satisfying u-turn to give chase.
Thinking the show was over, we all returned to bed.
A drink of water and toilet stop later, bright movie lights heralded the arrival of the Police and time for part 2.
A divvy van! There’s a divvy van parked in front of our house and across the road there’s another police van!
They’ve got ‘em! Wow.
Then snatches of ‘The Marooned Commodore’ drift across to us. A young woman without shoes is led out of the divvy van and across the road where two officers are escorting a sturdy but unsteady male.
“Is this maroon Commodore the car you were travelling in earlier?”
Must have been confirmed by the female, as she is led back to her divvy van and asked the name of her male friend. Something in her alchohol brain advises her to fib, but not convincingly enough. “ I don’t know. Scott or Dan, something like that.”
“We’ll get your shoes for you, later.”
From across the road we hear “Right Daniel. Is this your vehicle? Were you the passenger or driver?”
Daniel’s alchohol and or drugged brain insists on deny, deny, deny. “I haven’t driven that car since ...”
pause for brain strength... “last year!”
Followed by “Get your hands off me. Oh all right search my pockets then.”
“Would these car keys fit that car?” No one bothers to try them. “Daniel! Right now it’s just a traffic accident, no one was hurt.
No need for judges and court. Don’t lie to us Daniel. We found your wallet under the front seat.”
Daniel is allowed thinking time and rests his frame against Ed’s fence while a calming cigarette does more brain destruction work.
The bright lights are turned off and the conversation quietens after another neighbour, also choosing to wear a very new dressing gown, speaks briefly to Police.
Vehicles depart. The show is going down town. The Marooned Commodore sits alone in the spotlight.
The audience settles to sleep.

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"The movie brief." copyright Juniris Harrop  2010

I have hardly bothered to work out the multiple functions of the new remote control, knowing it will soon run out of battery life and so be renewed by another new system. The batteries of course proving impossible to purchase, as has been the case in many ‘on special’ purchases in the past.
Dear paint splattered husband inspired my afternoon’s viewing out of the heat of the day, by clicking several butttons to reveal a list of movie briefs overlaid onto our telly screen.
The one on chanel 72 revealed an exciting Sunday arvo movie, one neither of us could recall seeing at the drive-in or repeated yearly over summer off ratings periods:
“Comedy about an elderly dowager, unaware that she is now penniless and her faithful butler tries to help her. Two rival gangs fight for control of a Mexican border town and the money to be made there in selling contraband whiskey and guns for the Mexicans and Indians”
Starring Dick Van Dyke I spent an hour watching Fitzwilly occasionally pretending to be drunk and creating goosing induced almost Marx brothers mayhem at Christmas time in a large department store.
The fellow who looks like a trimmer Robert Morley but actually answering to the name of John McIver, was resplendant in an orange and black striped vest and a perfect butler.
The appearance of ‘99’ from Get Smart made me realise the movie was made in 1967 with a decided slant towards nice tweed clothes, neat haircuts and correct values. The value of the afternoon being : ‘naughtiness may be fun to dally in, but it definitely doesn’t pay.’
The ‘kookie talk’ of the 1950s reminded me of the desperate nature of many adults in the 1960s as they tried to be groovy by using the ‘square’ or ‘hip’ talk of the decade before.
I laughed at the well groomed actor Sam Waterson wondering if he foresaw his current grizzled status in the Criminal Justice System.
In the crowd sceens, was one extra who may have had asian parents, one woman whose parents might have been related to an african american and a solitary police officer whose hispanic parentage was in question.
Although there was a little champagne sipped fom saucer shaped glasses, right till the closing shots I awaited the arrival of gun toting, whiskey swilling Mexicans and Indians.
Sort of put me off watching The first of May. “A young orphan boy mistakenly thinks his foster parents are going to abandon him when his foster mother becomes pregnant. In order to solve a killing, a public defender brings an insane witness into court.”

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