Breastfeeding

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Breast Nourishment.
Lactation is the proud, mysterious skill of a woman's body.
However, many humans nowadays, despite being able to master a computer / drive a car / organise a company,
haven't a clue how breasts make mothers' milk.
Test yourself and others with the following quiz.
Dithering means it is time for you to email a request for a Breast feeding Information and Advice column
in your local newspaper or magazine, online or in print.

Little Mothersuckers Quiz:
Colostrum is
(A) A horse in the 4th
(B) Full of antibodies and nourishment
(C) Just something to keep the baby occupied until the real milk comes in
(D) Something farmers feed to foals and calves otherwise they die

Which looks a bit like the inside of a breast?
(A) A funnel
(B) A bunch of grapes
(C) A production line in a factory
(D) A lucky miniature man peddling a geelocopter

If the let down reflex didn't work, what would happen next?
(A) Father would do all the housework
(B) Mother would be uptight
(C) Baby would cry even louder
(D) Mother would blow up like a balloon and float off

Which makes the baby fat?
(A) Foremilk
(B) Hindmilk
(C) Sucking on its fists
(D) Takeaway food

How does the entero and broncho mammary tracts work?
(A) The baby kicks the mother in the stomach and she gets an ache
(B) Germs ingested by the mother, stimulate anti bodies which appear in her milk
(C) You put the CD in the machine and it's on tract 3
(D) The two species of dinosaur mate and create a mammal

When can females lactate?
(A) Any age as long as they've had a baby
(B) Any age from puberty as long as a hungry baby is involved
(C) Only after each baby is born
(D) Only after a few drinks, the right music and a disco ball is revolving

Which term do you prefer?
(A) Mothers' milk
(B) White blood
(C) Booby brew
(D) Gross ooze

Mothers from all human races have traditionally breastfed each child for 2-6 years.
Your belief is
(A) Babies should be weaned onto beer as soon as possible
(B) Babies should drink horse, cow or pig milk as soon as they can catch one
(C) Babies should leave mummy's boobies alone so someone else can have a turn
(D) Babies should breastfeed until the next baby fights them off

Juniris' Breastfeeding jokes :

Why do Australian mothers breastfeed?
Them bloody kangaroos are hard to catch and milk, hey.
Why do Australian mothers breastfeed?
Those bloody koalas are too darned lazy to give a hand.
Why do Australian mothers breastfeed?
Babies carry on too much about going down them wombat burrows.
Why do lactating mothers stand around at Playgroup having their cuppa?
Sitting down would create a stampede for laps.
What's a lap dance?
Twin toddlers simultaneously breastfeeding.
What does a lactating mother do when a kid at Playgroup pushes her toddler?
Waits til 'milk and fruit' time and gives that kid straight cordial.
What does a lactating mother do when a child at Playgroup pushes her toddler?
Just wiggles around in the beanbag until it's nice and comfy again.
A toddler tripped in the sandpit at Playgroup and covered his little vegemite sandwich in sand. He tottered back to his lactating mum in tears. 'Never mind bubby. Have some nummies. There's only little blue fingerpaintings on them.'
What did the lactating mother do when she realised she was feeding the wrong baby?
Made the other mother sign an IOU.
What did the newly delivered mum do when she realised she was feeding the wrong baby from the nursery?
Burped him til he brought it all back again.
What does a lactating mother say to a close friend who wants to wean her baby early to return to work?
No. I bloody well won't feed yours as well.
After 5 years of pregnancy and breastfeeding, why did the non- lactating mother spend all day sitting down with her feet up?
She wanted to remember what it was like to sit down without letting down.
Why did the lactating mother of twins want to return to work?
She wanted to get revenge on the nerd in advertising, for squirting her with a water pistol.
Why did the breastfeeding mother of triplets want to return to work?
She wanted to give the photocopier a real workout.
What is the most helpful bit of advice you can give a friend who is working, expressing and feeding.
If you're going to leave your expressed milk in the staff fridge at least write Llama milk on it.
What's worse than discovering a trail of dried breastmilk down the back of your jumper when you get home from shopping.
Remembering you were talking to an old flame about the time it was a work in progress.
What do teenage, lactating mothers do at school, as soon as the teacher leaves the room?
Flick their breast pads at the ceiling.
How do teenage lactating mothers teach bullies a lesson?
Flick full breastpads at them.
What do lactating teenage mothers mean by 'incoming'
A barrage of dry breastpads flung at the ceiling fan.
What do teenage lactating mothers do when they go down the oval?
Play frisbees with their breast pads.
Why do teenage mothers breastfeed?
It drives her parents crazy when she refuses to use breast pads and drips everywhere.
Why do teenage mothers breastfeed?
It drives her parents spack when she walks around the house with her buttons half done up.
Why do teenage mothers breastfeed?
So she doesn't have to clean her room.
Why did the lactating mother walk around with only her trackie pants on?
She'd left the baby in the washing basket
What does a lactating women repeat as she walks out the door to go shopping?
Got my list , got my key, got my card, got my breasts, oh shit the baby is still in the cot.
What happened when the lactating mum dropped her 3 kids off at school, kinder and child care?
The school teacher wondered about the sudden obsession with giant crayons.
The kinder teacher pondered how a kid could get wedged in a tunnel
and the childcare attendant just couldn't get even a giant sized nappy to stay on.
Why did the lactating mother wander around the house with only her knickers on?
She was so tired she couldn't remember if it went : knickers, trackies, bra on, undo bra flaps latch baby on, or put baby in trackie pants because nothing else is clean, do up bra and hang over cot as a distraction, put knickers on head and play peekaboo.
A greatgrandmother, grandmother and mother-in-law were all giving advice to the newly lactating mother.
The greatgrandmother said 'Don't forget to give him boiled water in the hot weather, dearie.'
The grandmother said 'Wean him quickly if you see your milk has turned a watery blueish white color.'
The mother-in-law said, 'Don't forget to scrub your nipples to toughen them up.'
The newly lactating mother said, 'Isn't his hair soft.'
How does a lactating women ease jealousy when a new baby arrives in the family?
Tell the children its the baby's turn with the nummies. Quietly promise hubby he can have any leftovers.
What do the oldies at the retirement home, look forward to a visit from a lactating mother ?
She's the only one who knows all the words to 'Twinkle, twinkle little star.'
Why was the new father unsuccessful at breastfeeding?
He only let down when the kitten meowed.
He had to keep shooing the pup away.
He thought you had to drink an adequate amount of stout to keep up a good supply.
What with work, footy training, going to pick videos, there just wasn't enough time in the day to sit down and feed.
He forgot to remove his nipple ring.
He kept bending forward to reach for the remote.
His man boobs just weren't big enough.
His father couldn't breastfeed so he didn't think he could.
There were 14 of us. Dad just didn't have time for breastfeeding, with the babies just tuning up every year and all.
He couldn't remember which side he'd fed from last.
The baby kept pinching and pulling his arm hair which distracted him too much.
Are you kidding? I had a leech on me once.
Are you kidding? Everyone knows those little mothersuckers bite.
What are the three easy steps to having a baby:
1. Get Intimate
2. Get Stuffed
3. Get Sucked
What did the three year old say to his maiden aunt who was teasing him about Still Being Breastfed?
"Det Sucked!"
 
Help lobby:
for a book called 'Breastfeeding for dopes, er Dads'
or perhaps a TV show called 'Lactation, lactation' which includes the following information :

Daddies are allowed to know all about working breasts.
Daddies have to know all about them otherwise the mummy might give up, run away and leave him holding the bawling bundle.
If daddies don't know all about how breasts work, then evil relatives will try to make the mummy cry, feel inadequate, hide under the blankets and pass the sodden screaming bundle over to the aunty or grandma who will kitchy goo for two seconds, say who's a poor little hungry baby and pass the mess over to you saying, daddy will fix things.
How does a mother eat purple grapes, orange oranges, green lettuce, red meat, and drink cups of black tea then create white milk? Mothers' magic.
Just as her body squished everything up and channelled it down the right tube into the placenta to nourish your baby while it was inside, so will her body change all that she eats and drinks into milk for your baby.
Some cultures call it 'white milk.' If that makes you think of your baby as a mini vampire then ok, little mothersucker it is. Henceforth your baby, boy or girl, twins or triplets will now be referred to as 'Angel.'
The creamy colored colostrum to the whitish blue mummy milk is all perfectly created in the mummahouse for Angel. It changes every feed and every day to be exactly what Angel requires. If Angel was born a little early compared to the usual slack arse layabouts, then mumma's milk will have extra growth factors and other scientifically named stuff in it to make sure Angel grows fit and healthy. If Angel or Mumma comes in contact with any bad nasty germs, then antibodies to that evil will come forth in mumma's milk.
When it comes time for Angel to give away the booby milk because Kindy calls, then a generous dose of anti bodies will be produced as a farewell pressie.
Lactating mummies can become a little forgetful. Could be from the regular doses of soothing mothering hormone prolactin or possibly lack of sleep. The next time you encounter your woman in this forgetful state will probably be ancient age, when every day is a new day.
Try to help the mummy and yourself remain reasonably respectable in public by agreeing to be each others trailspotters.
When taking baby out, try not to sit in the car honking the horn. Check the pram is in the boot. You strap baby in then enjoy a little chat, while mother goes to the toilet, has a drink of water, brushes her hair, finds her good shoes, does up her straps and grabs the nappy bag.
If your woman is a bit of a pushover, or maybe she definitely is as far as you are concerned you old love machine, then be protective, even caveman like, when it comes to others undermining her confidence.
Breasts are good fun to play with and oggle, even better in bed when they can make fountains, too.
Breasts are resilient. Even full early morning breasts. You wake full of expectation. You roll over to admire your busty Madonna. You can handle them ... just like the way you like your nuts squeezed!
Supporting and promoting breastfeeding are wonderful ideals.
However, you may want to think carefully about :
Having a t-shirt made up that says 'Hunting father. Feeding mother.'
Asking mothers on the bus trying to pacify their cranky toddlers with dummies:
Have you considered using your breasts for that?

If you would like further information on breastfeeding,
please contact your local Childcare centre,
Maternal and Infant Welfare centre,
Town Council, Government Health Department,
Member of Parliament,
King, Queen or President of your country
or the World Health Organisation.
One of them will know something...
after all it is the second most important thing in the World
after giving birth, that is.

Juniris Harrop
thejuniris@hotmail.com
Ballarat is the best place to live!